Hacks

Kaia.

I'm gonna stand.

- I will not stand, or you're gonna have

to move this show to the dark web.

- OK, players. Show your cards.

Boom!

Oh! Full house!

- Oh, my-- - Kaia wins again.

- This is not how I wanted this to go

or how any of you will have wanted this to go.

- OK, Seth has to take another item of clothing off.

But before you're out of this game completely,

is there anything you want to promote?

- Well, as you can see, I'm promoting

that my boxer shorts are from Kirkland

and that my circumcision is from Rabbi Bregman, so...

and he didn't do a great job, if I'm being honest.

- Stop stalling. Take your shirt off.

Mm, I vote boxers off.

- Ooh! - "This is the End," Seth.

Time to show us that "American Pickle,"

your "Sausage Party."

- Every movie I've done is a dick joke.

I'm about to be the first white male comedian

to expose himself to a bunch of women, but someone

had to break that barrier. - Oh, yeah.

- Whoo! - Ready?

I'm not getting canceled today.

Never. You're never gonna get me.

Do this all night.

- So I hear congratulations are in order.

Something very exciting happened to you.

- Yes, I saw Jeremy Piven texting and driving.

- No, I'm talking about something else.

You became a grandmother!

Oh, that's right.

That happened, too.

Would you like to see a picture?

Yes.

- I kind of see a resemblance, don't you think?

Oh, I'm just kidding.

Here he is.

audience: Aw!

- That little peanut is my grandson, AJ, Aidan, Jr.

- So what do you want your grandson to call you?

- Well, I've actually given this a lot of thought,

and I finally arrived on... Aunt Deborah.

All right, well,

this one goes out to little AJ.

Welcome to Earth, little dude,

from your Aunt Deborah and Aunt Dance Mom.

Oh.

Yeah.

- I got a Mr. Heauxmeaux on line one.

- Ms. Cece. Put her through.

Hi, Cece. How are you?

- Hi, Jimmy. Strictly a work call.

We don't have to acknowledge we matched on Hinge.

OK, will not.

- Just wanted to share some big news.

Old Navy wants Dance Mom to be a brand ambassador.

- Are you serious? That's huge.

- She's been such a hit on the show that they're also

committing to a major ad buy-in for the show

through the end of the year. - Ah, that's amazing.

Deborah's gonna be thrilled, although I know

she doesn't like the color navy

and she hates the word "old," but still.

- You'll need to hammer out the details for her fee.

But knowing their past deals, I think it'll be

a big payday for you guys.

Shit, Jimmy.

Sorry, I have to go put out a fire over at "Chicago Fire."

- Well, if you ever want to get dinner--

- What sucks is, I think I got sick

from the thermometer itself.

Was it a butt one?

Oh, my God!

Oh, the ratings! We're in third.

We're not last. - We're not last?

We're not last.

- Fuck, yeah! - Oh!

- I mean, this can only help with talent bookings, right?

Definitely.

I'm gonna circle back with Ariana's people.

- Oh, great. Great.

- In more good news, the studio wants

Ethan Sommers to come on to promote "Shadow Soldier."

- Seriously? Isn't he a serial pervert?

Alleged serial pervert.

Oh. OK.

Well, um, is there anyone else?

- You know, we should have a stand-up on the show.

You could really change someone's life.

- At this point, our priority really should be inviting

guests with built-in audiences 'cause that helps build us up.

- Let's just concentrate on our musical guests for now.

Perfect.

I saw that Gucci Mane is in town,

if anyone wants to come with me or has an in.

- I don't know, I just think it's fat shaming.

- And I think that's fat-joke shaming.

- Let's just do the alt. - OK.

- Oh, what are you wearing to the Christening?

- Oh, probably a bulletproof vest and a hard hat.

The church has been after me ever since I told that joke

on "Comic Relief VI." - Oh, yeah.

- My whole set was about how being an altar boy

seems like a great way to meet older men.

- Yeah, they're not gonna like that.

- Yeah, well, I can't believe DJ's

raising my grandson Catholic.

They stalk me. They dox me.

Mark Wahlberg still sends me a rosary

every year--as a threat!

God.

There you two are!

Oh, Stacey.

- Stacey, thank God you're here.

We've been looking for you everywhere.

We were stuck. - We were lost.

- Neither of you two thought to move the chair

that's wedged in the door?

- Whoa, that is weird. - Yeah, we didn't see that.

That'll do it. - This is a real fire hazard.

I'm gonna have to report this to Buildings and Safety.

- That's terrible. - So much paperwork.

Fiddle!

- How did she find us?

And background and action.

What is it, Lassie?

Mama's arm got caught in the loom?

Oh, no!

And cut!

- She was good. That girl's good.

It's dark, this thing, though. - Hey, here you go.

Oh, what's this?

- Um, that is a coconut and La Roche-Posay.

OK. Uh, thank you.

- Yeah, Ms. Schaefer says skin cancer runs in her family

and it's my job to keep her alive.

So, since you're covering for her,

I thought you might like them.

Is that young enough for you? - What are you talking about?

- Ms. Schaefer gets upset when the coconut isn't young enough,

so we just try to keep her happy.

Because if she's not happy,

does she go into any sort of mode?

- Half-gorilla mode, yeah. - Yeah, got it.

I'm good. Thank you so much. - OK.

Hey!

Why aren't we filming? We're losing daylight.

Kayla, where have you been?

I've been covering for you all morning.

- Some people are doctors. Have fun!

Also, I was gonna say thank you,

but you're too busy complaining,

sucking down my coconut, using all my La Roche-Posay.

- Yeah, speaking of which, you can't be demanding

stuff like this just because you're a producer.

All these PAs are afraid of you.

I asked one if they'd seen you.

He looked like he was gonna pee his pants.

- Who cares? Show him where the bathroom is.

Call it a day. - OK.

Well, that doesn't answer my question.

Where have you been?

- I was basically babysitting Dance Mom.

She went out partying again?

This woman is celebrating way too hard.

- I mean, she almost had to get her stomach pumped.

But that mama really knows how to boot and rally.

Oh, my God.

- I took her phone, deleted her posts,

got some Taco Bell in her system,

cheesy bean burrito.

Now she's back home sleeping like she's dead.

But she's not dead, right?

- I mean, she was snoring like a foghorn out of both ends.

Had to get out of there. - Oh, my God.

Dance Mom cannot be acting like this.

She's a brand ambassador now, and we're responsible for her.

This is--Ow!

Oh, my God! Oh! Oh!

- Bad Lassie! - Lassie just bit me!

Medic! Medic!

Fuck, I cannot believe this is happening again.