Doom Patrol

This moment in history is ours to do with what we will.

The hour upon us is dark.

Our very way of life is under attack.

Our dedication to evil, besieged.

But we will not shy from adversity.

Niles Caulder will be stopped.

Evidently, he's taken out our man in Paraguay.

And that insufferable Eric Morden along with him.

Je m'en fous.

In light of this new intelligence, it appears we're next on his list.

However, it'll take much more than whatever two-bit army Caulder's building to stop us.

Monsieur Mallah...

Send him in.

Kindly send him in, please.

- I thought you said this was fixed. - It was working this morning.

- We have access to the most intelligent alien technologies. - Give me a second...

- And we can't even... Oh, God damn it. - Let me just try and see...

- Just leave it. Leave it! - Oh, okay. Fine. Okay.

Maureen, send him in!

Behold!

Garguax the Decimator!

Eater of worlds!

Annihilator of Zortain!

Raider of the seven galaxies of Cressida!

It's just us, Samuelson. Relax.

Thank you for coming, Garguax.

You've already been briefed, so I'll be quick.

Our crusade against Caulder is in jeopardy, and we need back up.

When this transponder gives the signal, you'll know the targets onsite.

She must be eliminated swiftly and with severity.

Of course.

And who is the target?

You're our most trusted ally, Garguax.

We're counting on you.

The fate of our entire organization rests in your hands.

Make us proud.

Week one. We're in. No sign of the target.

But when she dares to show her face, we'll be ready.

In the meantime, our presence here will go completely unnoticed.

Behold!

Garguax The Decimator!

Eater of worlds!

Annihilator of Zortain!

Raider of the Seven galaxies of Cressida.

Jim Thompson. Life Group Insurance.

And he said to me, "I am a proctologist."

And I say, "Great!

Then you shouldn't have any trouble...

Pulling your head out of your ass.

Week 87.

Still no sign. Ever vigilant, Garguax.

Week 143.

Still no sign.

Week 247. Week 292.

Still no sign. Ever vigilant, Garguax.

Week 326.

Still no sign. Ever vigilant, Garguax.

My Lord...

My Lord...

My God...

Week 2189.

Still no sign of the target. Ever vigilant...

God damn it!

There are mysterious things in this world that bear keeping an eye on...

Shit...

Shit...

Shit!

Shit!

Oh!

Ah!

- God damn it, Larry. Where are you when I need you?

Is that what I think it is?

Is that your home, pal?

You wanna show me your home?

Oh, God...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

Hey, little buddy. It's okay.

I gotcha. I gotcha.

It's okay.

All good. I'm on it.

Think this little hellraiser was just looking for some attention.

Which is why we were hoping to let him cry it out,

so that he can start going to sleep on his own.

What? No!

You can't spoil a baby in the fourth trimester.

He'll get into a rhythm when he's ready.

Okay. Thanks, Cliff.

It's okay, sweet boy. It's okay.

Dad, is your hand--

Turkey cheddar sandwiches are out in the kitchen.

Toasted the rolls, just like you like.

I put together the new stroller.

Finished up a load of laundry,

and I'll swing by the market to grab some more diapers for Professor Poopypants here.

Anything else you want me to get while I'm there?

Uh, no, I think we're good.

Okay. Cool, cool, cool.

I'm gonna go get the mail.

Awesome.

I get the guy wants to make up for lost time,

but... does he got to do it all at once?

He's just excited. Hey, have you by any chance noticed how his hand--

Oh, God.

Uh, sorry, a bit jammed up. Baby's fine.

Just a little sun shower.

Hey.

It's okay, Rory. It's okay.

You all right?

Yep! This is just... It happens sometimes. All good.

All right.

Come on, you stupid fucking piece of shit robot body. God damn it!

Call initiated.

You're shitting me.

I shit you not, dude.

Our lead on the Quorom breach checked out.

Evers had help.

Who? Wait.

Let's not talk on open line.

Call terminated.

Grid.

Run another facial recognition search on Roni Evers.

Scanning.

Inconclusive.

Where are you?

Grid, cross check her last known whereabouts with--

Mandatory shutdown initiated.

Grid, what are you--

What the hell?

- Let me explain. - Explain what?

Why I'm standing here calling you from a flip phone

I haven't used since middle school?

I was gonna call,

but things have been a bit tense around here lately.

What's going on?

Your actions had consequences.

That's what's going on.

What?

Quorum sent S.T.A.R. Labs their security feed from a few days back.

And guess who made quite a cameo.

All right. I know how it looks.

I won't sit here and pretend to understand why you did what you did.

But this is bad.

No matter the excuse, at the end of the day, Cyborg let a criminal go free.

That's all I am to you?

Cyborg, brought to you by S.T.A.R. Labs.

Don't even try it.

- We both know that's not true. - Isn't it?

If it were, I wouldn't be doing everything in my power

to smooth this over and save your ass.

So, maybe a little gratitude?

They can't just shut me down.

You shut yourself down, son.

There's got to be something I can do.

Don't do anything to piss them off more than you already have.

- Just lie low. - Can I at least just--

Just. Lie. Low.

Excuse me?

Hello?

A little help, please?

Hello?

Ugh...

What the hell happened?

Oh, just one of my episodes.

I need to get out of here.

I'll get the sump pump.

I mean, out of this insufferable house.

Everywhere you turn in this place,

it's Niles, Niles, Niles. It's exhausting.

All right. So take a walk.

I was thinking more like a vacation.

A proper vacation.

I can't go on vacation right now.

- I got a lot going on. - Oh, really?

Like what?

I'll get my laptop.

That won't be necessary.

Oh. Hey.

- I wanna say, um-- - Secretary.

If you need assistance booking travel, allow me.

Done.

Codsville Mountain Resort.

It satisfies all the requirements

I assume you're looking for. All-inclusive, inexpensive,

remote, quiet, cable TV and bottomless mimosa brunches

every day in a place called the "Bing-Bang Room."

Sold!

You coming?

Oh!

I'm saving up my vacation days for a trip to Dollywood.

Okay. But does Jane wanna come?

I'm sorry.

Jane's currently unavailable.

Kay?

What are you doing up here?

I was curious.

It's been a while since I last looked out.

I didn't even think you knew this place existed.

- Are you okay? - I was going to ask you the same thing.