American Dad!

# Oh, boy, it's swell to say #

# Good... # # Good morning, USA #

Aah!

# Good morning, USA! #

# I'm gonna eat some bread #

# Gonna eat my potato bread #

# Gonna eat some p-o-t-a-t-o-to-to bread #

# Potato bread! #

You worthless piece of.

Excuse me?

Excuse you?

For eating the rest of my potato bread?

I made that myself and you know I didn't.

Roger, I...

Wai-wai-wai-wai-wai- wai-wai-wai-wai-wait-wait.

Wait. Wait. No.

How dare you?!

I've been working my tail off

trying to get my lounge bar up and running,

and you just sit there all day

breathing through your mannish mouth,

itching your lumpy butt with your gorilla arms!

What?! I said I hate you!

In Hayley's defense,

she's been a bit extra mopey lately because of Jeff.

He got a job on The Deadliest Catch,

and she worries for him.

Oh, please. The Deadliest Catch?

They're just fishing for crab.

You want to talk about deadly catches,

let's talk about catching AIDS.

Or a baseball thrown by superstar pitcher Randy Johnson.

What about an AIDS ball thrown by Randy Johnson?

Oh, I like that.

Hello, Mark Burnett? This is Roger Smith.

What about a show with Randy Johnson

throwing AIDS-covered baseballs at people?

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh!

Okay!

The new Hummie C.O.K. Guzzler.

It runs on carbon, oxygen and potassium.

Oh, yeah...

the chemical symbol for potassium is K.

Boy, my chemistry is a little rusty,

but wouldn't it run cleaner if they added

another carbon molecule before the potassium?

Then it would guzzle C.O.C.K.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, wow, look at this sticker price.

Can we even afford this car, Stan?

Of course we can.

The trade-in value of my SUV

will cover a ton of the cost. Watch this.

Felix.

Felix, I would like to get 15 grand

for the SUV you sold me a while back

and put it towards a C.O.K. Guzzler.

Stan, I'd love to get you started guzzling C.O.K.,

but I'm afraid the Blue Book for your vehicle

is barely $10,000.

I couldn't do any more than that.

I'll grant you, sometimes my face smells bad,

but that doesn't mean my head's firmly planted in my ass, Felix.

I can't go over $10,000.

I know this car can get fifteen,

and I'm not settling for a penny less.

I'll just sell it myself.

Oh, no, Stan, really?

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure.

Wh-What is, what is that smell?

I think it's your face.

This place is just what Langley Falls needs.

A chic lounge environment for young professionals.

If they need it so much,

how come there's nobody here?

I'm gonna eat you one day.

My bar is dead. It doesn't make sense.

I co-wrote City Slickers with Babaloo Mandel

but I can't do this?

We need a, we need a draw. We need a hook.

# There's a saying old #

# Says that love is blind #

# Still we're often told, #

# "Seek and ye shall find..." #

My dear Lord.

# So I'm going to seek #

# A certain lad I had #

# In mind #

# Looking everywhere #

# Haven't found him yet #

# He's the big affair #

# I cannot forget #

# Only man I ever think of #

# With regret... #

Roger! Oh, relax.

It's nothing I haven't seen before.

You perv, get out of here!

I'll leave, after I tell you this:

You just got a job singing in my lounge.

Really? Shut up.

I want you there tomorrow night wearing something amazing.

Oh, and don't worry about the camera.

It's made of chocolate.

Ow! Oh, that's right,

it's the toilet camera that's chocolate.

Oh, boy, that's on film.

Francine, I just posted an ad

for my SUV on Craigslist.

Ooh, any responses yet?

Let's see here.

Oh, looks like I've got three.

And they're all for anonymous sex.

Maybe it's because I wrote, "Smooth ride, oversized trunk,

lubed and ready to go."

Shouldn't have had that wine before I wrote this.

Good, you're here and you don't look terrible.

Miracle.

I'm actually looking forward to this.

This is just the distraction I need while Jeff is at sea.

And what's my distraction from your boring stories?

Hit it, Stelio, you Greek genius!

# Another bride #

# Another June #

# Another sunny honeymoon #

# Another season #

# Another reason #

# For making whoopee #

# A lot of shoes #

# A lot of rice #

# The groom is nervous #

# He answers twice #

# It's really killin' #

# That he's so willin' #

# To make whoopee #

# Picture a little love nest #

# Down where the roses cling... #

Not bad last night.

Here's your cut.

Maybe you should buy a new bra with it.

When you shimmy, your boobs are kind of all over the place.

You're looking at my boobs?

What? No.

If anything, I was looking at you teats

because I think of you as my cash cow.

I just want to milk ya! Milky, milky, milky!

Roger, quit! Okay, sensitive.

Boy, you smell bad today. Did you just fart?

You know I didn't fart, Roger.

It smells like you did.

Smells like girl fart in here.

Pumpkin bread.

Right. Anyway, thanks for the money.

Nah, nah, nah money.

So stupid.

Uh, what was that?

What? I'm always mean to Haley.

Yeah, but usually you're genuinely mean.

This time you were playfully mean, like you're teasing her.

So what? So what?

So everything!

When a boy teases a girl,

it's a sign he has a crush on her.

The same way that hot dogs for dinner

is a sign that Mom's overwhelmed by her period.

Are you kidding me?!

You think I have a crush on Haley?!

Now I do!

No way! She's a piece of crap, Steve. I swear!

Yeah, she is kind of a piece of crap.

Don't you talk about her that way.

Trapped ya!

Oh, boy.

I can't believe I'm in love with Haley.

I don't want to be in love with her,

she's your sister, she's married,

she's... Haley.

Relax. First of all,

you're not in love, you just have a crush.

Happens to me all the time.

The good news is, it'll pass.

In the mean time, you just need a distraction.

Like-like a hobby.

Maybe turn to exercise.

Focus on building core strength.

Those look angry.

Okay, just a crush; I'll get over this.

What's a good hobby?

Got a bunch of string that's not doing anything.

Ah!

Hey, you.

Uh, hey, you.

"Hey, me!" You flipped it on me.

Look, I just wanted to say thanks

for letting me sing at your bar.

I mean, I'm no Christina Aguilera,

but, you know, when I'm up there,

I really feel like a star.

Ha! What're, what are you doing?