Skipped Parts

* CHAINS

* MY BABY'S GOT ME LOCKED UP IN CHAINS *

* AND THEY AIN'T THE KIND

* THAT YOU CAN SEE

* WHOA-HO

* THESE CHAINS OF LOVE

* GOT A HOLD ON ME, YEAH

* CHAINS

* WELL, I CAN'T BREAK AWAY FROM THESE CHAINS *

* CAN'T RUN AROUND

* 'CAUSE I'M NOT FREE

* WHOA-HO

* THESE CHAINS OF LOVE

* WON'T LET ME BE, YEAH

* AAAAH

* NOW BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU *

* I THINK YOU'RE FINE

* I'D LIKE TO LOVE YOU

* BUT, DARLING, I'M IMPRISONED BY THESE *

All: * CHAINS

* MY BABY'S GOT ME LOCKED UP IN CHAINS *

* AND THEY AIN'T THE KIND

* THAT YOU CAN SEE

* WHOA-HO

* THESE CHAINS OF LOVE

* GOT A HOLD ON ME, YEAH

* CHAINS...

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY LIONS GATE FILMS

CALL ME SAM.

I AM A WRITER OF LITERATURE.

I STARTED WRITING THE DAY MY GRANDFATHER

SENT MY MOM AND ME INTO EXILE,

A DAY WHEN MOST HUMAN BEINGS

WOULD WALLOW IN SELF PITY.

I CHOSE THIS MOMENT TO HONOR MY CALLING.

SO THIS IS MY STORY,

AND UNLIKE OTHER WRITERS OF LITERATURE

I WON'T SKIP THE GOOD PARTS.

SAMUEL.

DADDY, DON'T PULL THE PLANTATION MASTER ACT WITH SAM.

HE'S INNOCENT.

NOTHING YOU TOUCH IS INNOCENT.

ONE MORE MISTAKE,

AND THE BOY GOES TO THE CUSTER MILITARY ACADEMY.

ARE THOSE IMPLICATIONS CLEAR?

OH, YES, YOUR DADDYSHIP.

SAM, COME. BRING THE CARDS.

Sam: CASPAR CLAIMED WE WERE BEING EXILED FOR OUR OWN GOOD.

WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP.

THE TRUTH IS, HE WAS PLANNING TO RUN FOR GOVERNOR,

AND THE THOUGHT OF LYDIA ON THE LOOSE

SCARED THE WADDING OUT OF HIM.

DO YOU KNOW WHY I'M SENDING YOU AND YOUR MOM TO WYOMING?

'CAUSE LYDIA MESSED UP AGAIN?

YOU KNOW, THERE COMES A TIME

WHEN YOU HAVE TO SET ASIDE ALL CHILDISH THINGS.

BUT--

DON'T BUT GRANDPA.

GO AHEAD. THROW 'EM IN.

Sam: I HAD A GOOD MIND TO GO TO WYOMING AND CROAK.

THEN HE'D REALLY BE SORRY.

GOOD BOY. GOOD BOY.

SAM CALLAHAN LAY CLOSE TO DEATH.

IN A CRUEL TWIST OF FATE, GIVING HIM COMFORT

WAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL NURSE HE HAD EVER SEEN.

I'M SORRY. HE'S NOT GOING TO MAKE IT.

SAM. I'M SORRY THAT I SHIPPED YOU AND YOUR MOM

OUT INTO THE WILDERNESS WHEN YOU NEEDED TO BE HOME MOST OF ALL.

COULD YOU FORGIVE ME BEFORE YOU DIE, SAM?

Lydia: HOLD ON, SUGAR.

I...CAN'T.

SO WHAT DID YOU DO TO HACK CASPAR OFF SO MUCH?

NOT A THING.

NOT ONE IOTA OF MISCONDUCT.

YOU TOLD ME ABOUT THE CUBAN

AND THE STRIP SHOW ON THE SAILBOAT.

NOW, IS THIS ONE SO BAD

THAT YOU CAN'T TELL ME ABOUT IT?

JUST THINK WHAT I'M LIABLE TO IMAGINE?

I'M AS INNOCENT AS SNOW.

Sam: WHEN HORACE GREELEY SAID, "GO WEST, YOUNG MAN,"

I DON'T THINK THIS IS WHAT HE HAD IN MIND.

LYDIA DROVE 2,000 MILES WITH THE TOP DOWN.

SHE HAD NO CONCEPT OF ALTITUDE OR TEMPERATURE

AND COULDN'T READ A MAP, SO I NAVIGATED.

WE'D MADE AN OATH THAT GRANDPA WOULD NEVER SEPARATE US.

SO AS WE DROVE FURTHER AND FURTHER FROM HOME,

IT FELT LIKE WE WERE ORPHANS TOGETHER,

AND THE FIRST SOUTHERNERS EVER LOST IN WYOMING.

First Boy: ...PLAY.

Second Boy: COME ON, JIMMY.

HEY, SISSY BOY.

THIS ONE'S FOR YOU, HONEY.

Third Boy: GET READY FOR THIS ONE.

WHOA!

Second Boy: HE'S NOT GOING TO GET IT.

GO GET IT. GO GET IT. RUN! COME ON.

First Girl: LOOK OUT!

HEY, WATCH IT!

SHARP MOVE, PINHEAD.

ATTENTION, STUDENTS AND FAULTY.

THE PEP RALLY FOR FRIDAY'S FOOTBALL GAME

WILL BE AFTER SECOND PERIOD.

AT 2 P.M. TODAY, WE WILL CONDUCT OUR A-BOMB DRILL.

REMEMBER, STUDENTS, DUCK AND COVER.

HI.

I'M HOWARD STEBBINS.

SAM CALLAHAN.

OK, GANG.

OPEN HUCKLEBERRY FINN TO PAGE 47

AND GO ON TO TWAIN'S BRILLIANT USE OF NEGRO DIALECT.

BRILLIANT, MY EYE.

NO ONE TALKS LIKE THAT.

WELL, WHY DO YOU SUPPOSE TWAIN WROTE IN DIALECT

IF NO ONE TALKS LIKE THAT?

HE WANTED HUCK TO SEEM STUPID

AND JIM EVEN STUPIDER.

I'VE HEARD SOUTHERN ACCENTS ON TV,

AND NO ONE TALKS LIKE THAT.

WELL, HUCK IS FROM MISSOURI, WHICH ISN'T THE SOUTH.

HEH, WHOOP-DI-DO.

WE KNOW THAT MARK TWAIN WAS ONE OF THE GREAT PROPONENTS

OF EQUAL RIGHTS FOR ALL.

NOW, WE APPRECIATE THAT HERE IN THE EQUALITY STATE.

WELL, YEAH, BUT TWAIN HATED JEWS.

ARE YOU JEWISH?

NO.

WELL, HOW DO YOU KNOW HE HATED JEWS?

WELL, I CAN READ.

HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT WHEN YOU HATE NEGROES?

I DON'T HATE NEGROES.

BUT YOU'RE FROM THE SOUTH.

EVERYONE IN THE SOUTH HATES NEGROES.

YOU CAN'T DENY IT.

WE CAN'T STAY HERE, MOM.

OUR RELATIONSHIP IS BASED ON MUTUAL RESPECT, SAM.

YOU MUST NEVER FLING IN MY FACE

THE FACT THAT I'M A MOTHER.

THESE KIDS ARE NAZIS...LYDIA.

IT'S LIKE THE ENTIRE SCHOOL WAS SPAWNED

BY THE MATING OF FIRST COUSINS.

WELL, I BET THAT'S WHY NONE OF THE MEN HERE HAVE CHINS.

EVEN THE TEACHER'S A FIRST DEGREE IGNORAMUS.

THAT GOES.

I WILL NOT HAVE THE DEAD PASSING FOR ART.

ONLY CASPAR WOULD PICK A HOUSE THAT HAS THAT.

I MADE A DECISION ABOUT THIS BANISHMENT DEAL.

SHOULD I BE TOLD?

THE WAY I CONDUCTED OUR LIFE BACK IN CAROLINA DIDN'T WORK.

I'LL SAY.

SO...

I'M CALLING A TIME-OUT.

NO MORE CONNECTIONS FOR A WHILE.

AS OF THIS MOMENT,

I'M DECLARING MYSELF AN EMOTIONAL CATATONIC.

WELL, HOW'S A CATATONIC SUPPOSED TO RAISE A KID?

WE'LL NEGOTIATE AN ARRANGEMENT.

NOW STAND UP STRAIGHT. A GAL IS JUDGED BY HER POSTURE.

WHY DO I HAVE TO GO?

BECAUSE OUR NEW NEIGHBORS ARE SOUTHERN,

AND WHAT WOULD THEY THINK IF WE DIDN'T

GO OUT OF OUR WAY TO MAKE THEM FEEL AT HOME?

BUT THE KID'S A SQUIRREL.

GENTLEWOMEN DO NOT COMPARE PEOPLE TO ANIMALS, DEAR.

WHAT?

WELCOME WAGON.

HI, I'M LAURABEL PIERCE,

AND THIS IS MY DAUGHTER MAUREY,

AND WE'D LIKE TO WELCOME YOU TO GROVONT,

THE FRIENDLIEST LITTLE TOWN IN WYOMING.

HOW QUAINT.

LOOK, SAMMY. IT'S THE WELCOME WAGON.

HI.

NOW WHAT HAVE WE HERE?

OH, THIS IS A SURVIVAL KIT,

YOU KNOW, FOR MOVING INTO THE NEW HOUSE.

THIS IS FOR YOU.

CHICKEN POT PIE?

YEAH, THE GOOD KIND WITH BOTTOM CRUST.

MAUREY'S DAD CAN'T ABIDE POT PIES

WITHOUT GOOD BOTTOM CRUST.

"QUICK MEALS FOR THE HARRIED HOUSEWIFE."

YES, AND EVERY RECIPE STARTS WITH A CAN

OF CREAM OF MUSHROOM SOUP.

WELL, FUCK ME SILLY.

DO I LOOK LIKE A HOUSEWIFE TO YOU?

NO.

WELL, WE JUST WANTED YOU TO FEEL AT HOME

IN GROVONT.

OH, SAM AND I WON'T BE HERE LONG ENOUGH

TO MINGLE WITH THE NATIVES.

THERE SHE IS.

UH, DOT!

OH, KEEP YOUR PANTS ZIPPED, JACK.

I'LL BE WITH YOU WHEN I'M WITH YOU.

HER NAME IS DOT.

WELL, SHE SHOULD SUE HER PARENTS.

WHAT KIND OF WOMAN WOULD NAME A CHILD "DOT?"

SO YOU'RE THE FOLKS RENTING DOC WARDELL'S PLACE.

THE GUYS PAID ME $1.00 APIECE TO FIND OUT IF YOU'RE SINGLE.