Taskmaster

Hello! Yes!

Welcome, here we go again.

I’m Greg Davies and this is the ninth series of Taskmaster!

Quivering away on their stools are five new rivals,

each one desperate to begin their quest to find some purpose in life.

Purpose that can only be attained by taking home this:

My 24 carat Kopf.

So, let’s meet them and then let’s judge them.

Our phenomenal competitors are:

David Baddiel

Ed Gamble

Jo Brand

Katy Wix

Rose Matafeo

But now he’s back, of course he’s back.

What else would he be doing? He’s had literally no other offers.

It’s little Alex Horne!

I’m trying to develop a new, sort of persona.

- Oh really? - Yeah, I've toughened up.

Because a lot of people think I’m a goody two-shoes. Not any more.

I’m a, uh, well, a goody three-shoes.

- I want people to think I’m a goody three-shoes. - Yep.

Or, I’ve got, I've got another: Goody four-shoes.

There’s a maximum of six and I’ve got two more in the drawer.

Yeah, well, go through those.

Just two little ones there.

Potentially, a goody six—shoes.

Good! Time for our first Prize Task, then. Alex?

Yes, of course, and to really relax the new bunch into the competition,

we’ve asked them to bring in the most stressful thing.

- Ohhhh. Hmm. - Stressful.

The person that’s brought in the most stressful thing,

according to you, The Taskmaster, will get five points

and at the end of the episode, the winner will take home all five stressful prizes

and probably have mixed feelings about the whole affair.

Hello to you, David Baddiel.

Hello there, Greg Davies.

What stressful thing have you brought in, please?

Ah, this:

It’s an empty toilet roll,

and it’s only stressful in very particular situations.

It’s stressful when you’ve had a big shit.

I agree, it’s very stressful and I empathise.

When I go home to see my mum, she uses the downstairs toilet in her home,

and then when I go back, I use the upstairs toilet,

which she does not properly stock.

So, I’m faced with a dilemma every time

I have evacuated my fulsome bowel.

Yeah, well I imagine your evacuations are huge.

Oh, my God.

It’s like a shire horse has trotted through the village.

- Good, I think that's a really stressful opener, well done. - That's all right.

- Ed Gamble. - Hello Greg!

- There he is. - Hello.

What did you bring in?

I’ve brought a compilation of stressful sounds.

Baby crying, nails going down a chalkboard,

an announcement saying that your plane or train has been cancelled.

- Let’s have a listen. - OK.

What’s that?

That’s your train leaving as you arrive.

Oh.

I also got a chair breaking on there. Like, when you sit on a chair and it breaks under you.

- You know that one. - Yep.

I am fat.

Jo Brand.

- Hello, Greg. - What’s your stressful thing?

It is the musical score for

Bach’s Toccata in D minor.

Oh, God, that stresses me out all the time. Does that stress you out?

All the time. Hate it.

Do you know how it goes?

- No. - It goes.

But why does this stress--

Well it stresses me out because I had to perform it

at the Royal Albert Hall in front of 8,000 people.

Just like you did then?

If there was an organ here, would you be able to play it?

Yeah.

Do you want me to play that?

- Yeah. - Oh, well I can’t play that, but I’ll have a go.

Is that technically an organ?

It’s an organ sound, thank you.

Duh-duh-duuuuuh.

I mean, no wonder you were stressed.

That was amazing!

Hello, Katy Wix.

Hi, Greg. Big fan.

What’s your stressful thing?

Umm, this is something I’ve made,

so I’d like that to be taken into consideration.

I drink a lot of tea, so this is,

personally, what I find very stressful, but I think anyone would.

You have glazed the lid shut as well, which is stressful.

Yeah, exactly because it would be even more-

- So it would be stressful getting tea into the spout to start with, wouldn't it?

- Yeah. - Were you trying to make an ordinary teapot?

No, that would be insane, wouldn’t it?

I think it’s a really stressful-looking object, and I really like it.

- Thank you. - And I’m also impressed by your craft skills.

Oh, thanks. I am too.

Rose Matafeo.

Uh, I thought, "What’s more stressful than

an unspooled cassette tape?"

- Here it is. - Here it is.

Look at that, and the craziest, most stressful thing is that

on that tape, I recorded who actually assassinated JFK.

You recorded it, but then you just forgot?

I forgot, yeah.

It wouldn’t be stressful if it was like, say, a Peter Andre album, would it?

- You know, you could enjoy it. - It depends on what is on the tape, for sure.

Unless Peter Andre, by some weird chance, assassinated JFK.

Which I'd love.

I would love it if Andre was responsible.

I think you might now have to say, legally, that he didn't.

I don’t think--

I don’t think a court’s going to take that case seriously.

Here, I’ll say it!

Andre, I think that Peter Andre killed JFK!

Sue me!

- Are you ready to score? - Yes.

There were two that I was least stressed by:

- Ed Gamble’s and Rose Matafeo’s. - Okay.

Three points I’m giving to Jo Brand and her one-man band.

- OK, three points for Jo Brand. - Still not bad.

Four points I’m giving to old Poo Roll.

David Baddiel.

- Four points to David. - It is my actual nickname.

The thing I found most stressful is the idea of scolding my lovely arms,

with a badly-designed teapot, so I’m giving five points to Katy Wix.

OK, right, let’s start the show proper.

Let’s see what they’ve been up to. What is the first task?

Well, just like your bedtime routine, this one involves three aubergines.

Mmm!

Aubergines. Shall I sit down?

- Oh. - Are they your sort of thing?

No, I hate them, actually.

Hello, Rose.

This looks like a trap.

- Looks like a trap? - Yeah.

Oh, hello. You all right?

Yes. You?

Yes.

Do I have to not--

"Hide three aubergines in this room.

"Longest time for Alex to find them wins.

"You have nine minutes, after which Alex will start searching

"for the three aubergines.

- "Your time starts now." - Are you going to close your eyes?

I’m off. I'll see you in nine minutes.

Get out. Quickly.

Quickly, quickly.

I would like to commend you, Ed, for speaking to Alex

in the way that he should be spoken to.

"Get out. Get out now."

I think we should see some stuff.

Okay, the first to tackle the task are two almighty household names:

It’s Jo Wix and Katy Brand.

Right, ahhh

I’ll put it up here.

I’m really tempted to put all three there.

Do you think he’d think about that? Maybe I’ll put them both in there.

I think I'll take the risk.

I’ll be so gutted if it’s the first thing he asks.

It’s going to be too obvious if I splat all of them.

So I’m going to just splat that one.

I think maybe I’ll do things to put him off the scent.

I’ll leave that out as a red herring.

That'll do.

Will it actually make him think I’m hiding something if I'm sitting here?

Alex!

- Good luck, me. - Yeah.

- My time starts now. - Agree.

You’re sitting very naturally.

Yeah, really naturally, like this.

- Why is there Sellotape there? - Just is.

- Do you want me to move? - No, I think you’re sitting on the aubergines.

Do you?

Just the way you were...

OK. Lovely.

Can I look inside your helmet?

Oh, for fuck’s sake.

You’ve got two there.

I really didn’t think--

I haven’t found your aubergines yet.

It’s quite frustrating.

You said that through gritted teeth.

Right, then. Where’s the other one?

Oh, I’ve just found quite a few aubergines.

I walked past them in the very beginning.

- Have you looked in that box? - No.

Thank you.

Have you looked in that hole there?

Yeah, I was just looking in that hole there.

- I’m enjoying this task. - Hmm, I’m not.

Can you stop the clock for me, please?

- Have you got it? - Yeah, I got it.

It was just... How did you get it up there?

- Um, chair. - Chair?

Is it in this corner of the room?