Rules of Engagement

Oh, wow! Look at this place!

It's like being in Paris.

So we agree it sucks.

God forbid we eat anywhere without a pie carousel.

Look how the tables are all smashed together.

As an American, it's my right to eat without touching knees to some dude.

It's your right to remain silent. Why don't you exercise that one?

Oh, here we go.

Please follow me.

Oh, would you stop it? You are so not adventurous.

Not adventurous?

Who's dangling their junk 2 inches over an open flame, huh?

Oh, look at that.

Steve?

I haven't seen you since you moved to the midtown office.

Oh, I know!

- Hey, is Holly meeting you here? - Oh, no, she's not.

Oh, that's too bad. You know, you guys were my one fix up that actually worked.

Holly and I are getting divorced.

- Oh, I'm so sorry. - It's not your fault.

You had no way of knowing that Holly was a soul-sucking demon

who was gonna completely destroy my life.

Oh, that looks good.

I just... I can't believe it. I thought you two were such a good match.

But you know, it's... it's not so bad, you know?

Of course, I did have to move out of the city,

and I sold at the exact wrong time.

Really took it in the shorts.

I'm in Jersey now.

Hey! The garden state.

Well, enjoy your meal.

Steve, please join us for dinner.

Oh, you were having such a nice meal, the two of you.

All right then.

Steve, please join us.

Okay, well, if you really don't mind.

3x11 "Family Style"

Holly and Steve are getting divorced?

No. Guys never are.

- Russell, are you surprised? - I am not.

You do not even know them!

But I know physics... for every action, marriage,

there's a reaction, rich divorce lawyer.

I guess I just prefer to look at the glass as half-full.

Well, thanks to you, Steve's glass is half-full...

Of tears.

What's up, Einstein?

Oh, hey, guys. Oh... Our coffeemaker broke, so I gotta get Jen a cup.

Aw, that's nice of you.

Yeah, well, it's more for me than her.

Jen gets a little cranky when she doesn't get her caffeine.

Did she scratch you?

Yeah. But in fairness, I was smiling at her with my stupid face.

So what are you guys up to today?

We're going to a party at our friend Steve's in new Jersey.

He's kinda having a hard time with his divorce.

Yeah. Like us going to a party at his sad singles complex is gonna help.

Hold on. Sad singles complex?

Or hotbed for desperate chicks?

Tell me more!

No. We're going to his party. It's the right thing to do.

Now, I have a hair appointment.

Look, I am the man of the house, and I... and only I... will dictate...

She's gone.

I know. I like to pretend.

- All right, I gotta get Jen that cup... - Seriously?

You're sitting there talking? Where's my coffee?

Do you think if you don't move she can't see you?

I... it works with dinosaurs.

You know, when you told me this was a singles party,

I didn't know it meant the number of people

that'd actually be here. No one made you come with us.

Yeah, what's that like... Being here voluntarily?

Hey, guys! Hey!

Throw your laundry in and spend the cycle partying with us.

Oh, this'll be like shooting fish in a barrel...

lonely women, and my only competition is pale, doughy losers.

None taken.

Hey, okey doke.

Who's that?

I don't know, but she dresses kind of like a whore.

Sold.

May I buy m'lady some detergent?

It's a free country.

Let me guess... you go liquid, straight up with a twist of softener?

- How did you know? - Please... you look like a woman

who likes her whites bright and her colors springtime fresh.

I also know my way around a stain stick.

Ooh. I love a woman who talks dirty laundry.

So... this place is... really something.

These aren't as good as I remember.

Yeah, it's pretty sweet.

Although I do need somewhere to stay the next few nights.

- Why? - Oh, my fish tank exploded,

and they're checking my apartment for mold.

- Oh, no. Did your fish die? - They did. Yeah.

Well, they're in a better place now.

Literally.

I just really need a place to stay the next few nights.

Well, we... I mean, I'd go to a hotel, but I don't have any money,

and, you know, with the divorce and all, you know...

The cheese to a cracker ratio is way off.

Steve, come stay with us.

You're more than welcome.

Oh! That would be perfect!

Thank you! Wow!

I'll... I'll be there tomorrow night, okay?

Let me just go grab some things before the hazmat team seals off my apartment.

You really wanna bring some of this magic into our home.

I feel bad. If I hadn't set up Steve with Holly,

he would not be living here in Hitler's bunker.

Sure, Tina, I'd love to see your unit.

And then I'll return the favor.

Where you been?

Oh, I got way laid in Jersey. Way laid.

- So the trip to Jersey panned out for you? - Oh, totally!

Jersey's an untapped market,

and the best part is, I skedoodle...

she's an entire state away.

Dirty night, clean break.

'Scuse us.

You had a rendezvous with our sister Tina last night.

- No, I didn't. - Are you not Russell Dunbar?

No. He is.

Jesus, Tina.

- Would you be so kind as just to give us a moment of privacy, please? - He can stay.

He's cool. See ya, Buddy.

It seems that after your encounter with our sister,

you promised to phone the first thing this morning.

That did not occur.

My God, is it morning already?

It's just with this daylight savings time, it's crazy, who can keep up?

Irregardless...

It is now 2:00 p.m., which could lead one to believe

that maybe you have no intentions of making good on your promise.

Which would make our sister very unhappy.

And we are very protective of our sister.

Yes. Tina's... she's a great girl. She's really...

How can I make this right?

We're having a family gathering at this address tonight.

You are invited to come and apologize to Tina

for your earlier transgressions.

That does sound like a dynamite plan and lots of fun.

It's tricky, though, because I...

look, look, Tina likes you, she likes you...

For reasons that are not abundantly clear. And she will be treated with respect

as this goes forward. And it will go forward.

Yeah, don't worry, that's... that's what it's doing.

Yeah. Nice to meet you.

You sure you're not Russell.

- Sorry. - Us too.

Guys, thanks so much for taking me in.

Oh, it's the least we can do.

Oh, it's the least we can do. I do not eat that well at my place.

Although they are doing some great stuff with ramen these days.

Love to hear move about that.

- Oh! Well, those flavor packets... - Tomorrow.

I'm beat. I'm gonna hit the hay.

You know what? I really appreciate this, man.

Oh, we're good, brother.

You see that? He's in better spirits already.

Well, why wouldn't he be? He's not sleeping in a moldy apartment with dead fish.

Steve is the perfect houseguest.

Are you kiddin' me?

He took the crusty part of the scalloped potatoes.

The whole underneath part's garbage.

Didn't stop you from eating the rest of it.

I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

- Steve, everything okay? - Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

I'm just gonna sleep out here on the couch.

But you have your own room...

Yeah. Just being in that big bed just reminds me of how alone I am, you know.

Plus, towards the end of our marriage, I got kinda used to being the mayor of Sofa City!

But Jeff and I are gonna watch tv. We... we don't wanna keep you up.

Oh, you won't. You won't.

Whoo!

I'll bet those fish killed themselves.

Why are you so mad? I did what you said.

No, I sent you out for a coffeemaker, and you came back with a stupid French press.

- It's too much work. - It's not!