Venus

Shall we? We shall.

Oh, my God. Now what have I got today?

Oh. Mmm.

You should try these. You'll never wake up.

It's the waking up pills I'm looking for.

Anything blue, I recommend for that.

White ones give me more of a thrill.

Mmm.

- Cheers. - There we are.

"Do not operate heavy machinery.

"Keep away from children."

Biblical advice.

There you go, gentlemen.

Thank you. - Excellent, my dear.

- Have you got my glasses? - No, you've got them.

Why would I have them? I'm not wearing them, am I?

Christ, I've lost them now!

That's the worst thing that's ever happened...

They're in your right hand.

Oh, yeah.

You wouldn't last five minutes without me.

I'm getting help.

- Professional? - My niece's girl.

Have you worked out what the girl will actually do?

She'll shop and cook for me.

- A sort of nurse, then? - No uniform.

Don't give yourself a coronary.

At the hospital they said if I'm clear in five years, l'm safe.

I said, "By then I'll be drinking with Jesus."

He's looking forward to meeting you. He loved your Polonius.

But he found your Caesar a little weak.

Weak? A little...

- what? ...fruity.

No, he fucking didn't. Did he? Fruity?

What the fuck? Fruity! Fucking fruit.

I'm parched. How about a drink?

This isn't a pub. I've got to get her room ready.

Can I help?

God, no.

No, don't flap it about like that, Maurice.

I'm getting wind rash.

- I'll tuck it in, you'll tire yourself. - She'll suffocate in there.

There's no reason for her to move around unnecessarily at night.

- Not unless she needs to attend to me. - In what way?

I've bought a little bell to put beside my bed.

If I feel unwell, I can tinkle it. See?

I bet she can't wait to hear that little tinkle.

I've bought her a pink towel, too.

So there's no confusion in the bathroom.

No, you wouldn't want that.

No.

And in case she wants something to read, I got her these.

Fucking Edith wharton.

L really want to educate the girl, Maurice.

Pass something on.

Yes, dear.

She loves music.

While we're eating, I thought we could listen to the St. Matthew Passion.

Lovely.

No doubt it'll be tomato soup and a temazepam for you.

No doubt.

Shall I get her to run a nice bath

and put my dressing-gown on the radiator?

I hope she can do a rocket salad.

Or something interesting with fish.

Going anywhere nice for the holidays?

- Where? - Piranha fish.

Fantastic.

Right, Maurice, deep breath for me now.

And, there we go.

Easy but not necessarily nice. Uncomfortable? That's quite normal.

Feel the same myself.

Everything all right otherwise? Life treating you well?

- Jesus Christ. - Good.

The prostate should feel like a peach with a groove down the center.

Yours is a little bumpy.

There might be a small nodule in there, but it could easily be nothing.

So we need to send you to a specialist.

A lot of older men have this problem. It rarely kills them.

They die of something else first.

Right.

So you should worry a little but not a lot.

Now then...

wOMAN 1: Not after last year. I made that quite clear.

Good on you.

In the end, there was such a stream of... You know.

- Really? - Yeah. Coming and going, and all that.

I felt like standing outside and shouting,

"Another warm body for my friend."

- You should have done. - Yeah, I know. Excuse me.

That's fine. All done. Can you put your finger on that, please?

Hello. How are we today?

Come on, old man!

Thank Christ you're here. What's up?

Horrible, horrible, foul and vile beyond belief.

What an upset.

Was the bath too cold or the towel too hot?

- Was the fish overcooked? - Fish? Fish? Fish?

I'd have been lucky to get a fish finger

inserted into my rectum.

- Good God! - God, Maurice.

What's gone wrong?

It's hardly been 24 hours, already I'm screaming for euthanasia.

- Shouldn't you be getting ready? - For what?

The theater.

Oh, God, yes.

Yes. Let's leave immediately.

I'll just change.

Let's hope it's a long play.

You've never said that before.

I'm Maurice.

Maurice.

You?

Can I?

You will find I usually call around this time, for a little drinkie.

I like whiskey with a whisker of water.

No more than a whisker, mind you. That ruins it.

It's called "drowning."

Drowning.

Do you know how to mix drinks?

Once acquired, it's a talent that will serve you for life.

Like typing.

So, what are you doing?

- In London, I mean. - Looking for work.

- What sort of work? - Work.

- You know, work. - Yes, yes, I know all about it.

Any particular kind?

- Modeling. - There can't be much call for that.

- Call for what? - Yodeling.

Not yodeling! Yodeling? Modeling! You know.

You know anyone in the modeling field?

Yes. I know everyone.

Do you have a fallback position?

No.

- No, I don't need one. - Right.

- Are you saying I do? - No. I wouldn't say that.

- No. - No? Good.

I'm thirsty now. Can I have a beer? I told him to get me some in.

- What did he say? - He said it were a slippery slope.

Oh!

Lan?

It won't be as good as Celebrity Love Island,

but it will be live.

- Live? - You might enjoy it.

- Can't we go and see Lion King? - What a good idea.

Come on, you minger! What a mess you've made.

Oh, God!

No!

No, no!

Stupid cunt. You're in the biggest trouble of your life.

Come on.

Don't make me stand here on my own, you cunts!

I can't stand it.

Come with us. - Now I've got no one.

Get a minder.

I so loved you in the Dickens the other night.

You noticed me?

Don't be silly, of course I did. You were very funny and clever.

Thank you.

- Jillian? - Yeah, Jillian.

- You're famous? - A little bit.

- What's your name again? - Maurice.

Maurice Russell.

Oh, right.

Isn't it the end?

It's never the end when you go to the theater, I'm afraid.

- Come on. - Are you taking me somewhere?

- Yeah. - How wonderful.

I'll have a Bacardi Breezer. Me, too.

What is it? It's red.

Oh, good.

Like wine?

Is it?

Getting on well with Uncle lan?

- Do you know anything about fish? - Fuck all, my dear.

- You? - Fuck all.

- You could consult a book. - A book?

Yeah, you know, two flaps of cardboard with printed pages in between.

- Do you read a lot? - Only when there's no one to talk to.

That went down a treat. Another?

- I'll let you get me one more. - Oh, thank you.

Excuse me.

I think you're sweating on me. I think it's gone in me mouth.

- I'm sure you've swallowed worse. - Oh, shit.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Come on. Come on, Jessie.

Nearly there.

There you go.

Oh, fuck! Jesus!

- Dad? Dad. Don't leave us. - He's going. He's going.

No. Goodbye. Goodbye.

Goodbye, Dad.

And cut.

- Very good. All right, thanks, everybody.

- Are you okay? - I think I'm going to die.

You can't die yet, Maurice, we haven't shot them carrying the body out yet.

Hello, mate.

Here you are, Mr. Russell, as requested.

Thanks, old chap.

And may I take some of these cakes?