Malcolm in the Middle

No more junk food

From now on we are going to be a family that eats healthy.

Brownie?

I have my first college visit coming up.

I get to stay overnight in a dorm, tour the campus

and spend 18 hours pretending my family doesn't exist.

I actually skipped all the way to school today.

I probably should've stopped once I passed the football field...

but who cares?

My body may have been stuffed in a trash can,

but my mind was taking a shower with a college chick.

Come on, there's tons of reasons to go out with a guy like me.

To make your dad mad, or your boyfriend jealous.

Maybe you just hate yourself, or have a sick curiosity.

I don't know, I can't do all the work for you!

I thought at least I had a chance with the fat ride.

Did you actually call her that?

Hey, I didn't make her fat.

Who is that?

That's christie. She's the new narc.

We have a new narc ? What happened to to druggie dougie ?

He got served divorce papers in history class.

Aw, come on, she's so cute ! She's a narc?

Hey, papers? Anyone got papers?

Hey, papers? Anybody got papers?

Do you even know anyone who does drugs?

Why are you asking me? I don't have any friends.

But sometimes, I do have brilliant ideas.

Where are you going?

Malcolm, I live in a world of what the hells.

oh, man, I am so...

Never mind.

You can't do this to me!

Dad's supposed to take me, not you!

Malcolm, this is your first visit to a university.

Your father and I talked it over and we both agreed.

This is a big deal. And we don't want to blow it.

If I come along,I can make sure

that you don't say or do anything that you shouldn'T.

I can take a little of the pressure off you.

Wait a second

You guys are talking about college for malcolm and not me?

I'm a year older than he is.

Why aren't you taking me to look at colleges?

Well, son...

I'm just screwing with you. Relax.

Dewey, dinner.

I guess he'll eat it cold again.

What the hell are you doing back here?!

The pianos are for paying customers only!

You're wearing out the keys!

I'm not going to buy you a piano.

You've never even had lessons.

I don't need lessons. I already know how to play.

I'm great. Look.

That's very cute, dewey, but we can't afford a piano.

Do you know how close my company is to going out of business?

They're selling our office furniture

and forcing us to have desk buddies.

Dad, you don't know me very well,

but you couldn't have missed the fact that I'm having a horrible childhood.

Now there's a chance for you to make it suck a little less.

I said no. End of discussion.

Now you're just going to have to find some other way to amuse yourself.

I don't understand it !

I told all the guests about my hayride for lovers

on friday night, and no one signed up.

Well, most of the guests have children.

They can't just abandon them to go on a couples-only hayride.

We're only allowing couples. Ah, well, then there--

there is the solution.

We will start a child care center.

Oh, otto, I don't think...

it will be wonderful.

We will have posture contests,

and I can show them slides of my childhood

in postwar germany.

They will love it.

Otto, as great as that idea is, I wouldn't set my heart on it.

These people came here to spend time with their families.

They're not just going to dump their children the first chance they get.

Can we leave them overnight?

..And the delivery's on time? - Good.

I've got a lot of hungry customers.

I didn't see you. Are you ready?

I think you're going to be pleasantly surprised

by how much ice cream I can eat.

Look, Reese ... Euuuuuh

You know, we got coffee, and we saw a movie,

and we went skating.

I thought hanging out with you would involve a little more...

partying.

Don't you have like a friend or maybe

someone you know of or someone you heard rumors about

that could help us out?

Hey, I got to trust somebody before I party with them.

Well, you trust me, don't you? - Not yet.

but there must be some way a hot girl like you

can get a desperate guy like me to trust you.

Hey, why don't we go park by the river

and see if we can think of something.

I hope you weren't hunched over like that during your interview.

Why didn't you tell him about your extracurricular activities?

How do you even know what I said?

Did you have your ear pressed up against the door?

You should be less concerned about what I did

and a little bit more concerned about your own performance.

And next time say "bless you" when he sneezes.

These people are looking for any excuse not to like you.

All right, 230.

You walked me to my dorm room, you chose my lunch,

you tucked in my shirt in the middle of orientation.

Now will you please just leave?

Why are you in such a hurry to get rid of me?

Because I'm supposed to be doing this stuff on my own.

I'm just here to make sure you do it on your own the right way.

Hi. Are you malcolm? Yeah.

I'm paula. And this is andrea and scott.

I guess we're all going to be roommates tonight.

Cool. Well, I'll put my bags... - Excuse me.

You mean you boys and you girls are staying in the same room?

Yeah. It'll be just like really being in college.

There !

Now we'll all have the same version of what happened here.

That's exactly what I would have done, lois.

Yep. Camped out in the room.

You didn't happen to take the oven timer, did you?

I can't understand this...

all week stuff has been disappearing right from under my nose.

It's like I put something down, and then it's just gone.

No, it's not even anything worth stealing.

It's as if someone is trying to make me crazy on purpose.

You're probably right. I love you, too.

Bye.

What the...?

Can I please have some more lemonade?

What a wonderfully polite little boy.

Please, take a sewing kit

and a small moisturizer.

Otto, none of the parents showed up for the hayride.

Their kids are here.

It's so weird. Nobody's answering their phones,

so I went by all their rooms. They all have "do not disturb"...

I guess I better go get a pep talk ready

for housekeeping in the morning.

Mom, what are you doing with my underwear?!

You had it all crammed up there in the corner.

Wrinkled clothes are the sign of a disorganized mind.

So then I took a guided tour of the plaza de espana in barthelona.

I'm not mispronouncing it. That's the way they say it.

Barthelona.

That is so interesting.

I wish I was more interesting both (?!?)

Do you think it would be pretentious to use the word

"legerdemain" into a conversation with the dean?

What am I saying?

Of course it's pretentious.

I'm such a lackwit.

Relax. If you can't be pretentious in college,

where can you be pretentious? - Really?

So when I get to college

it'd be okay if I called myself antigone?

Of course.

all right, kid, here's the deal,

my name is leland.

More importantly, I'm the R.A,

which stands for resident advisor,

which means I'm in charge of this floor.

So you're going to have to keep the music down.

Is it really that loud?

Listen, guy,

I can either be your best friend or your worst nightmare.

Now turn the radio down.

Is there a problem here?

Who are you?

I'm his mother.

I'm supervising these kids in this coed room

which I cannot believe your school condones.

You know, ma'am,

that's not what I'm here about.

That radio is at least five dbs above the approved noise level.

I'd hate to have to confiscate it or

move on to more serious consequences.

You know what, leland? I've been to college.

I know exactly how much power and authority an ra has.

Good night.

Malcolm, your mom is awesome.

I am so glad you brought her.

This horn's from dad's van,

and this one's from mom's car

and this one's from the ice cream truck.

Dewey. What are you doing?

The spout fell down. I'm fixing it.

Good boy.

Listen, I talked with mrs. Hittelman down the block

and she said that if you want, you can use her piano.

Thanks anyway, dad, but I found something else to amuse myself.

Oh. Well, good.

Hey, have you seen my hair dryer?

I swear, it's like stuff is just getting up and walking off.