Ghosts

Well, this is good. I'm not seeing anything

in the local news about all the bodies we found in the bunker.

That's one advantage

to being on a first-name basis with the county coroner.

Yeah, sounds like you guys successfully

"buried the bodies." (laughs)

Please repeat that for Jay and give me credit.

Oh, this is a relief.

We can't have news like that leaking on today of all days.

Woodstone is being considered for inclusion

on a prestigious list of top small hotels and B and Bs.

The guy from the list is coming to check us out today.

It's very important this goes well,

so, please, no ghost shenanigans, I-I mean it.

Oh, hello. (chuckles)

You must be a cult ghost?

They keep coming over from the bunker.

We're sort of a cult ghost tourist attraction now.

This feels very shenanigan adjacent.

Nice to meet you. I'm Eugene.

A fellow survivor.

Have you also found it difficult

to acclimate to the outside world?

Isaac, you were in the cult

for, like, four hours.

All of them harrowing.

Wait a second.

Are you Eugene Woodstone?

I'm Hetty Woodstone, your ancestor,

-and I built this house. -You know him?

He lived here for several months in the late 1960s.

My parents shipped me up here so I wouldn't embarrass them

at their precious garden parties.

I was sort of the black sheep of the family.

I'll say. Rumor has it this poor fellow was cursed

with the infamous Woodstone tail.

It's just a small bump

at the base of my spine.

-It's... Fascinating.

Does it wag when you're happy?

I don't really want to talk about it.

I'm Samantha, also a Woodstone.

I am unafflicted.

Not that it's important.

What is going on?

The cult ghost is also a distant relative.

Oh, is he the reason that the cult was in our bunker?

Yeah. I thought they liked me for my personality,

but in retrospect,

they just liked me 'cause I had access to a bunker.

Nailed it, Jay.

Oh, that sounds like quite the tale.

I-I think he means T-A-L-E.

: He can't hear us.

We don't have to dwell on it.

Okay, I descummed the shower,

I touched up the paint in the Maple Suite

and I folded the toilet paper

into those fancy little triangles.

So, now, I just need to take a load off.

Oh, ho, that's nice.

I think we need to lose the recliner.

-What do you mean? -Well, it's not in line

with the rest of the decor, is it?

Agreed. It stick out like chair of Frasier's father

on TV program Frasier.

I'm not familiar with that program.

We didn't have a working TV in the bunker

so I would do a lot of magic for the cult.

Oh, that's right, you were an aspiring magician,

I recall your parents whispering shamefully.

I didn't have my cups or rings

so I did a lot of thumb magic.

By Odin, your thumb.

He's a warlock!

Uh, Jay.

Hetty was pointing out that the recliner

doesn't go with the rest of the room,

and honestly, I kind of agree with her.

I mean, with the list guy coming, why risk it?

You got this for me as a gift.

You remember when I almost got dragged to hell

and you got this for me so I would feel better?

Right. So how about we just move it into another room?

Somewhere less public.

Can move into Thorfinn's room.

Oh, that's nice.

Thor's offering to take it.

Will be fun new place for Thor and Flower to fornicate.

And that's all he said.

Fine. If it'll help us with the list.

Speaking of which, I've been emailing

with some other B and Bs and they're telling me

this guy expects us to grease his palm.

Like a bribe?

Like a very nice welcome gift.

So I did some Insta-stalking,

and turns out he's really into antiques.

Well, that's great.

We have a ton of old crap around here.

-(clears throat) -I mean exquisite heirlooms.

Hey, Thor, I think there's something behind your ear.

Oh, it's my thumb.

You are a most impressive sorcerer.

Yet he could never conjure a job or a wife.

Abracadabra.

I think not.

So what do you think?

Isn't that Jay's recliner?

Yeah, Sam give to Jay to demonstrate her eternal love,

but then get rid of over some minor decorating concern.

So now we are lucky recipients.

Oh, wow.

Thanks, Thor, uh, it's just, um,

I can't have this in my room.

It's made of leather.

So?

So they killed a cow to make that.

That cow could have had a family.

A mom, a-a dad, maybe a secret lover.

Yes, but chair very comfy so we keeping.

Thor, you're not listening to me.

I'm telling you I don't want the chair.

And Thor telling you we keeping it.

Thor not care that chair was once unfaithful cow.

Fine, Thor.

Keep the stupid chair.

Thank you.

Now, on the other subject,

can you check Thor's ear for strange thumbs?

Thor think Thor might have problem.

The list guy is pulling up.

Did you settle on something to give him?

No, Hetty was being impossible.

She was claiming some sentimental attachment

-to every item in the house. -Okay, well,

-is she in here right now? -No.

Alberta made up a lie to get her to the restaurant.

Great, well, then just pick anything.

-How about that paperweight? -Oh, no.

Apparently that was Hetty's "correcting" paperweight

that she would sometimes throw at the butlers.

Yeah, I can see how that could be

a very special keepsake for her.

What about that box? It's pretty.

Yeah, this is nice.

Fine, let's just do it.

But what if it's important to Hetty?

Better to beg forgiveness than ask permission.

That's what Ben Franklin said

-before polishing off -(door closes)

the entire Christmas goose.

Ah, hello.

I'm Paul from Boutique Hotels of the World.

Hi, Paul. I'm Samantha. This is my husband Jay.

Welcome to Woodstone.

The judging begins with your handshake.

Adequate.

He persnickety and overly formal.

I like him.

Very interesting older property you have here.

That's a nice way of calling it a dump.

Give him the gift, Sammy. Grease that palm.

Uh, we have a welcome gift for you.

-It's this... box. -Oh.

This is exquisite.

What a rare find.

An early 19th century parlor box

with steeple-tip hinges.

Well, that was a waste of time.

Alberta thought she saw Colin Farrell at Mahesh.

In my defense, as a celebrity I have celebrity blindness.

Well, you must be exhausted after your travels.

Yeah, let me show you to your room.

Is that the list fellow?

Why is he holding my parlor box?

You didn't give him that as a welcome gift, did you?

Yes, I did, and just deal with it.

You really should've asked me first.

Why? You would've just said no.

Yes, I would have.

Because it has a false bottom full of cocaine.

-What?! That's right.

Peru's finest.

So unless the purity of your narcotics

is one of the list categories on which you're being judged,

I suggest you get that box back.

Why was there cocaine in the box?

Because it was my box and I love cocaine.

Can't argue with that explanation.

Plus, that was in here this whole time?

I was searching for it frantically

when I possessed your husband.

I was going to return him to you with a hole in his septum

the size of Rhode Island.

Hey, babe.

This is going so well.

He thinks the room is super cute.

He loved the folded toilet paper.

Jay, the box we gave him has a false bottom