The Exes

PREVIOUSLY ON THE EXES...

- LOOK, WE'RE FRIENDS,

AND--AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, WE'RE AVOIDING EACH OTHER

BECAUSE OF, WHAT, ONE SILLY KISS?

- I KNOW. IT'S RIDICULOUS.

- FRIENDS? - FRIENDS.

DUDE. - DUDE.

- LET'S GO, LET'S GO.

WE'RE GONNA BE LATE FOR THE WEDDING.

WOW.

YOU LOOK GREAT.

I KNOW.

I LIKE TO THINK THIS IS WHAT JAMES BOND WOULD LOOK LIKE

IF HE WASN'T ALWAYS A PASTY WHITE, ENGLISH DUDE.

UH, WHAT IS KEEPING HASKELL?

IF HE MAKES US LATE FOR THIS WEDDING,

I AM GONNA BE ONE HOT MESS.

- DON'T WORRY, WE'LL GET YOU THERE

IN TIME TO CATCH THE BOUQUET.

ANYWAY, RELAX.

THIS IS PAUL'S WEDDING, NOT YOURS.

HELLO, GENTLEMEN.

SORRY TO KEEP YOU WAITING,

BUT I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE

IT WAS WORTH IT.

- HASKELL, THAT IS ONE BEAUTIFUL TUX.

WHAT IS THAT, HUGO BOSS? ARMANI?

- NOPE. SHING-SHING WOO.

THIS LITTLE BABY COMES

FROM THE CHINESE PROVINCE OF GUANGDONG CHENG.

IT COST ME $49.95,

AND MOST OF THAT WAS SHIPPING.

WELL, LET'S GO.

I DON'T WANT TO KEEP MY DATE WAITING.

SHE'S MEETING ME AT THE WEDDING.

- WHOA. YOU'RE BRINGING A DATE?

YEAH, OF COURSE.

WEDDINGS ARE MEANT TO BE SHARED WITH SOMEONE.

WHEN I WAS MARRIED, I ALWAYS HAD LORNA,

BUT NOW, I DON'T WANT TO BE THAT SAD BASTARD

ALONE IN THE CORNER.

- A DATE? AT A WEDDING?

WHAT A WASTE.

WEDDINGS ARE STACKED WITH BITTER, LONELY WOMEN

WONDERING, "WILL IT EVER HAPPEN FOR ME?"

THEY'RE DESPERATE. THEIR DEFENSES ARE DOWN.

THEIR BAR IS LOW...

WHICH IS WHERE I COME IN.

THE LAST TRAIN OUT OF SAD TOWN.

THERE ARE MY BOYS.

OH, YOU LOOK GORGEOUS.

- HOLLY, ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY WITH US

GOING TO PAUL'S WEDDING?

OH, OF COURSE.

LOOK, IT WAS SWEET OF THEM TO INVITE ME,

BUT LET'S FACE IT--

HAVING THE HOT, SUCCESSFUL, CHARMING EX-GIRLFRIEND THERE

WOULD BE A DISTRACTION.

YEAH, IT WOULD BE SELFISH OF ME TO GO.

AND, AFTER ALL, THE WEDDING'S NOT ABOUT ME.

WELL, GOOD FOR YOU.

I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU WEREN'T GOING

'CAUSE YOU WERE FEELING JEALOUS

THAT PAUL WAS GETTING MARRIED.

HOW LITTLE YOU KNOW ME.

- I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU WERE THINKING

YOU MADE A MISTAKE BREAKING UP WITH PAUL.

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

- WELL, I THOUGHT-- - STOP THINKING!

GUYS, REST ASSURED, I HAVE NO REGRETS

ABOUT BREAKING UP WITH PAUL, ALL RIGHT?

I HAVE A RICH, REWARDING LIFE--

THERE'S THAT COOKIE.

I'M SAVING YOU FOR LATER.

OH, WHO AM I KIDDING?

?

- WOW. LOOK AT THIS PLACE.

ORCHIDS, DOM PERIGNON, CAVIAR--

IT'S THE KIND OF WEDDING EVERY YOUNG GIRL DREAMS ABOUT.

AND THE OCCASIONAL 40-YEAR-OLD MAN.

DAMN, CHECK HER OUT.

WHEN IT'S TIME TO KISS THE BRIDE,

I'M GETTING IN LINE.

WELL, IF LUCK IS ON MY SIDE,

SHE'LL HAVE A SAD, DESPERATE TWIN

WITH A DRINKING PROBLEM.

- HEY, THERE HE IS. THE MAN OF THE HOUR.

CONGRATULATIONS, BUDDY.

- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?

YOU SENT AN INVITATION.

WHAT INVITATION?

- YOU DIDN'T MEAN TO INVITE US?

- WHY WOULD I WANT MY EX-GIRLFRIEND'S BEST FRIENDS

AT MY WEDDING?

- OH, WOW. SORRY, MAN.

- YEAH, WE DIDN'T MEAN TO INTRUDE

ON YOUR SPECIAL DAY.

- I'M JUST MESSING WITH YOU GUYS.

YOU GOT US AGAIN, BUDDY.

YOU RASCAL.

TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,

I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN YOU DO THAT.

WELL, I GOTTA RUN.

I PROMISED MY NANA I'D TAKE A PICTURE WITH HER.

- AH, YOU MEAN THAT OLD LADY LYING FACE DOWN ON THE FLOOR?

WHAT?

- I'M JUST MESSING WITH YOU.

- WHAT AN AWFUL THING TO SAY,

AND ON MY WEDDING DAY.

- I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW SORRY I AM.

- I'M JUST MESSING WITH YOU.

I THOUGHT IT WAS HILARIOUS.

- GIRL, YOU ARE LOOKING SMOKIN'.

- THANKS. YOU LOOK PRETTY HOT YOURSELF.

- WELL, UH, SINCE WE GOT ALL THIS HEAT,

MAYBE LATER, WE CAN SNEAK OFF

AND PUT EACH OTHER'S FIRES OUT.

SOUNDS FUN, BUT--

HERE YOU GO, EDEN.

- AH. THANKS. - YOU'RE WELCOME.

- UM, BRETT, THIS IS PHIL. PHIL, BRETT.

- WHAT'S HAPPENING, MAN? - HEY.

OKAY.

UM, SO YOU BROUGHT A DATE.

THAT'S COOL. IT'S COOL.

DIDN'T YOU BRING A DATE?

HELL, YEAH.

BECAUSE THAT IS HOW I ROLL.

NOW I JUST GOTTA FIND ONE.

- WOW. EDEN LOOKS GORGEOUS.

- YEAH. - WHO'S THAT GUY SHE'S WITH?

SOME DATE.

GOOD-LOOKING GUY.

- OH, YOU THINK THAT'S GOOD-LOOKING?

STUART, THIS HERE? THIS IS GOOD-LOOKING.

YOU'RE JUST USED TO IT 'CAUSE YOU SEE IT EVERY DAY.

YOU'RE SPOILED.

- ALL RIGHT, I'VE SCANNED THE ROOM.

THIS PLACE IS PACKED WITH BITTER, DESPERATE, LONELY WOMEN.

THE ONLY QUESTION IS, WHO'S GONNA WIN THE LUTZ LOTTERY?

WHAT'S WITH THE SCRATCHING?

- MY, UH--MY SHING-SHING WOO IS A--IS A TAD ITCHY.

- HASKELL, THIS THING IS MADE OF 10% WOOL AND 90% YAK.

HI, HELEN.

UH, WHA--WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU CAN'T MAKE IT?

HOW SICK?

YES, 104 IS ALARMING,

BUT YOU MADE A COMMITMENT.

NO, IT'S FINE. I--YES.

I UNDERSTAND.

FEEL BETTER.

WHAT'S WRONG?

- BITCH CAN'T MAKE IT. - OH, GOD.

OH, NO, NO.

I'M ALONE AT A WEDDING WITHOUT A DATE.

THANK GOD YOU AND I CAN HANG OUT.

I LIKE YOUR DESPERATION,

BUT I'M HAVING A HARD TIME PICTURING A BIG PAYOFF

AT THE END OF THE EVENING.

- HOLLY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I THOUGHT YOU WEREN'T COMING.

- OH, WELL, I WAS SITTING AT HOME,

THINKING ABOUT HOW UNSELFISH I WAS BEING BY NOT COMING,

WHEN I REALIZED, HOW SELFISH OF ME NOT TO COME.

I MEAN, THEY'RE ALL GONNA BE THINKING,

"WHERE'S HOLLY? WHY ISN'T SHE HERE?"

AND THE LAST THING I WANT TO DO

IS MAKE THIS WEDDING ABOUT ME.

- MM. OF COURSE.

MM-HMM.

OH, THERE THEY ARE, THE HAPPY COUPLE.

- YEAH, THEY DO LOOK HAPPY, DON'T THEY?

- MM. THAT COULD'VE BEEN ME.

BUT IT'S NOT,

AND, FORTUNATELY, I'VE MOVED ON.

- HOLLY-- - I SAID I'VE MOVED ON.

- HOLLY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- I'M JUST TAKING A PICTURE WITH THE GROOM.

- HOLLY, MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE COME.

YOU'RE CLEARLY HAVING SOME REGRETS

ABOUT BREAKING UP WITH PAUL.

- WHAT? THAT'S RIDICULOUS. I'M FINE.

OKAY, GOOD.

- I GOTTA GO MEET THE BRIDE.

- WAIT. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

BAD IDEA. YOU CAN'T.

NO, I HAVE TO.

SEE, I'VE JUST REALIZED,

I R.S.V.P.'D NO,

AND IF SHE WALKS DOWN THE AISLE AND SEES ME,

SHE'LL GET SO DISTRACTED,

SHE WON'T EVEN HEAR HER VOWS.

WELL, I'M NOT GONNA LET THAT HAPPEN,

'CAUSE THIS WEDDING'S NOT ABOUT ME.

- KEEP 'EM COMING.

LOVELY WEDDING.

- WHAT'S SO DAMN LOVELY ABOUT IT?

I'M SO SICK OF BEING A BRIDESMAID.

I MEAN, WHEN'S IT GONNA BE MY TURN?

WHEN IS IT--I'LL TELL YOU WHEN. I'LL TELL YOU WHEN.