Shrinking

Hello?

Hello?

Can you see me from down there?

Hello!

See y'all, slowpokes.

Remember when Tia would say we were hiking too slow,

and she'd run ahead and then wave goodbye like a lunatic?

I don't remember because I wasn't invited on hikes back then

because you guys used to think I was edgy and difficult.

And now we don't.

I am who I am.

But look at our girl back in wild pants.

Yeah, those are my favorite.

Yeah, I'm trending up.

Rewatched the animated hobbit,

did my nails, tried to paint little tiny swords on 'em.

Turned out a little phallic. It looks like a bunch of little hobbit dicks.

Now I got my man on his first hike.

Yeah, I don't know about hiking.

What? Do you just walk when it's hot?

Sometimes your thighs chafe a little.

- Can we stay on Gaby, please? - Thank you.

So does that mean you're coming back to work tomorrow?

I'm still processing shit.

She's processing shit, Jimmy.

Jesus, back off, dude.

Okay, why is everybody ganging up on me?

- Funsies. - I like hiking now.

- Yeah. - Jimmy, I need, like,

another week at least.

What? Are you tired of driving Paul around?

It's just every morning he makes me stop for "akaya."

It's acai.

And who introduced this guy to smash mouth?

Me.

Should I do something new with my hair before college again?

Maybe go blue or pink?

Or you could be a total badass and just shave it all off.

Supporting that.

People will think that you're a psycho or, like, deathly ill.

Either way, everyone's gonna let you do whatever the hell you want, so, a win-win.

- Hey, man. - Hey.

You finished your lunch, like, an hour ago.

What you still doing here?

Maybe I'm just chilling with my peers.

- Who's gonna break it to him? - I got it.

Brian, we love you, but you're old, my guy.

I am so close to slapping you right now.

And anyway, I am not an old.

Finish this sentence.

- "Whoop…" - there it is.

Damn it.

Okay, fine. I needed a break from Charlie.

We've been sleep training Sutton and we're at each other's throats.

Last night, he was being a bitch

and I told him that he wasn't the father,

which is inarguably true,

but then he yelled back, "neither are you,"

which was really just

so hurtful.

Shit. It's dre thibodeaux.

- That's a fun name. - I know, right?

It's a real firsty-lasty. You gotta say both.

Hey, dre… thibodeaux.

Told you.

Okay. Sounds great.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Yeah, thanks for calling.

Shit. Did you not get the job?

No, his aunt died.

But I got it. I fucking got it.

I'm a sous-chef, baby!

Baby! Yes!

My god.

- What? - Shit.

Hey, Jorge doesn't know about this yet, so cover me.

Hey, what are you guys celebrating?

My baby said her first words.

- That's crazy. - Yeah.

What did she say?

She said,

"dada so young."

Dude, you were there when I was born.

You have a landline.

You still call it czechoslovakia.

Why? What happened?

Okay.

I'm glad you were in the neighborhood.

Well, maybe I wasn't in the neighborhood.

Maybe I just wanted to see you.

That's what I was hoping you would say.

No, I was in the neighborhood.

Goddamn it.

My pilates is across the street.

I would love to say you'll be seeing me three times a week,

but it's more like once every two weeks

after I eat a bunch of donuts and I hate myself.

- More whipped cream, please. - Of course.

So I have to wait until you're filled with self-loathing

until I get to see you again?

Yeah, but I can access that at almost any time.

- Cool. Me too. - Okay.

How about tonight?

Shit.

I rarely have anything going on, ever,

but unfortunately, my dad is coming into town tonight.

Right. And meeting parents might be too soon.

I mean, you already met my ex-husband and my kid

and felt up my house bra a little,

so maybe we're there.

Listen, I'm not afraid of us moving too quick.

We're rule breakers.

Good morning, Jimmy.

Morning, random woman.

Paul, this is sofi.

Sofi, this is Paul,

my pimp.

Hey. I took a little fall this weekend.

Julie made me use this.

But go ahead, have your fun.

You leave your fur coat in the car?

I don't know why I said that. I don't even know you.

She's perfect for you.

You don't mean that as a compliment, do you?

I do not.

Okay, well, I gotta get going.

- I'll talk to you soon. Okay. - Okay.

Nice to meet you, Paul.

Nice to meet you.

Wow.

Shut up.

- What? - I seem to remember someone at my wedding

encouraging you to get back out there.

I thought you might wanna thank whoever did that for their wisdom.

Thank you, Paul.

I'm proud of you.

Keep being brave.

Gaby in yet?

She said she needed another week.

Damn it. That's not good.

I can go talk to her again if you want.

No. I broke it. I'll fix it.

If I have to, I'll drag that woman back to work myself.

That sounds like something a pimp would say.

Be cool, player.

Any requests? Give me a quarter, I'll play anything.

Just name it.

- Hi. - Hey.

Wow, full house?

Yeah, you know, I was stuck at home bored.

I saw your dad walk up,

and like you always say, "su casa es mi casa."

I've never once said that.

- Well, you should. - Okay.

You know, Jimmy plays piano.

Yeah, we're all painfully aware.

I'll take a little credit for that. I, you know…

One time I had tickets to see Billy Joel.

My friend dropped out. And I, you know… I thought, "I mean, I'll take Jimmy."

You know, it was a school night. His mom wasn't into it,

but I wanted him to experience

- the joy of live music, so… - yeah.

He was so blown away. He walked around in a daze for, like, a week.

I was not in a daze.

I was traumatized.

The 60-year-old woman standing next to me

ripped off her panties and threw 'em on stage.

I saw things no seven-year-old should ever see.

Then I signed him up for piano lessons and the rest is history.

Her name was Valerie schoenberger.

Now, that's a story.

I wish you were my dad.

That story reminds me.

One time, I tried to get backstage at an Ed Sheeran concert

by saying I was his secret daughter.

But turns out so many redheads do that

that he has a paternity test guy that travels with him.

Who wants coffee?

What are you guys doing tomorrow?

I'm picking up a new car that needs a little love.

Thought we could spend the day detailing her up, listening to some music.

As fun as providing free labor sounds,

we actually plan to buy stuff for Alice's dorm room tomorrow.

Well, we can do that anytime.

I wanna do car stuff with grandpa.

My bad. I forgot about your passion for "car stuff."

Okay, yeah, you two should go do that.

I have plenty of work stuff to catch up on, so…

Cool. Well, think I'll turn in early.

Derek wore me out when he gave me ten bucks to play all that steely Dan.

- He's fun. - He seems to really enjoy you too, dad.

All right, get some rest.

- Bye, grandpa. - Catch you in a few.

You know what's weird?

I can tell it bothers you when other people like him.

What? No. Come on.

Okay, maybe a little.

Look, kiddo.

Grandpa's a charmer.

It means people only get to see one side of him.