Fresh Meat

- Where do we go? - Er... "Where are we going?"

OK, where are we going?

Yeah, that's it.

Tell me, where are we going?

Oh, my God. OK.

We're going to the... wuh-wuh-fuh-fuh-wuh.

What? The what?

I said, the wuh-wuh-fuh-fuh-wuh.

What's the matter? No comprende? No, I...

Oh, so I can't tell you, then, can I?

Wuh-wuh-fuh-fuh-wuh?

It's done. Dumped him.

Just now.

Yeah, I think he took it pretty well.

This room is just great.

You've got your lamp there and the shelves with the books on it.

That poster of Professor Robert Winston, who I love, by the way.

Then, where I'd have pictures of hotties,

you've got stuff that you're actually interested in.

And that is just hilarious.

What is?

The monkey in the picture. The monkey.

Craig?

That's my brother... Craig.

He has a genetic condition

that affects bone structure and hair growth.

It's incredibly rare. Oh, God.

I'm so sorry.

It must be so hard for your family.

He doesn't live at home. He's a colonel in the army.

Wow! What regiment is he in?!

The Royal Banana Regiment! I mean, what the hell, JP?!

Of course that's not my brother, you dickhead!

You're... That's funny!

You're funny.

You try to be funny and you are! You're funny.

OK, I've got to go. No. Don't go.

I have to organise this quiz for the union. It's for charity, so...

Oh, fucking charity. Where will it end?

First I have to put up with Sport Relief, now this.

But maybe see you tomorrow for my birthday thing.

Yeah, defo. Can't wait.

Bit keen.

Stop right there.

Have you been sat in the hallway all night?

When you have a collapsible chair,

you can sit wherever the hell you like, my friend.

And where, may I ask, were you?

I was... in the geology library. The geology library? Yes.

All night? All night. Pulled an all-nighter.

In that case, then, you'll be able to answer me this.

Where is the geology library?

Damn you! You cunning bastard!

You were with her, weren't you? Look, Howard, I gave you your window.

You slept with her? Yeah, twice.

You put your dick through my window?

I'd still be in bed with her now if she wasn't out doing stuff.

A brainy quiz for a lovely charity.

It's classic Sam.

I know how clever and nice Sam is.

I mean, before I met her, I thought that I was clever and funny and nice,

which obviously I am, but how clever and funny and nice?

That's the question.

Would sir care for some cheese with his sour grapes?

See? Funny AND clever.

Although admittedly not that nice.

That's not dumping him. Course it is.

I took him to a crowded place and I dumped him.

That's fly-tipping.

You fly-tipped a Mexican in a busy department store in Rochdale.

Oh, what else can I do?!

I can't talk to him. Non hablo Pablo, remember?

So, learn some. Muddle through. You just need to talk and be honest.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, let's all be honest all the time.

Let's all say everything we mean. Brilliant!

Sorry, are... are you being sarcastic? Because everything you just said...

Hey, guys. Oh, hi, Candice.

Um... no big deal, and I'm not trying to tell you what to do,

but don't call a group of women "guys". I find it quite jarring.

OK, sorry. I just had an amazing lecture.

OK. I don't mind, obvs, but, um... maybe you want

to dial down the enthusiasm when you're with your peers?

Whatever! Chaucer with Professor Shales.

He's very cool. No. No, he is not cool, OK?

Yeah, he is. He read a bit out and almost started to cry.

He was drinking a Starbucks and he kept talking about his hangover.

He's about as cool as Fearne Cotton

wearing a baseball cap on sideways saying "Peace out".

He's not cool. Do not think he's cool.

He's thinking about having a little salon

for me and some of his other top students at his place.

In his camper van?

You can't have a salon in a camper van.

It's true he lives in a camper van? I thought it was an urban myth.

Load of girls, are they, all his top students? Plenty of skirt?

I don't know, but he gave me an A.

I think we're on the same wavelength.

Gave me loads of advice.

Please show me your essays, Candice.

Why? I know what to look for. The comments.

This is how it starts. Let me have a look.

Oh.

Here we go.

Are flowers for Josie weird?

Vod thinks they're weird. But then Vod calls me Lord Snooty

for using a bottle opener instead of my teeth.

Is this cos you were humping Heather whilst humping Josie?

Feeling guilty, Giggsy? No.

What have I got to be guilty about?

Heather seems to be in Hong Kong indefinitely, so no guilt.

I've got nothing to hide, so long as no-one knows.

Ooh, actually, Knutsford, could you help me a sec?

OK, so, basically, I'm drafting this text message to Sam,

and I want it to say something along the lines of,

"I have received your instructions

"for tomorrow evening, and I agree to them."

But that sounds a bit dry.

So, do I go something high concept like, "I'm on it something chronic"?

Or something way simpler like, "Sweet" or "Big-time"?

Or, my current favourite...

"Yes"?

Yeah, sounds great.

Send and bend.

What the fuckle-doodle-do is that?

Nothing.

Oh, hiya! Oh, my God.

You've really gone and done it now, haven't you?

JP, chill out. It's just a Kingsley flap.

Vod! Come and look at what they've done now!

What do you mean, done now? Eurgh!

It's so that the zoo animals can diddle with each other 24/7.

Call the verminator. We have been infested with a house couple. Oh...

You live with your husband. Not any more, mate.

Yeah, well, you're gonna be getting a break from us.

We're going to Buxton for an amazing weekend.

We are? Yeah, camping.

Oh!

No... er, yeah. I thought that was just an idea.

But, no, I love camping.

In an actual tent? Yes, an actual tent.

Hm.

Huh? When did you get back? Since half an hour.

There's a direct bus from Rochdale seven minutes after the hour.

Right, I didn't know that.

From outside wuh-wuh-fuh-fuh-wuh. Yeah. Where did you go?

I look around, you're gone. You extinguished your phone.

What is the fuck? To be honest, I was sort of hoping you'd get the hint.

Hint? What is hint?

Well, a hint is when you drop someone off in Rochdale

cos you need them to move out.

Oh, you know, JP is being an arsehole

about me subletting my room and stuff. JT? JT wants me to go?

No, I'm saying...

they all do.

And you? You think what?

I guess it's for the best.

Are you, er... going now? Cos that'd be ideal.

I'm going to play football.

What? Who with? Humphrey, Sergei, Italo.

Some of the boys from Pret. When are you going, then? Javier?

Oi! Don't spit in the bin, you weirdo!

Chinga a tu puta madre!

Yeah, yeah!

Well, Y Tu Mama Tambien... mate!

Hello? Morning.

Made you some tea. Why?

What's going on? Nothing. Just a delicious brew.

Look, JP, I overreacted.

I'm sorry. I can see that you and Sam belong together.

I am the... Rhys Ifans to your Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts.

So, it's fine. I'll gladly step aside. That's... very decent of you.

Ooh, you went for the Earl.

Feel free to have a second dip of the bag.

And if you... need me to help you with her, I'll help.

Like Rhys Ifans probably did in that film.

I personally couldn't take it past the hour mark.

OK, what's the stratagem here, Howard?

Wait for me to let down my guard

and then cut my face off and wear it as a mask

so that you can sneak into Sam's room and try and hump her?

I was a little sore. You're right.

But, JP, really, she's out of my league.

Yeah. I am a eunuch and I belong in my cave.

Oh, Howie!

You... lovely, cockless freak. Oi?

I wondered... if we should do the charity quiz together.

Couldn't hurt with Sam. How nice you are

is directly related to how much you do for charity.

Right, I've brought sambuca, eight WKD reds, some ouzo,

and 15 individually sealed plastic glasses of wine

called Froglet, on offer. What have you brought?

Er... a very ripe Stilton and some traditional lemonade.

Great! How about we just pour it all into the bag and see what we get?

Not the Stilton, obviously.

Are you making cocktails in a rubble sack?

I've done it before. It doesn't leak,

and it's easier to pack than a punch bowl.

Plus it's fun, you know. You take it in turns to hit the punch bag.

Ha-ha! Yeah.

OK, although it is only 11.20. Yeah.