The Simpsons

Happy Parade Day!

It's the Parade Day Parade!

Clear the roadway!

Your antics inconvenience hundreds!

Hooray for parades!

Your antics delight one and all!

Follow me, Little Lord Ralph!

What's hiding behind the Great Green Wall?

A choo choo? Some buttons?

A dog ten feet tall?

Hmm‐hmm.

My eyes told me a secret!

Aw, last day of school.

Lot of fond memories in here.

- Furnace. - On it.

I know what's behind the Big Hedge,

because I went behind the Big Hedge

and I saw what's behind the Big Hedge

and now I'm gonna tell you. Yay!

The Big Hedge? As in the Big Hedge?

No one knows what's behind that thing.

Although, a seventh grader once told me

it was naked ladies setting off fireworks.

I heard it's where divorced parents go to get back together.

No, sir! It's where they hold the Independent Spirit Awards!

If you call that independent.

No, it's the best playground ever!

There's Easter eggs and baby cars that anyone can drive.

And this many clowns in clown pants!

Dang, that's hella clowns.

- (raccoon chitters) - How the crotch

do we get through that thing?

I've seen my dad do this.

- Wow! Whoa!

See? Easter eggs, clown pants and baby cars.

I love you, clowns!

There's a golf course in the middle of Springfield?

What's golf?

I've never seen a golf course anywhere,

except those commercials for pills

that give old people their life back.

- Duckies! - (ducks quacking)

I'm gonna go steal their wet bread.

Whoa, I've never seen Jimbo looking so sharp.

Is he bullying rich guys now?

Fine round today, sir.

You know, I hope to be a doctor myself.

It's always been my dream to work around blood.

Well, maybe this will help with medical school.

Whoa! 20 bucks!

What the hell, Jimbo? You just suck up to that guy

and he gives you money?

It's not sucking up.

Rich guys love hearing how great they are,

and they're willing to pay for it.

Money pay.

Mwah.

Look away, pervs!

We'd like jobs, please.

Well, you seem a little young, but I do need the help.

I'm out several of my best caddies

due to an elaborate virginity‐losing wager.

Here are your first assignments.

You know, I've never really sucked up to anyone before.

Sure, I've lied, scammed, grifted,

but this feels different.

Special.

Well, I'm a Van Houten.

Watch and learn.

Dang! Looks like I got the handsomest golfer

in the whole damn club!

‐(shudders) ‐(groans)

You fine, boy!

Hmm, you're new.

Uh, that's why they assigned me to you.

The best way to learn the course

is by watching a master carve it up

like a Thanksgiving turkey.

Hmm.

Hmm. That does sound

like something they would say.

Let's play some golf.

: Whew.

Wait till my friends hear I caddied

for Kent "The Straight Dope" Brockman.

We watch you every night.

Really? I thought youngsters got their news from the Internet.

Pfft. No way. My boys think broadcast news is the swagness.

And the girls call you "a snack."

Hope it's okay for me to use the current lingo.

The snack will allow it.

Stacy and I, well, it's, uh...

it's complicated.

Isn't it always?

She's a terrific person and a top‐notch meteorologist.

But if I'm dodging her calls after three months...

I think you've already made up your mind.

You just don't want to admit it, 'cause you're a kind person.

Mm. Guilty as charged.

You da man!

Muzzle your nonsense, imbecile!

Said da man!

This is "The Straight Dope,"

thanking you for a wonderful round.

This is it. The moment of trut.

Did I kiss enough butt?

Only money will tell.

I thought all money was the same.

But the best money is peeled off a wad.

There's my number one son.

Come sit next to your proud papa, workin' man.

We're all proud of you.

I'm sure Bart will learn a lot

carrying a bag of sticks from place to place.

They're called golf bats, Lis.

Nice starter wad.

You want to see what I'm rolling with?

Whoa! That rubber band is just straining!

Can I hold it?

Hey, be careful with that!

- Whoa! - (Homer moans)

No‐static dryer sheets?

You pad your wad?

I'm not the father you thought you married!

- (sprinklers running) - (golf club strikes ball)

Look, Maggie.

Your brother is doing a job.

Aren't you proud of him?

Aren't you?

Want to sneak a peek?

...and in the end, everyone lost money but me.

Wow. I've learned so much today,

about golf, life and oil leases.

I wish I had tribal land for you to build a pipeline on.

I'd be honored if you'd frack under my house someday, sir.

Ugh. I've never seen my son... suck up before.

Easy money. Mwah.

You don't kiss all the golfers' butts like that, do you?

Oh, Mom. These rich guys expect a little... (smooching)

in exchange for some... ah.

It's no big deal.

On one hand, I'm glad you're being polite.

On the other hand...

Wow, I never thought of it that way, Mom.

No one looks out for me the way you do.

You are the shining star

that guides this family through the darkness.

Oh, aren't you sweet.

Why don't we stop by the skateboard store on the way home

and I'll buy you...

Suck‐up.

So, there we are on the 18th green.

The course has been a bear all morning.

I tell Judge Snyder to shut that all out

and just be in the moment.

- He nods, plants his feet. - (gasps) Mm‐hmm?

- And, in one smooth motion... - Mm?

- ...tips me 50 bucks! - (gasps)

Wow. Just... wow.

Why do I suddenly want to bring Bart's car around?

Here you go. Buy yourself a bigger tip jar.

Doesn't it bother you

that Bart made that money...

: sucking up to those golfers?

Marge, sucking up is the American way.

In this country, everybody got together

and decided that all the money should belong

to a few dozen families and their favorite suck‐ups.

Don't you remember when we all decided that?

‐(groans) ‐And of all the things

that Bart might do for money,

this is by far the most legal.

Other people are paying our son.

And in cash!

It's both aboveboard and under the table.

That's the dream!

Homie, I know it's not logical,

but when I saw Bart at that golf course,

my mothering spirit just wanted to hurl.

Back me up on this one.

Tell our son he has to quit.

Quit being a caddy? No way!