Taskmaster

Ah!

Nh, spla. Ooh!

Is this a joke?

Yeah!

Mm-mm! Oh!

Oh!

Oh, I like that!

Oh! Wow. Mm!

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

Taskmaster was recorded in accordance with all social

distancing guidelines in place at the time of filming

Hello, one and all!

I'm Greg Davies, and I am the Taskmaster,

and this is Taskmaster!

It's a brand-new series with a brand-new cast

and a brand-new set of tasks.

But I'm not brand-new.

Quite the contrary.

I'm a living relic, an almighty deity,

resurrected time and time again.

I'm not as good as God, but I sure am one swell guy.

So, who are the five so desperate to get their hands on my golden goblet

that they would go against the explicit advice of their agents?

Well, let's cast our eyes across five faces of fear,

and please welcome Alan Davies...

...Desiree Burch...

...Guz Khan...

...Morgana Robinson...

...and Victoria Coren-Mitchell.

And now, to my assistant.

Usually I introduce him in a derogatory way,

but, for a change, I thought he could read the introduction

I've written for him.

Over to you.

My name is Alex and, in interviews,

I pretend Greg and I are friends in real life.

But, in truth, we barely know each other.

Also, I've got a little winkie.

It's little Alex Horne!

Do you want to play a quick game of "whose face am I sitting on"?

Yes, cos I know this is the pre-prepared banter

you've got for us. It's a little game for you.

I thought you'd enjoy this. Whose face am I sitting on, Greg?

I don't know, Alex. You can have 120 guesses.

OK.

I can do an impression of them. OK.

"Oh, would you like a present?"

Er, Father Christmas!

Yes! Father Christmas.

That was really good.

You can't sit on Father Christmas' face.

Oh, yes, you can.

Right, same old prize task, is it?

Yes, way, Jose.

And for this first episode, they've been asked to bring in

the thing that, if you put it in a bag and sit on it,

it would feel the nicest.

There are five enormous points available for the best thing

that would feel the nicest when sat on in a big bag,

and the winner of tonight's episode will win all five things,

and therefore require an even bigger bag.

And a much bigger bottom.

This task, to me, feels fraught with dangers,

but I know I'm going to start with a mature man who I know

won't have gone route one.

Alan Davies.

Welcome to the show, what have you brought in?

It's an inflatable cushion...

OK... which I have for the kids in the car.

But as an optional extra,

an electric toothbrush.

A car seat and a toothbrush. There you go, Greg.

You probably would put the toothbrush inside the cushion.

It's got a little zip.

Then you turn it on and, of course, it buzzes and vibrates.

And that's always a bonus in a seat, isn't it?

Do you imagine the toothbrush to be lengthways?

Of course. Or sideways?

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

I expect questions, but come on, there's a level of common sense.

You'd have to recharge it,

so there's a limited amount of time for you to enjoy the vibration

of your seat, Alan.

And that, my friend, is where the whole thing falls down.

Des... Desiree.

The most comfortable thing, I think, on planet Earth are boobs.

And you can't put human boobs in a bag because... sick.

But you can get a replica of those in a bag.

So, what we got were those chicken cutlets, like, that replicate boobs.

Chicken fillets? Yeah, those little guys.

Oh, you mean that thing you...? Yeah, that go bloop, right?

And they feel boob-like in a bag.

Here's a bunch of boobs for you. OK.

Static boobs, no variety, no variation, no rotation.

Well, I mean, you can go to a couple different shops, if you want,

and get different boobs, all right?

To be honest, they can all laugh,

but we've managed to get guys home with those. Yeah! So...

You haven't managed to get any guys home with them in a bag.

Guz, what have you brought?

I bought a chair, and then, I put it in a bag.

Here is the chair.

It's the same one as he's sitting on at the moment.

Right, so he didn't bring a chair, he's just...

No, I might've bought it, you don't know.

It's important that you and I form a bond of honesty

at this stage in the series.

So, I ask you this now...

...last minute, did you think,

"I'm just going to say I brought this chair?"

Yeah, a little bit. Right, good.

Last place. Morgana.

What have you brought in?

I've brought in a spinning washing machine.

But it's got to be on spin, not just any old washing machine.

OK. But it's got to be, you know, on "vibrate" for the last bit.

And we can see it spinning right now, Greg. OK.

There it is. See, there it goes. That's going to... Yeah, yeah.

I've got... Same vibe.

Same vibe, but a little bit less subtle, I think, Morgana,

but there you are.

I put it to you, it's a hugely uncomfortable seat.

I just think it's a bit like - I mean, I'm not saying I want to

spend all night on it, but I think...

How long do you want to spend on it? Five, ten?

I think it'll give me bum problems.

Do you really think? I think it'll tighten everything up. It isn't.

I think it'll do the opposite.

I think it'll work things out that I wouldn't want worked out.

Victoria. Yes.

You got a nice sitting thing?

Diamonds.

Interesting.

All this soft things and squishy things, and vibrating things

are all very well.

I'm looking for the greater comfort of long-term financial security.

So, these are the diamonds that the winner is going to sit on.

Quite a few. You've brought those in, Victoria?

No, of course not.

If I had that many diamonds, I wouldn't be here.

So, what you're offering up is the concept?

You asked what, if you put them in a bag and sat on them,

would feel the nicest - and I say diamonds.

As a rule... I don't enjoy this kind of attitude.

There's an over-confidence to it that I've stamped out of Alex.

Thank you.

Here are my judgments.

In last place, guess who?

Is it Guz Khan? It's Guz Khan!

One point to Guz...

Guz, you're in the lead currently.

Obviously, er, the washing machine,

the second-laziest thing here, two points.

Controversially...

Oh, now this is interesting.

...it's the diamond-bum girl, three points. Oh!

Above a lifetime's supply of diamonds, I'm going to have

a vibrating toothbrush.

So, four points to Alan Davies. Four points.

And five points to Desiree!

Congratulations. And we're off! Desiree, five points.

Well done, Desiree.

Whoo! Feel the rush!

What's first on our agenda?

OK, we are starting with a new non-non-contact sport.

Where's Alex?

Is he off sick?

Cheeky cacti, yeah.

OK.

Thought I was going to call it a cactuses.

It's cacti.

It's not a real cactus.

"Strike Alex with a ball."

"Alex may not run..."

"Hide..."

"Or leave the Taskmaster grounds.

"Fastest wins.

So, I've got to find the little BLEEP.

"Your time starts now."

But do I have to find the ball?

Where's Alex?

A sneaky task, Greg.

Why is it sneaky?

Well, they had a little camera there. Yeah.

And I could see what the camera was showing on my little screen here,

so I could see where they were moving, but they didn't necessarily

know that I could see that.

Well, I don't want to mess around, I just want to get going.

Who are we seeing first?

The first two people we're going to see share their names with old men,

it's Des and Vic.

Erm... er...

Where the hell would a ball - would probably be in here?

Erm...

Oh.

Hello. Hello. SHE LAUGHS

Do you have a ball with you? No.

Why... why am I looking in here?

This doesn't make any sense.

Er, OK abort, abort. Abort!