Never Give a Sucker an Even Break

- How are you, Chuck? - Hello, gorgeous.

Oh, say, your daughter's looking for you.

- Oh, thanks, I'll take the next bus. - Okay, gorgeous.

Oh, hello, Mother, who are you doubling today?

Lydia Flickham in an aerial act.

Be careful.

Say, I thought you were supposed to be rehearsing.

I haven't even started yet.

Well, you knock them over in that rehearsal and I'll let you support me.

Uncle Bill said if he sells the script,

you won't have to work anymore.

Oh, your Uncle Bill is too good.

We owe him too much already.

Look what I found this morning.

Close your eyes.

Wish.

Was that a buptkie!

You're about to fall heir to a kittens stocking.

What's a kittens stocking?

A sock on the puss.

Another buptkie.

Raspberries.

Raspberries!

Raspberries.

Raspberries!

Raspberries?

Hiya, tootie pie.

Everything under control?

Who are you talking to?

All five of them hit me at once.

Hi.

It's a lucky thing I recognized you.

I thought it was that guy coming back again.

I was about to clout your brains out.

How about a part in this new picture you're gonna do?

Oh, go away or I'll kill you.

You're all right, you'll all set.

Thank you, Mr. Fields.

How would you like to hide the egg

and gurgitate a few saucers of mocha java?

No, thanks, I've just had breakfast.

Oh, you have?

Well, call me up at sometime at the house.

- What time? - Oh, a couple o'clock.

Good morning, beautiful.

What do you hear from Garcia?

A ringer!

Got a menu?

Thank you, thank you.

Is there any goulash on this menu?

That's roast beef gravy.

Oh, it's roast beef gravy.

Is that steak New York cut?

What about... Oh, oh.

No extra charge for the cold shower, I hope.

Do you think it's too hot for pork chops?

Oh.

That practically eliminates everything but ham and eggs.

Forgot about that.

No ham?

- Two fermented eggs in a glass. - Cup.

Yes, cup.

- And some whole wheat... - White.

Some white bread, yes.

And a... Get away from there.

And a cup of mocha java with cream.

Milk.

Milk, yes, that's fine.

Two in the water, easy!

I don't know why I ever come in here.

Flies get the best of everything.

Go away, go away, go away, go away.

Oh, yes, Mr. Pangborn.

Yes, we just made it,

Yes, I'll have Gloria Jean ready whenever you say.

All right, thank you, Mr. Pangborn.

And another thing, you're always squawking about something.

If it isn't the steak, it's something else.

I didn't squawk about the steak, dear.

I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

You're as funny as a cry for help.

You also pulled that old gag about breaking your fork in the gravy.

I didn't say anything about breaking the fork in the gravy.

Did you use to be an old Follies girl?

You know, there's something awfully big about you.

Thank you, dear, thank you, dear.

Your nose.

Something awfully big about you, too.

- Hiya, Tiny. - Hiya, Joe.

Give me a cup of jamo.

Well, he means mocha java.

What's the amount of the insult?

- That'll be 35 cents. - 35 cents, thank you.

Have you any imported cigars?

Stingaroos, four for a nickel.

Oh, that's fine as long as they're imported.

You know, if anybody ever comes in here and gives you a ten dollar tip,

scrutinize it carefully because there's a lot of counterfeit money going around.

I'll give you the dough, don't, here, there.

If I get any counterfeit nickels or pennies,

I'll know where they came from.

You're so clever.

Who told you I was clever?

All your friends at the studio told me.

Oh, drat!

- I told them not to tell you. - And another thing.

Don't be so free with your hands.

Listen, honey, I was only trying to guess your weight.

You take things too seriously.

Baloney, mahoney, malarkey, you big kabloona!

Kabloona, I haven't been called that for two days.

I suffered from high blood pressure for years.

Then I lost my dough and I had to give it up.

Very comical.

Look at that hat.

Looks nice, that's fine.

Aren't you a little confused?

In which way?

Your hat.

Oh!

Thanks 1,000 times, yes.

Mistook it.

Thank you.

Excuse me, blimpy-pie.

I forgot to take the cellophane off.

Very fortunate it didn't burn my hat.

One, two, three, four, five.

With a hot cha cha and a boop boop be doop

and a scaddily, daddily, dinky dee

you can dig, dig, dug while you cut a rug

when you waddily, daddily, doodle with me.

With a hot cha cha and a boop boop be doop

and a scaddily, daddily, dinky dee

you can dig, dig, dug while you cut a rug

when you waddily, daddily, doodle with me.

With a hot cha cha and a boop boop be doop

and a scaddily, daddily, dinky dee

you can dig, dig, dug while you cut a rug

when you waddily, daddily, doodle with me.

Johnson!

Johnson!

Quiet!

All right, Gloria Jean, we'll rehearse the number.

You know, we have to get this set finished by morning.

Well, what am I supposed to do about it?

Let my men continue working.

Well, they only have to stop while we rehearse.

Now, I'll give you one whistle for quiet and two whistles to resume work.

Is that okay, Mr. Pangborn?

Well.

Quiet!

This!

This is not the song that you are to sing.

This is the song Uncle Bill told me to sing.

- Uncle who? - Mr. Fields.

Swish swash.

This is the number that you are to sing.

All right.

Quiet!

Quiet!

Johnson.

Why do I have to work on a stage as busy as this

with 48 stages in this studio?

I'm sorry, Mr. Pangborn, but they're all busy.

- Busy? - I don't like this song.

Neither do I, Gloria.

Come on, we might as well let him have it.

I hear a song so gay

I hear it all the day.

I hear it bring

a message of spring.

Birds and flowers

leafy bowers

greet the sun on high.

Night and day

breezes play

gently.

Stop!

Quiet!

No, no, no, Gloria Jean.

I want more life.

Gaily through

the swaying trees, darting sunbeams

light the forest while the zephyrs

kiss the murmuring leaves

sweetly fragrant

with the breath of spring.

High in the sky above

birds are winging

loudly singing.

No, no!

How many times do I have to tell you?

Is a welcome again to spring.

One, two, three, four.

To spring.

Love fills the air.

Love's everywhere.

Every lover is sighing

of love undying.

No, no, no, Gloria Jean.