The Broken Hearts Gallery

He spent the carnival trying to win me one of those giant bears.

Spent all his money, has really bad aim.

All he ended up with was this consolation prize.

Then I thought to myself, maybe he's my consolation prize.

I'm moving to New York for college and dreams,

and he's playing Halo and contemplating a penis tattoo.

So I just said it.

"Maybe we should break up."

And I was expecting him to say, "No, I can't live without you, Lucy."

But instead, he said, "Maybe you're right."

And that was it.

Now all I have left of our love is this sad, second-place duck.

And all his worldly possessions.

Lucy, is this his retainer?

He used to take it out when we'd make out or have a snack.

My favorite memories.

He needs this. He has a shark mouth.

Don't listen to Amanda.

Your collecting is quirky and adorable. You're basically an anthropologist.

Correct, Nadine.

I live in a cave of souvenirs, like The Little Mermaid.

- Nothing wrong with being sentimental. - Sentimental?

It was sentimental when we were 12. This is full mental.

A bike tire?

Okay, this is active trash.

What the hell?

- A used condom? - It's not used. It's in the package.

Gross matches, old... A Monopoly thimble?

That's different.

That's not his.

I'm sorry, Luce.

Okay. Breakup tradition.

Let's wait outside of the liquor store for someone to buy us a box of wine.

- And then drink it through Twizzlers. - Yes!

- Let's go. - Let's go.

Wait, are these his car keys?

Vroom, vroom, bitch.

Lucy, we're leaving.

Lucy, let's go!

Lucy!

- Found it. - What's happening, Grey Gardens?

Guest list for the Meszaros opening at the gallery tonight.

If I lost this, Eva would skin me alive.

- Okay, she can't possibly be that scary. - She's terrifying.

Eva Woolf is the most influential gallerist in New York.

- As your lawyer, I'm saying, calm down. - Well, you're not a lawyer.

You're in law school.

Whatever. I can still defend myself when I murder Jeff.

I love you.

Maybe one day, our paths will cross again.

Look at that little baby model. She has no idea she's an endangered species.

Are you gonna marry Yulia and get her a green card?

Destiny has other plans for us. Maybe we'll meet in another life.

Does she know that? Oh, God. That I believe in reincarnation?

[AMANDA & NADINE CONTINUE INDISTINCTLY]

Well, I saw that coming. - You know what else I love about Max?

Oh, please. We're waiting with bated breath.

Ignore her. She hates joy and confetti.

Nadine, I've said it five times. Confetti is trash that falls from the sky.

Max is a fully grown man. I went to his place in the West Village.

What?

And he cooked me dinner with ingredients he had in the fridge.

- He has a fridge? - What?

And you know what else he has? Coffee-table books.

- Oh! - So he has a trust fund.

I can't hear his roommates having sex through the walls because he has none.

You guys are using those noise-canceling headphones I got you, right?

They don't work. You are so loud.

- Sorry. - Just can't believe he chose little old me.

- That literally makes no sense. - Are you joking? You are a literal goddess.

Are you guys exclusive? Have you discussed?

There's no need. I'm satisfying him in all areas. What more could he want?

Don't be stupid.

The first time Jeff was ever inside me,

I told him I would castrate him if he ever spoke to another human woman.

Fine. I'll confirm tonight.

After I impress Eva, enjoy the open-bar spree,

it'll be the greatest night of my life.

That's what people say in horror movies before they get herpes and die.

I'm going to work now.

No.

Little souvenir. This was fun.

- Pay up. They're still together. - Oh, yeah.

Snacks for later. Come find it.

She seems so happy.

What...?

- Excuse me. Can you...? - Let me in.

What are you doing? Please, don't.

- Hi. For Lucy? - Why are you getting in? No.

Lyft. Adolfo in a silver Prius.

- I'm not... - 7023 Decatur. Start the ride.

Really? Are you serious? This is a private car.

- You're everyone's private driver. Clever. - No, no, no.

That's Uber. Also not what I'm saying. Can you please get out of my car?

I selected "no talking."

- Listen, Adolfo, I... - Adolfo?

- I would love to hear your story. - Okay.

It's just that I've had the worst night of my life, and I just wanna go home.

Where are you going?

7023 Decatur.

Do you have an aux cord? Or just put on Hot 97.

Anyway, how was your night? Can't be worse than mine.

Do you see this grown-man tie, Adolfo?

Well, this belonged to Max, and it's practically all I have left of our love

because tonight, he shook up my life to its very core.

It didn't start this way, Adolfo. Oh, no.

I was happy once. In love like a big, dumb idiot.

This is my favorite part.

Just before the show when all the art is hung.

It feels like we're getting the toy store ready for Christmas.

Cute. But Eva gets back today and we have a lot to do.

I love her so much, gives me diarrhea.

She discovered Cindy Sherman in a Laundromat.

Gave Basquiat his first solo show. I just wanna grow up to be her.

Thrilled that I pay you to socialize.

Max, we are meeting with Marlene Dumas this afternoon.

Word is, she split with Zwirner.

Strategy session, my office.

Close your mouth, person. It's unbecoming. Up, up, up.

Oh, wait. Excuse me, Mr. Sexpot Gallery Director?

Hot tip, Marlene Dumas? Focus on her riskier works.

I read that she prefers the paintings that embarrass her.

You are my favorite secret weapon.

God, you make me look good.

Wait, he actually said those words? - He was paying me a compliment.

I'm sure the first rule of compliments is, don't reference yourself in a compliment.

Oh.

- Don't interrupt. You're derailing my story. - Oh, sorry. I thought this was my car.

Well, as I was saying, we were very subtle at work.

- No one suspected a thing. - What's going on with you and Max?

Can I help you, Harvard?

I may not have feelings,

a love life of my own, or any friends, for that matter,

but I do have eyes.

Okay, you're loitering.

Junior year, I took a gender study class at Harvard...

There it is.

...about the social expectations in a woman's life,

and I think you're unconsciously subjugating yourself to prop him up.

Classic overachiever. She seems really smart.

So we had this art opening at the gallery tonight,

which is why I'm an absolute vision.

Thank you.

- Again! Wow.

You might pace yourself. This is a work event.

Calm down, Judge Judy. I am just trying to have fun.

- Do they teach you that at Harvard? - Yeah. It's a general education course.

- Sounds really fun. - Wasn't meant to be fun, just educational.

Have you seen Max tonight?

Looks like Dr. Amelia is back from Paris.

What? What are you talking about?

Me? I don't know. I'm not fun.

Sorry I couldn't go to an Ivy. I couldn't afford to pretend to row crew.

Sue me. Sue me.

Max never uttered a word about any sexy doctors,

and Harvard's an energy vampire, so I didn't let her get to me.

- Hello... - Eva.

- You. - Hello, goddess, you, also.

I'm not one of those bitches that doesn't empower women.

- Well, that is... It's great to hear. - So you're up.

What?

Max is giving remarks. Get up there. Introduce him.

To be honest, I've had a few tequilas. I don't think...

I'm not your sorority sister. Just go.

So like any booze bag with a fear of public speaking, I had more.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and those who do not subscribe

to traditional gender roles that are a product of patriarchal society.

Am I right?

Yikes. Uh.

Uh. Sorry. Um.

I am here to introduce Max Vora, director of Woolf New York.

Max joined Woolf in 2014.

Um...

Where was I?

Um... Oh...