Mandy

This programme contains some strong language

POUNDING ELECTRO MUSIC

Excuse me?

Are you thinking of buying that sofa? Um...

How much is it?

That's £1,350.

I'll think about it.

DRIER BLOWS

Oh, shit the bed!

Square or squoval?

Um, squoval, please, Shola. I need cheering up.

What color?

Sexual shenanigans, as usual.

I'm afraid we're out of that particular shade, baby. Hmm.

I'll go for minty pig then, please.

MANDY SIGHS

What's the matter, honey?

You don't look like your normally bubbly self.

There's a sofa I want.

I can't stop thinking about it.

Honestly, it's making me ill.

Yeah.

This is it.

SHOLA CHEWS

CHEWING STOPS ABRUPTLY

That is the most beautiful sofa I have ever seen.

But it looks expensive. It is.

Look at it, though.

Reminds me of the one Mike Baldwin used to have in his flat.

You deserve it. I can't afford it.

I'll tell you, Shola, this country...

The price of Mach 3 razors are enough to make you emigrate.

Come on. Where are we going?

Furniture World.

It's so soft.

Like a leather cloud.

If anyone comes out, you distract them. How?

Just fall over or something.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

SHOLA THUDS

Cushions come free with it. You get these three.

The red one? We can throw that in. Yeah. Have it.

So, I'll just... I'll just go draw up the paperwork.

I really like it.

It's nice, this, in't it?

Yes. This used to be mine.

Sorry?

Bought it last week, but I had to return it cos of the bedbugs.

Had to burn most of my furniture.

It was the only way to get rid of the buggers.

They gave me a refund on this, though, which is lucky.

Oh, don't worry.

I'm sure most of them dropped off in the delivery van.

OK. So, the good news is, we can deliver on...

OMINOUS MUSIC

PITCH HEIGHTENS

It's like she's back from the dead.

Thanks, love.

She really did live her life like a candle in the winds.

I know.

SNIFFLES

PHONE BUZZES

Hello?

Patrick?

Oh, from LookieLikes!

What do you mean, you don't get much call for Princess Di anymore?

I'm ready to go here.

Well, what am I supposed to do now? I need the money.

Oh, that's not a bad idea.

We need you to finish the medical trial, otherwise you won't be paid.

Also, do make sure you sign the consent form,

as we cannot be held responsible for any unforeseen adverse side effects,

such as disorientation, nausea

or massive swelling on the face and head.

Look, I know there's risks,

but if it means I can save just one little baby's life,

then it'll all have been worth it.

This is actually for halitosis.

Oh.

Still get paid, though, right?

Yeah.

MACHINE BLEEPS

PHONE BUZZES

Talk to me, Patrick.

No way!

Thought you said there was no call for Lady Di.

Oh, right.

Well, sorry, Patrick, I can't.

I've already started this medical trial thing.

No, I have to stay here.

I can't. I'm full of tubes. This is worth £500.

All right, make it 800, you've got yourself a deal.

Right, 750, you're on.

Heart And Soul by T'Pau

Jesus Christ!

What the f...? It's all right. I'm not Lady Di.

I just look like her.

CHATTER DIES

Is this a joke? What do you mean?

I'm from LookieLikes. They told me you wanted a Lady Di.

You look nothing like her. You're a mess.

You cheeky cow! Who are you meant to be? Carol Decker from T'Pau.

You look nothing like Carol Decker from T'Pau.

I AM Carol Decker from T'Pau. Oh, fuck off.

I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Don't worry, I'm going.

Do you mind if I use your lav before I go?

CAROL SIGHS Upstairs. Thanks.

CHATTER RESUMES

Oh, my God!

Still a bit puffed up. Aw, poor darling. Mm.

I always wanted to meet Carol Decker from T'Pau.

Never meet your heroes, Shola.

She had a nice toilet, though. I'll give her that.

Heated seat and everything.

Must be from the China In Your Hand royalties. Mm.

What happened to your neck? Whiplash.

Someone slammed into the back of my car.

Will you be all right? Oh, yeah. I'm just waiting for the compensation.

The what?

Compensation.