Shrinking

It's Matthew. Leave a message.

Hi, Matthew. It's me again.

I'm so, so sorry. Please call me back so we can talk, okay?

I love you. I'll try you again in a few hours.

Any luck?

I haven't called a boy this much since...

Honestly, I've never called a boy this much.

I've always been very cool.

- You have. - Yes.

- You know what will cheer you up? - What?

Look at that.

I know you're excited, but try to be chill.

I got you.

- Good morning, lovebirds. - Hey, d.

Hey, how are you?

The only thing that can make this beautiful day any better

is seeing a glowing biracial couple.

- Okay. - I wasn't chill, was I?

- You never are, babe. - Dang it.

It is such a nice day. We should go to the beach.

Come on, play hooky with me.

- I can't. - I can't.

I just want to lay on a towel while you tell me I'm pretty,

and then you can rub sunscreen on my butt.

- I have to work. - I have to work.

- Stop doing that shit. - Stop doing that shit.

Been living together too long.

Okay, we used to play hooky all the time.

Do you remember that time that we stole your friend's car

and then we went to this super fancy restaurant,

and then he was in a parade.

- No, that's Ferris Bueller's day off. - Damn right.

We saw it and then we did it.

Well, he doesn't roll like that anymore. This Sean is a giant buzzkill.

All right, grandma, you got too much dip on your chip.

I don't see you out there going hard.

At least when I was your age,

I was getting into all kinds of wild shit.

- What's happening? - I got to get to work.

- Love you, baby. - Bye, babe.

- I gotta go too. - See ya.

Wait, you already got into college.

Why don't you skip school and we get some margaritas?

My dad is right behind you.

- Coffees. - I can hear both of you.

I have a test on the renaissance today. It's kind of my era.

Nerd!

What is wrong with these people?

Look, I've tried to set an example as a fuck up.

It's very disappointing to me too.

And I met with that psycho-pharmacologist you recommended...

- Yeah. - About maybe getting on

- to an antidepressant. - That's great.

I also mentioned that we've been working on me feeling my feelings.

Speaking of which,

yesterday I let myself cry watching a video

of a lion reconnecting with the weird guy who raised it.

Proud of you.

I would actually like to revisit

something that you mentioned when we were at trivia night.

Those two friends you sometimes hang out with

when you're feeling down in the dumps.

Xanax and zinfandel.

Gotta love xanny and zinny.

Yeah, those two aren't really supposed to be friends.

It's like me and my girl Vanessa in the 6th grade.

We couldn't sit together because we'd get into absolute nonsense.

Like, our grades would slip, we'd get detention,

Jada Robinson's pants would get pulled down.

- Why? - She asked us to.

She was proud of her butt.

My point is, those two are a bad combo.

Loneliness becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy

if you are isolating and self-medicating.

If you're doing that, Maya, call me. Okay?

- Okay. - Good.

- Do you want to know what makes me cry? - What?

Any of those videos of that salty judge in Ohio that, like, talks to the defendants

and then doesn't make them pay their tickets if their lives are hard.

Yep.

I dream about him being my dad.

She's got debilitating depression

and she's been self-medicating because she feels like her friends abandoned her.

And that makes you happy because you're a sociopath?

Babe, it's because this is what I'm supposed to be doing.

God, I feel like Beyoncé when she knew she was about to go solo.

- Yeah. - You know, Paul's retiring

and I can't stop thinking, what if someday I opened up my own, like, trauma center.

It'd be like an inpatient retreat

where people can detox and they can do group therapy.

I know I'm just, like, dreaming right now, but, like, honestly,

just the thought of it is, like, really turning me on right now.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

So, helping people with their trauma gives you the downstairs tingles?

Yeah, it's like my foot fell asleep but around my cooch.

- Yeah. - Well, I've got all kinds of past trauma.

Dark shit, real black people shit.

Okay.

What are you doing?

- I want you on that counter. - There's other ways to...

- is there? Let's do that. - No. I'll do it.

- Are you sure? Yeah. - Yeah, I'm good. Yeah. I love the effort.

- Yeah. Tell me more. - Yeah.

Long story, but I was the very first Amber alert.

Fuck, that is hot.

Hey, we got a lot to do before we retire that Jersey of yours,

but I'm gonna help you through all of it.

Transferring patient care, handling client records,

poetically book ending a pitch perfect career.

And I have been guilted into helping with the legal aspects.

So, since you own the building,

you'll have to decide on an insurance agreement

in the event that Gaby and Jimmy continue to work there.

Or you could do a property tax transfer.

- Am I boring you? - Very much so.

Okay, well, fuck you both.

Look, Meg's coming for the weekend. I... it's...

my god, girl dads.

Can we please just spend a little bit of time

discussing how you raised strong women who idolize their daddies,

but not so much that they date old men?

'Cause, you know... 'Cause old men are gross.

No offense, no offense.

Look, can one of you knuckleheads just drive me to the airport to pick up Meg?

Absolutely. Whatever you need.

If I have to go, I get to pick the music.

Fine.

Valjean, at last we see each other plain

"monsieur le mayor" you'll wear a different chain

before you say another word, javert

before you chain me up like a slave again

listen to me there is something I must do

this woman leaves behind a suffering child

there is none but me who can intercede

in mercy's name three days are all I need

then I'll return I pledge my word, and then I'll return

you must think me mad I've hunted you across the years

men like you can never change a man such as you

believe of me what you will - men like you can never change

- there is a duty I've sworn to do. - Men like you can never change

you know nothing of my life - no, two-four-six-one

all I did was steal some bread - one, my duty's

I am warning you - you know nothing of javert!

I was born inside a jail - there is nothing I won't dare

I was born with scum like you - if I have to kill you here

- I am from the gutter too. - I'll do what must be done

did you guys make that up?

- Yeah, we did. We made it up. Yeah. - Yeah. We made it up.

Hey, Paul, how many poignant goodbyes has Jimmy said to you already?

Way too fucking many.

It's not on purpose, okay?

It's just that every time I say goodbye now, it comes out way too emotional.

I'm saving mine for when you actually leave.

But just a heads-up,

I am going to need you to tell me how much you love me

and how I've influenced your life and your skincare routine.

I'm all about that cocoa butter.

Your hands feel 25.

Hey, kid, will you make me a spreadsheet

so I can keep track of my patient referrals?

No problemo. Anything for you.

- See you guys. - Goodbye, Paul.

Jesus.

Damn it.

"Anything for you"?

While I almost understand your need to be at the Beck and call

of your outgoing king,

take it from someone who's done way too much care giving,

this is not gonna go the way you imagine it.

Gab, I'm not expecting that much.

Just for the next few months, I would like to shadow him, to fully absorb his genius.

And perhaps we coauthor a paper about it.

Then, on his final day, I would really like him to look right in my eyes and say,

"thank you, Jimmy, for I have learned something from you too."

Yeah.

Old people are good at two things:

Spreading computer viruses and taking shit for granted.

For example, my mom is currently at my house

because the nurse I hired for her went on vacation with her family.

That ho didn't even ask me.

I just come home and there's my mom in the kitchen,

frying some fish in her t-shirt and underwear.

Do you know what sucks the most?

There's something worse than underwear fish?

You'll never get that thank-you you're dreaming about.

Should I just wait in your office?

Dan, hey, come on in, man.

- Hi. - Hello, Gaby.

Go for it.

Hey, Gaby...

what are you doing for the holidays?

Which holiday?

Your choice?

Okay. Hey, we got a little more work to do on small talk, but you started so strong.

- Thanks. - You're welcome.

Hey, who needs a thank-you from Paul when I got one from Dan?

I know you said you wanted to be paid in taco bell,

but I figured it would be too messy for our walk,

so I brought you this taco hair clip instead.

My god. This is so cute.