IDIOTSITTER 2016

What are you doing?

We're supposed to be Zumba-ing, you zombie.

Have the whole house to ourselves this weekend.

Oh, yeah. I forgot.

You want to come now or keep playing stare at phone game?

My ex-boyfriend just invited me to dinner

and I said yes.

Oh, nice.

A little sex with the ex. Make it more complex.

- I like that. - No.

Maybe he makes you orgasm? Look like a tiny T-Rex?

No. No. I don't want to go. I panicked.

Like saying no would show weakness or something.

Now he's gonna pick me up

and see how I'm living, that I'm poor.

I wasted my education.

And you live in a mansion.

I work in a mansion as a nanny to an adult.

- Okay. - With no mental disabilities.

Okay, you don't need to

make us both feel like crap, Billie.

Meanwhile, he's on the back of his own book jackets.

Whoa. You dated Juliette Lewis?

- Oh, my gosh, what is she like? - No, that's him.

She's, like, my favorite singer.

He's in town on a book tour.

Thought he'd take the opportunity

to come by and remind me

how not sad he is that he dumped me

and what a failure I am,

and stop reading and enjoying the book, Gene.

I can see you out of the corner of my eye.

I just want to see if Sancho takes the bait.

Just let me see!

How could you be so advanced in this plotline!

It's engaging! I can't help it!

Okay! You can barely read.

How do you know so much about what's going on?

That's not true. I can read just fine.

Say that word.

"Tuh-rhee."

- Three. - Okay.

What's this?

A "W."

It's-- that's correct as well.

Ha ha!

Wow, time really did kill them all.

Yeah, he sucks.

"Yeah, he sucks"? You've been reading for four hours.

I know, and I hate to read.

Don't you think it's weird that he just wants to

have dinner all of a sudden?

Maybe, like, you were his best sex

and he misses your body.

- Doubtful. - Yeah.

- What? - Maybe he's dying.

- Oh, God. I would love that. - What?

Oh, my God.

Where's my phone? I want to cancel.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no. - I want to cancel.

Let's be proactive, like Adam Levine's face wash.

- Okay. - You know what?

Okay, so, this guy dumped you, right?

'Cause he thought he could do better.

Right.

And then he turned out to actually do better,

and you sort of didn't.

I know that.

But we're not gonna give him the satisfaction, are we?

No. You know what we're gonna do?

- Think of a plan! - No, no. No plans.

- I'm so good at them. - You're not.

I don't want to do any more of your weird, dumb schemes.

Okay, I got it.

When he shows up, you hide and I'll be all,

"Oh, Billie? She died 100 years ago."

Did you hear what I just said?

Wait for the scary punch line.

"100 years ago on this very day."

I'm glad I waited for that. No.

Ooh, or we could order you a hot, beefy male prostitute

and you'll be like, "Oh, this guy?

He's my hot, beefy male husband."

Stop brainstorming.

"Billie's my wife."

Why did I do this? This is so dumb.

I'm such an idiot.

You're not. You're not dumb.

Listen to me. You're the smartest person

I've ever met, Billie.

Okay? You're the full package.

- You're brains and a bod, okay? - Thank you.

I bet when guys are you,

they're just like, "Shut up."

What?

You know what I'm not gonna do?

I'm not gonna let this stupid talented writer

with an exceptional ability

to build suspense come in and make you feel small.

Both: No.

I got the plan.

You're gonna invite him over for dinner

and you're gonna pretend that house is yours

and that I work for you!

- No. - Yes!

Oh, my God. It's so good.

Maybe we could do it as a hypothetical.

Yeah?

No, I mean, this isn't an experiment we could just--

yeah, let's do it.

Okay.

- What? - Plan.

Oh. You got to be more clear.

Okay. I got you.

You got to trust me, though. It's not my first rodeo.

It is my first time doing makeup on someone, though.

I do have nice cheekbones. I'd love to pop those out.

Oh, they're popping.

Okay, this without a bra, though.

- No, no, no, no. - Don't wear a bra.

It's like you need no makeup.

I normally don't do a lot of makeup.

Oops. I just-- you know what?

It actually doesn't look that bad.

This one's nude.

It'll remind him what you'll look like nude.

I feel pretty.

I'm just gonna add a little bit of foundation.

- Okay. - That's what I do last.

Are you sure foundation goes last?

What about this dress?

And it comes with pants.

- - Oh, God.

- -

- No. -

- You know what? Don't laugh. - Okay.

Your brows are like the arrows to your eyes.

- No. No eyebrows. - What do you mean no eyebrows?

Okay, you know what?

Now that I'm looking at it, a different eye shadow.

- Good evening. - Evening.

- You must be Mr. Dobbs. - Indeed.

I'm Miss Brown's maid and personal assistant.

My name is Gene Raj.

My name is totally Raj. That's my name.

All right. Well, it's a pleasure.

No. But it is a pleasure.

That's what I said.

What's this?

There it is. Thank you.

How very Spanish of us. Please do walk in.

Yeah. That's not Spanish.

This is a beautiful house.

Thank you.

For Miss Brown. I'll tell her you said so.

All right.

Wow. That is an amazing piece.

Yeah, I like to think of it as, like, a bunch of fish

who just got an X-ray, and, like,

they're praying for positive results

from their fish doctor.

It's like, "What's gonna happen?"

- Is she here? - Yeah, of course.

And I will get her. He's here!

Wilhemina Brown.

McCallister Doobs.

- Dobbs. - Oh, right.

Pardon me.

It's been so long, and I've forgotten so much about you.

- Mm. - Sorry about the echo in here.

It's 'cause my house is so big.

You know what they say about people with big houses.

- Mm-mm. - Big clit.

Can I ask how you came into all this wealth?

You can.

Long answer is-- how much time do you have?

The... short answer is

I own a boat company

that I have. - Mm-hmm.

But why talk about business when you can embrace?

Okay. You all right?

You smell wonderful.

Thank you, Gene.

- It's Raj. My name. - Raj, of course.

- Shall we... - Jesus.

- Shall we eat? - Oh, no,

'cause dinner's not ready yet.

Why? I mean, I know.

You know what, how about a little tour?

That's what I was going to say if you'd let me finish.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was also gonna suggest just that.

Good idea.

- This is my own cinema paradiso. - Mm-hmm.

It spoiled me for the theaters, but--

Let's see what's on the reels here.

Oh, nope. Nope. Sorry about that.

That is my porn. It's totally Raj's porn.

Nothing gets me more horned up than drawn-on dinks.

My staff is very, uh, "allowed."