Crystal Lake

It says she's only considered missing at this time,

and to call if anyone has any information,

but she's been missing since the murders.

Do you think it's somehow connected?

Oh my God, what the hell, my phone.

So here's some information, they're dead,

like the rest of 'em.

You got my phone wet, jerk.

It's waterproof. - It's water resistant.

There's a difference.

Oh my God, my phone!

What the hell, Adam?

See waterproof.

You should just grab her by the pussy.

- Imala. - What?

That elementary school bullshit

where you're being mean to the girl you wanna fuck

is so last year.

Yeah, you can't just grab a girl by her...

Pussy, say pussy.

Parts.

If it's good enough for a POTUS,

then it's good enough for me.

Okay, let's not get all political, we're on vacation.

I'm not gonna grab anyone by anything.

So I'm just gonna relax

and have a good time with my girlfriend.

And solve the murders.

Now what?

Yeah, that's why we're here.

I thought we're on vacation.

We are, but I figured since we're here, I mean, (laughs)

how do you think we could afford this place?

This is the murder house.

Oh, this is the murder house?

So I'm gonna have sex tonight in a bed

that somebody was killed in?

Only if she a whore with no self-respect.

Oh, and isn't that the slut

calling the whore a prostitute?

- Prostitute? - Slut?

It's a saying. - No, it's not.

It's like you don't throw stones

when you live in a glass house.

Yeah, you shoulda use that one then. (chuckles)

For real, idiot.

I thought they found the guy that did that.

- They had a suspect, but they couldn't pin anything on him.

They don't pin things on suspects.

They convict criminals in a court of law with evidence.

They don't pin things?

Have you seen "Making a Murderer?"

Yeah, he killed a cat and he deserves to fry.

He might have done that,

but they pinned that murder on him.

Okay, okay, stop arguing.

And you want me to spend my entire vacation

trying to find a guy who killed a bunch of people

in this house two years ago?

Yep.

Why?

Why would I do that?

Because that's what we do.

Since when?

Since when did we become Scooby Doo and Crew?

Since now. - I'm Velma.

I'm Velma, you're Daphne.

Hmm, she's Scooby.

Does that make you Shaggy?

You're such a jerk.

I'm only teasing.

Okay, I'll solve the mystery.

It was the husband.

Why do you think that?

Because the husband always does it.

Mm, they think there was two of them.

Okay, then it was...

Okay, it was the husband and his buddy.

Why do you assume it was a man at all?

Because they were manhandled.

The bodies were thrown around and torn apart.

So are you saying a woman is not capable?

Yeah, is that what you're saying?

Are you a sexist, Adam?

They were man-handled.

The word man is in the saying.

No, I am not a sexist, it is what it is.

Did someone say sex?

If you're lucky, I'll give it up.

First, (claps hands) food's here.

Let's go.

Hello?

Hey, Hoyt, how in the hell are you?

I'm good, Monty, but I'm late for work.

Can I call you later?

Sure.

How's Cindy?

I don't have time.

She's no longer in the picture.

Did you catch her cheating?

I tried telling you about that woman.

No, but why would you say that?

You know what, it doesn't fuckin' matter.

She's not here and she ain't gonna be coming around no more.

If she's not around,

I reckon you should just come home.

Why would I want to move back to Texas?

Ain't nothing but a shit hole and the football team sucks.

For one, your family is down here

and I haven't seen Tommy

since he was just an itty, bitty thing.

I'd love to see him.

You could stay with me rent-free

and just help me around the house.

Billy said you could work with him at the sheriff's office.

Sheriff, huh?

I could see that. (pounding on the door)

What the fuck,

does everybody know I'm fuckin' late for work?

Monty, can I call you back later?

We'll talk, bye.

Is this your son?

It depends, who's asking?

I am.

Your son hit my son with a baseball bat.

It's just a whiffle ball bat.

That's not the point.

Maybe your son deserved it, did you ever think of that?

Excuse me?

Maybe your son called you a fat, fuckin' bitch,

and my son defended your honor

'cause you weren't there to do it for yourself.

Did you ever think of that, Karen?

My name is Paula.

Same thing.

Is it true?

But he was bullying me.

You know what, I don't care, I'm late for work.

You know people are gonna make fun of you

for the way you look, you can't let that bother you.

But it's not fair.

You know what, life's not fair.

Quit your whining boy.

You'll live.

Well, I'm late for my shift.

There's milk in the fridge,

make yourself some cereal if you get hungry.

And I'll be home to check on you on my break,

so don't do anything fuckin' stupid, you got me?

Yes.

Oh, and clean out that fuckin shit box.

I can't stand that smell.

I'll get rid of that cat if you don't take care of it.

You understand me, boy? - Yes.

Yes what?

Yes, I'll take care of it, sir.

Well, that's better.

Hey guys, I got something special for us.

- Mm, is that the hot sauce you've been waiting for forever?

Four months, 12 days, 12 hours, and four minutes, yes.

And just calling this hot sauce is a travesty.

The peppers that were in this

come from seeds that were stolen off a farm in Peru

and genetically modified in a lab in North Korea

where they were supposed to go

into some kind of chemical weapon.

One of the engineers that worked on the project

smuggled them into the United Kingdom

where they were grown and hand crushed

into this beautiful and exotic elixir

you see in front of you today.

So I'm guessing it's hot?

The underside of my balls are hot.

This is something different.

Have you guys ever seen the show, "Hot Ones?"

- Mmhmm. - Yeah.

Well, they used this, but they got sued, so.

So you bought the bottle.

Oh, I bought all of 'em.

It took a while to clear customs,

and I can't get FDA clearance, so I can't sell it,

and I'm legally obligated to have you guys fill out

this waiver before you can eat any.

You guys had a chance to paint with Vincent Van Gogh.

Instead, you cut off your ear to spite your face.

It's cut off your nose.

Van Gogh cut his ear off.

Yeah, I know, but the saying is,

you cut off your nose to spite your face.

Oh my God.

Holy shit!

Holy Fuck!

This is hotter than the Devil's tank!

There's milk in the fridge.

Wait, aren't you lactose intolerant?

I am.

I'll be fine.

Okay.

Oh, he's gonna have the shits.

Sam, why are you sitting by yourself?