Veep

It's just incredible.

- Hmm. - "New Selina."

"Now."

Oh, it's perfect!

I don't really get it, actually.

Ma'am, we're so far ahead in the polls

and you're not even running yet.

SHEILA couldn't agree more.

- Hey, Kent's dating again. - Oh.

No, SHEILA is my predictive computer model

- for election results. - No. No.

Strategic Hypermetric Electoral

- Interactive Logistical Algorithm. - No.

- I don't want nuts. - Ah.

I like her more than I like the deaf girl.

- Whatever happened to her? - The police have no leads.

- All right, here you go, ma'am. - I still need my speech.

- It's printing, ma'am. - Amy, are you there?

We're all ready for you, ma'am.

Hey! Sweatpants! You can't just walk out.

This isn't a Terrence Malick movie. Sit.

All right, quiet, everyone. Mommy's reading.

Okay, the network's been properly fluffed.

Told 'em to expect a surprise announcement

without telling 'em that she's surprise-announcing.

Maybe after the announcement we can finally sit down.

There's still a lot to talk about.

We talk plenty, Amy.

No, not you, ma'am.

- I was talking about the... - What?

Jesus, I thought you sent that thing

to the 7-Eleven dumpster in the sky already.

It's just we've been so busy with the campaign. I don't wanna...

Waitin' for the thing to get into fucking college? What are you doing?

- Okay, Leon, - Yeah?

I'm still... I'm not sure about this part

where I say I wanna be president for all Americans.

- I mean, do I? You know? All of them? - Mmm-mmm.

- How about "real Americans"? - Oh, yeah, that's good.

And then we can figure out what I mean later.

Ma'am, I don't have a copy of the speech.

Okay, I don't know what she's saying,

so, here.

Ma'am, the voters need to know clearly

and definitively why you want to be president.

In your own words.

If you want me to use my own goddamn words,

- then write me something to say. Okay? - Yes, ma'am.

Oh, and take out the stuff about immigration

'cause I feel like it's a little too issue-y.

Okay.

Hello, Iowa!

- I'm... - Selina Meyer.

- Wait a minute. Where is everyone? - Maybe they're hiding.

What...

Amy? Where are you?

At the airport. Where are you?

I mean, there's only one fuckin' runway!

I'm at the airport! We just landed!

- That's not possible. - Right now I'm standing here,

with my dick in my hand,

in Cedar Falls, Iowa!

- Ma'am, we're in Cedar Rapids. - No!

- This is supposed to be New Selina! - Now!

If Mohammed Atta

had you people booking his travel,

he'd still be alive today.

Which from his perspective,

would be a massive fuck-up.

Yeah, it didn't go very well.

- Ya think? - Ma'am, FYI,

we're tracking a school shooting

in Spokane, Washington.

- Muslim or white guy? - Don't know yet.

- Which is better for me? - White guy.

Fingers crossed.

Okay, guys, what happened at the airport today

can never, ever happen again.

And so, as such, I have had a... Okay.

I have had Amy prepare

a full autopsy of the last campaign

to specifically identify

problem areas within the organization.

- Hmm. - Okay? So, Amy?

Thank you, ma'am.

I have put together a summary list

of what I discovered were the most egregious

- flaws in our organization. - I said this already.

This is what I just said.

- Yeah. - Great.

First and foremost,

there was a reluctance on the part of the candidate

to take responsibility for mistakes.

What? No, you were the one that made mistakes.

What else? Go on.

Uh, second, there was a culture of blame

which made people feel unsafe expressing criticisms.

What dumb asshole said that?

Number three, an unwillingness to actually discuss strategies

- and share ideas with campaign staff. - Okay, yeah.

- Four... - All right, autopsy is now over.

Forget about it. Oh, my...

How many pages is this, 500?

How about I write 500 pages

about how you need to start wearing concealer?

All right.

Ames, can I get a copy of that?

Guys, this is not going to be a repeat of my last campaign.

I am New Selina.

- Now. - Exactly.

So I'm gonna shake things up. I'm gonna hire Keith Quinn.

Well, he's already doing oppo for Kapoor's people.

Then offer him campaign manager.

I thought I was your campaign manager.

I thought I was going to Cedar Falls.

- Cedar Rapids. - Ma'am, we have

another candidate announcing for president.

Oh. All right, well, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say white guy.

I was reminded of another innovator

by the name of Jesus Christ.

Thank you.

Two wheelchair guys behind him?

What, we didn't get the point with the first one?

- I got it. - One wheelchair guy, good for you,

two wheelchair guys, shame on me.

Okay, Keith fucking Quinn? Are you kiddin' me?

I heard the last campaign that guy joined, he had the entire staff fired.

I knew she'd cut my balls off,

I just thought it would be after we lost Iowa.

Huh. Campaign's ahead of schedule.

Ma'am, the Meyer Fund is now completely wrapped up,

but there were some accounting issues

that didn't resolve cleanly.

All right, but that's Andrew's department,

so you could just give him a call.

His cell phone number now seems to belong to a Portuguese gentleman.

Ma'am, your non-announcement this morning

has given us an excellent opportunity to fix your speech.

- Why do you want to be president? - Leon, I've got this.

It's all in my head, so just don't worry about it.

Sorry.

Why would you want to be president?

- As the child of a Native American... - Okay, I get the gist.

Is Little Richard ready to go and meet some voters?

Mom, you can't keep using our baby as a campaign prop.

It's just a few more months in Iowa...

...and then we're gonna

hide him when we get to New Hampshire.

No, no crying.

Mom, you cannot tell the baby "N-O."

"N-O" is a negative rejoinder.

We don't want to constrain Little Richard developmentally...

What are you supposed to say then when the baby is being an asshole?

For instance.

You're supposed to say, "That's not our plan."

I don't even know where to start.

- Well, Child Services is a good place. - All right...

Here. Take... Go back to Mommy number one

or two or whatever.

Catherine is Mama, and I'm Mom-Mom.

You didn't want to go with Mommy and Agent Palmiotti?

So sorry.

Catherine.

Okay...

I'm sorry about that, Gam-Gam, ma'am.

Catherine's been suffering from postpartum depression.

- How can you tell? - Well, the haircut.

It's been tough on both of us.

- Particularly on our sex life. - Okay.

- I've gotta get out of here. - We still enjoy sex in the mornings,

but in the evenings, hardly ever. And rarely penetrative.

- Amy? - Ooh, Amy.

- Amy. - Mmm-hmm?

I, uh, just had to get away from

"Blue is the Most Annoying Color."

CNN has the current Spokane death toll at six.

- Leon! - Yes.

Okay, I need a statement. Spokane.

- Standard thoughts and prayers? - Bull's-eye.

- Ma'am, the speech? - I know.

Amy, why would you want to be president?

- So I can nuke America. - Mmm-hmm.

- That's actually not bad. - Pretty good, actually.

I love you, New Hampshire!

And that's why I'm skipping the Iowa caucus.

Because I want you, my home state,

to pick the next president,

and not because my polls are low there.

And just wait until you see how we juice the economy

with my new seven-eight-nine tax plan.

No, it's nine-eight-seven tax plan.

It's 9% sales tax...

The candidate thinks it's funnier that way. Wait for it.

Why was six afraid of seven?

Why?

Because of my seven-eight-nine tax plan.

You know what I always thought the funniest number was?

Eleven.

Did you guys know that I got married?

Who wants to meet my brand-new smokin' hot wife, Beth?