Hacks

OK, so we'll do it a couple times scripted,

and then you guys can run through those alts

and we'll also give you a take to just kind of improvise

and have fun.

OK, thank you so much.

Thanks, Charlie. Thanks, Money.

Hey.

Do you like this plunger for tomorrow?

Oh, I think maybe a wooden handle.

- Let me see what I can do. - Thank you so much.

Christine, 1:15.

Do you want her in the ash blonde wig

or the sunset blonde?

Ash is her around-the-house wig.

- Let's do sunset. - Copy you.

Thank you.

I love this jacket. I need the grip merch.

Yeah.

No running on set.

Thank you. It looks great in there.

- Slides? - Oh, thank you so much.

How's this?

Oh, my God, that was fast.

Perfect. Thank you.

Do you want to rehearse?

Let's just shoot the rehearsal.

OK.

Rosie, we're shooting rehearsal.

All right, copy that.

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to day one of "Who's Making Dinner?"

Do you want to call it?

Sure, yeah.

Sound speeds.

And

action.

OK, here we go.

- Close your eyes. Close them. - All right, all right.

All right, they're closed, they're closed, they're closed.

Straight.

- You got it? - Yeah.

OK, if you don't like the placement, it can move.

All right.

And the brightness can be adjusted.

OK, OK. Just show me, show me.

Here it is.

Oh.

I know we decided to call it the Kitten Heel Club,

but this just felt more right.

We can change it, though.

No, no.

It's perfect.

You did it.

You talented bastards.

I am honored to be your employee.

Though I do need June off.

I'm going to do the Mille Miglia.

It's an amateur classic car race in Italy.

Amazing.

- No. - No... no?

No problem.

I'll just drive fast here.

Happy grand opening. And congrats on the new gig.

Thanks, babe.

OK, technically, right now, my title is Pit Boss,

but I'm thinking of having it officially changed to Pit Mama.

- Oh. - Right?

'Cause that just feels so much more me.

- Mm. - I get that.

I gave myself a title bump from House Manager

to Lifestyle Concierge.

- Ooh. - Deborah didn't blink an eye.

Pretty big pay bump, too.

Yeah, she took it out of my salary.

So without further ado,

please welcome the diva herself,

Deborah Vance.

That's my mom!

That's my mom.

- Whoo! - Thank you.

Thank you for being here.

First of all, I want to say

none of us would be standing here right now

if it wasn't for the genius, Marcus Vaughn.

This entire thing is his brainchild

and never would've happened without him.

And quite frankly, a lot of things in my life

would not have happened without him.

Thank you, Marcus.

That's my baby!

Uh, that's my baby.

Oh, whatever.

You know, a few months ago,

a young, international rock star,

who was obsessed with me

gave me credit for bringing residencies to Las Vegas.

He said the city needed me.

The truth is I needed Las Vegas.

I was told I was too loud.

Too tacky, too much.

But this town embraced me when no other place would.

There's nowhere else in the world

that feels quite like Las Vegas.

And for me,

there's nowhere else in the world that feels like home.

And that is why we created the Diva.

This is a place to be who you really are

without shame because this city does that better

than any other place on the planet.

So welcome to the Diva. Let's have a great night.

Hello, hello.

Now we're going to officially christen this place.

No, no. No one asked you to do that.

They don't have to. I'm the goddamn mayor.

There we go!

Oh, God dang it.

Yeah, I'm bleeding out here. Goddamn it.

I've hit an artery again.

Oh, that's too much blood.

- Oh, my God. - Oh, God.

It's pulsing and squirting.

Get away from me!

Get away from me.

Thank you, everybody.

Sucks that we don't get to go on the retreat.

I know.

But honestly, I've been before

and it's, like, not that big a thing.

You know, it's a lot of free food and fancy drinks

and sometimes, they bring in exotic dancers.

But you're allowed to go back to your room

if you don't feel comfortable.

Fuck.

Hmm. This one's for me.

Holy shit. Anthrax. Anthrax in the building.

Somebody call Homeland Security.

Are you serious, guys? What is wrong with you?

Mm, yum. Pixie stick dust?

It's almost as sweet as your mom's...

Don't talk about my mom.

Oh, whoa, hey. So stressed.

You know what you need? A little R&R at the retreat.

No, Dan, it's... Jimmy can't come.

The retreat's no little bitches allowed.

Oh, I'm sorry, Jimmy.

Don't worry about it

because I am very happy not to go.

I can finally enjoy a sandwich and put it in the fridge

without having someone text me a picture of my sandwich

with their balls on it.

So fuck off.

Just fuck off.

Ooh, Carbone! Martini lunch.

So excited.

Well, you can order whatever you like.

OK, Dover sole it is.

OK, so I have amazing news. I heard from the network.

They have, like, no notes on the pilot.

- They loved it. - Fantastic.

Except they... they do want the women to smile more,

but we can do that.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

So when did they decide on a pickup?

Uh, they have, like three months.

Oh, great.

'Cause I want us to take that trip to Europe

sooner rather than later.

Um...

I mean, if you want to have any authority as a boss,

you have to have eaten real bread.

Perfect. I'm wide open.

You OK?

Mm-hmm, yeah.

There is something I want to talk to you about.

OK.

The mass that I had removed,

uh, it looks like they didn't get it all.

And unfortunately, it's spread.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, I probably shouldn't have doubled up all those years

on the Deborah Vance progesterone drink packets.

That Tahitian grapefruit flavor was divine.

OK, so what's the treatment plan?

Well, they want to start treatment immediately.

OK, great. Well, I'll call Ronnie.

Let's head over there right now.

I'm not hungry anymore anyway, so forget lunch.

You're not gonna like this next part.

Um, didn't love the last part.

Honey, I'm not doing chemo.

I'm not putting myself through that.

I get that, but don't... Don't worry, you know?

Uh, you won't be alone.

I'll go with you to the appointments

and I'll help you with medicine.

You know, I'll... I'll do whatever you need.

I'm not putting you through that.

OK, so what are you saying?

You know I like to do things on my own terms.