Melissa & Joey

"melissa and joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

I moved out, but my key still works.

Yeah, I'd better change the locks to keep the riffraff out.

You know you love the riffraff, come here.

Mm, your lips still work too.

Wow, look at you.

All dressed up for a date with little old me?

Well, yeah, I went full-on goddess for you.

And you sure clean up nice.

Nobody would guess that you spent the day

Changing diapers and playing peek-a-boo

With a pack of wild toddlers.

Mel, across the street in the buchwald house,

We like refer to the children as "high-spirited"

Or, um, "under medicated."

Enough shop talk. Right here.

So, wait a minute-- um, just so I'm clear,

You still want to take things slow, right?

Because I got to tell you,

A part of me is really starting to speed up right now.

Yeah, sorry, sorry.

Sex is still off the table.

Damn it. I love sex on the table.

Or anywhere really.

Mm, well, good things come to those who wait.

And in your case, fantastic things.

Let me give you a preview.

Preview? Okay. Hmm.

( "twinkle, twinkle little star" plays )

Yeah.

It's the nanny phone.

Hello, mrs. Buchwald.

Yes.

Uh....

Sure, I will be right over.

Okay, bye-bye.

What? I thought this was your night off.

She said she needs me over there stat.

Well, I need you stat-er.

I'll take you out to dinner tomorrow night.

Okay? Tomorrow night. I promise you.

But right now, you know, duty calls.

Literally.

That's funny. Duty calls.

Fine, I understand. Go off to the baby.

Even though he didn't shave his legs for you.

So what's for dinner?

Here you go.

Okay, that is a bowl of whipped cream.

That is not a meal.

Now it is.

You really expect me to eat this?

Oh, man, that's good.

Told you. I know what I'm doing.

Wait, I thought you were going out to dinner with joe.

Joe had to work tonight. He's always on call.

You know, dating a manny is like dating a doctor--

Except without the income, status, or access to drugs.

Okay.

Dig in.

I'm not eating that. I miss joe.

I'm doing the best I can with what's left in the pantry.

Dig to the bottom. There's some refried beans in there.

Okay, you know what? This house is falling apart

Since joe moved out. Look at this mess.

At least one more of joe's former duties.

Ryder, your new job is going to the market.

No, I'm already cooking, okay.

And besides, in two days, school starts

And I got to figure out my entire new look.

Everybody knows the first day

Sets the tone for the entire year.

Your first day on this planet set the tone for you

And it wasn't a good one.

Ryder, I believe in you.

I know you can go to the market

And dress yourself.

Yeah, I'm not so sure he can do either.

And you're in charge of laundry.

- What? - Oh, have fun

Scrubbing my boxers.

No no no no no. See, I've already taken on

One of joe's old jobs.

- Which one? - Snarky comments.

Oh, well, that'll help us survive.

Oh, what do you know?

I've already got snarky comments covered.

You're doing laundry.

So, um...

What are you gonna do, aunt mel?

Supervise, obviously.

So basically, sit around on your ass.

I thought I made it clear.

I'm snarky comments.

Lennox, you're burning my blouse!

What?

Hey.

This isn't even hot.

You know, it would probably work better

If you plugged it in.

Darn, you know, I just-- I don't deserve

To be on laundry.

You know, it's not too late

To put me back on snarky comments.

You guys are not gonna believe what just happened.

Uh, where are the groceries?

All over the floor of aisle six of zippy mart.

Wow, you're both doing a hell of a job

Handling joe's old duties.

Look, I was paying for groceries

- Wait, what? - Well, turns out it was a toy gun.

Nobody knew that at the time.

Still, that's so scary.

Hey, I had to use an iron that could get very hot.

If you turned it on.

Out of the store with a baseball bat, right? And he got arrested.

And the best part, afterwards,

News 19 interviewed me.

Okay, I'm gonna be on tv tonight.

Wow, congratulations. Hey, record it for me, okay?

I can't be late for my beau.

My girls are riding high

And I don't want to let them down.

Giddyup, y'all.

So you know what this means, right?

My first day back at school isn't gonna be a giant festival of suck.

I survived a robbery. I come in with a great story.

Yeah, you happened to be at a store

When it got robbed and you did nothing.

Boy, that is a great story.

Too bad we can't eat it for dinner.

What is dinner when you've got fame?

And I'll have the porcini risotto.

Very good, ma'am.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. It says here,

"allow extra time for the risotto."

How much time are we talking about?

- 35 to 40 minutes. - Ooh, 35...

We both eat fast. That should be fine.

I got to be back at work at 10:00.

You have to back at where at when?

At work at 10:00.

Yeah, I heard you the first time.

I was just giving you a chance

To maybe change your answer.

Joe, I thought this was our night together.

We're together. Let's enjoy it.

You look amazing.

I know, I know, but seriously,

You have to go back to work

Well, if you want to get technical about it,

It would be at the end of our date.

But what if we wanted to do something else after dinner?

Uh, you made it pretty clear we're not gonna be doing

Something else after dinner.

Well, we could do something else

Besides "something else."

Okay, just so I understand,

Are we gonna be having sex in any form tonight?

We'll never know now, will we?

Okay, I sent out a mass email, text.

I put it on twitter, facebook.

Everyone I know is going to be tuning

In to channel 19 tonight.

Don't count on it. The only people

Who still watch the 10:00 news

Just died in their chairs.

No, just wait.

After this, my reputation at school

Is gonna be swag.

But it won't if you keep saying things like "swag."

It's me! Oh, it's me.

Well, just-- it all happened so fast, you know.

One minute, I'm coming in for groceries

And the next minute, I'm staring death in the face.

I'm on tv. And look at that.

This guy pulls out a gun and he yells, "freeze!"

So I stand there like a statue.

And then he looks my way.

And I swear, I thought I peed my pants.

Glad you got your name on that.

No, no, no, keep watching. Okay, hero coming.

Turns out it was a toy gun.

Toy gun-- and, uh, you know--

I didn't know at the time, though.

So what I did is I stepped behind this girl to hide.

You hid behind a girl?!

That's not all I said. That was not the end of the sentence.

Well, it sure sounded like it because right now

They're talking about the zoo's new baby elephant.

Aww, you could have hid behind him too.

No, that cannot be it.

They cut out all the cool stuff I said.

I said I hid behind the girl

So that I could make my move and jump the guy.

Oh, I think everyone will be able to infer that

From what you said on camera.

Oh, no. This-- this is not good.

This is not how you want to go back to high school.

Okay, I got to rethink everything.