Mr. Topaze

Halt!

Break ranks! Gather round!

- Now then, what did we see today? - The cathedral!

The cathedral, yes. And when was it built?

- 14th century! - In the 14th century.

Now then, how many fish were there in the pond?

- Three! - Four!

There were four fish in the pond. Four.

Hands up, all those who said four.

Oh... I thought there were some of you who said three.

In fact, I'm sure there were some of you who said three.

- All right. Did you enjoy your walk? - Yes, sir.

- Good. See you in the morning. - Goodbye, sir.

- Oh, Mr Topaze. - Oh...

I'm so sorry to disturb you, but, er...

may I ask you a great favour?

Yes, please do.

May I borrow your red ink?

Oh, yes, with the greatest pleasure.

I, er... I've just bought a new bottle.

- You're so kind. - Oh...

Erm... it's in here.

Erm... the new bottles have the rather curious habit of being stiff,

so I'll open it for you, if I may.

I-Isn't he lovely?

- I like people who like animals. - Oh...

I love animals.

- Oh, do you? - Yes, I... yes.

Erm...

- Are you going to do the corrections? - Yes. Mm.

It's a job I don't like very much.

I love doing corrections.

Sometimes I find myself correcting the writing on the posters in trams even.

Sometimes.

Well, there you are.

You can keep it as long as you need.

Thank you.

Miss Muche...

I am at your service.

At my service?

I wish you really meant that.

But I do! You know I do.

It's a pleasure.

Please, Miss Muche, let me take your homework with me,

because, you see, when I'm at home in the evening, correcting it,

it will seem as if... I'm still near you.

Oh really, Mr Topaze, you shouldn't say such things.

I'm very sorry, but... please don't refuse me.

Oh, very well then. Just this once.

Oh, thank you.

It's all done up with your own little strap.

I'm so happy.

- Oh! Oh, Mr Topaze... - Yes?

Your red ink. I won't be needing it now.

Oh. How very... very sweet of you.

You, erm...

You won't let anyone know that you're helping me, will you?

No.

Nobody shall know...

that you and I are doing something forbidden together.

Oh, please!

It's our secret, Ernestine. Our lovely secret.

Yes. Well, erm... I shall want those books by half past eight tomorrow.

- Remember... - Hmm?

- Not a word! - Oh, no... not a word.

Thank you.

Not a word.

Topaze, Topaze. How is it going with Ernestine?

Beyond my wildest dreams, and what do you think?

She's just given me her homework to correct.

- That's a step forward. - Well, it's a step in the right direction.

Oh, how wonderful to be so clever and so attractive!

Oh, would you tell your dear wife I shall be in late again tonight?

Of course, yes.

I reckon I must be the worst lodger she's ever had.

Still, if I didn't give these private lessons, I couldn't pay the rent.

- You'd be too embarrassed to ask for it. - I would not!

- Oh, I bet you would. - I would not!

I bet... What do you bet me?

I bet you two francs.

I bet you thirty francs.

I bet you thirty and a half francs.

- Hello, Gaston. - Hello, sir.

Are you ready for your lessons?

Eh? Come on, up we go.

Good gracious, have you gone through all that muck?

Hello, Tamise.

You must've got up in the middle of the night.

Well, I... didn't feel very sleepy.

"And love banished sleep from my weary eyes."

Hmm!

Pindar. Pindar.

Greek poet, Pindar.

You know,

why is it they spell stars with a "z"? I'll never understand that.

- I thought I might help you. - Hmm?

No, no, no. Er, no, thank you very much, Tamise,

but, er... she might recognise your handwriting.

Well, er, shall I just underline the mistakes for you?

No, it's very sweet of you,

but, er, you know, er, she might sort of recognise your touch.

Some people press harder than others, and, and... and, er...

K-L-O-C, "clock".

Ah! So she knows your touch already, eh?

Hmm?

I said, "She already knows your touch." Hmm?

Only with a pencil.

Not the way you mean, you naughty man.

And what about eternal love?

Have you sworn that away?

No, no, I... I've said... I've said a few things.

I've said some quite daring things, but I haven't gone that far, no.

- Well, you should. - Should I?

- Yes! - Hmm! What do you think I should do?

She is a woman. You must appeal to her as a man.

That's what they want, women. They want men.

Yes, yes, I quite agree with you, Tamise, I agree about that, but...

I mean, do you think she'd see me in that light?

I mean, do you think I... I'd have any appeal to her as a man?

- Stand up! - Hmm?

Stand up!

Yes, you... You present quite a manly appearance.

- Your own teeth... - Yes.

- Healthy hair... - Yes.

- A good beard. - Oh, the beard...

Your beard is really quite masculine.

You know, from certain angles your face is positively leonine.

- Do you think so? - Yes... yes.

Yes, yes... Yes, I see what you mean, Tam.

I am not of unprepossessing features.

You've got a very distinguished nose.

- Do you think so? - Yes.

I never... never used to like my nose.

Oh, it's a very good nose, a commanding nose.

- Do you think it is commanding? - Mm-hmm.

It's just that one never thinks of one's nose as being commanding.

- Oh, the gas has gone. - Oh, let me do it, let me do it, let me do it.

There's some matches and coins on the meter if you can find them.

Uh... gets a bit cold in here when the gas goes out, doesn't it?

Yes, I see what you mean about the commanding thing.

It is commanding from the front, but maybe less commanding from the side.

Ah, Topaze!

Ah, you cut a fine figure!

The learned brow of a forceful face.

The animal magnetism in the eyes.

Go to her, Topaze. Sweep her off her feet.

- Demand her hand! - Yes, yes.

"Demand" her hand?

- Would it not be better to ask? - No, no, no. Demand!

Women are women - they love to be ruled. You must dominate them.

- Dominate... - Tamise!

Oh! Er, er... Coming, my dear!

Yes, yes.

Yes, yes, yes.

Erm, Tamise,

how did you propose to your wife?

Oh, I didn't have to.

- Her mother arranged everything. - Yes.

Well, you see, Ernestine has no mother,

and of course, as you know, her father is our headmaster.

Have no fear, Topaze.

This is natural selection.

Take her in your arms.

Kiss her forcefully.

Bruise her lips.

Show her with your one kiss

that you are the master come to claim your slave.

Veni, vidi, vici.

Oh, Ernestine...

What do you think she might say?

She may faint away in your arms murmuring, "Topaze, Topaze."

Or in her modesty she might repulse you,

or she might even say, "Don't you dare!"

Or she may even slap your face,

- but that's not important. - No, no, it isn't.

So long as she doesn't call out for help,

the answer is, "Yes."

Yes, Ernestine,

your Topaze is here.

Yes.

I think I might try that.

I think I might.

Good morning, Ernestine.

Good morning.

Is there anything wrong, Ernestine?

Is there... something wrong?

Ernestine?

- Hmm? - No, nothing's wrong.

Well, it has come to my ears

that you've been spending the evenings in the home of a very beautiful young lady.

Oh, but my contacts with her are of a strictly professional nature.

Oh, really?

Well, from what I heard, all contacts with her are of a strictly professional nature.

But she's the relative of a pupil of mine.

I really don't care who she is.

I think you're angry, Ernestine.

- Not at all. - Yes, you are.

- No, I'm not. - Yes, Ernestine.

- Not at all. - Yes. Erm...

Erm, please listen to me, Ernestine.