Baby Daddy

All right? Okay, perfect.

If somehow I die in the next few minutes,

please take all of this off me before you call anyone.

Knock-knock.

Hey, Ben. Or should I say milady?

Hey, don't make me take these earrings off.

Thanks for hanging on to my stuff while I looked for a place.

I'll just grab a few boxes and get out of your way.

Look, I'm really sorry you have to find a

new place, but your job at the bar is...

Is over. I'm looking for a new one of those too.

You know, someplace where both of the owners haven't seen me naked.

Ben, you're not going to believe... Sam?

Didn't expect you to be here, you know, because then I wouldn't have come in.

Careful, Riley, you might blow out your back holding that giant grudge.

Riley, why can't you at least be pleasant?

I thought you and Danny had worked things out.

Yeah, Danny and I are cool, but she can kiss my...

Oh my God. I almost forgot why I came over.

I just got a call from our old high school athletic director,

- Coach DiNardo. - I thought he was in jail.

Yeah, they couldn't make the charges stick.

But they are inducting me, Riley Perrin,

Team Captain and two-time State Field Hockey Champion,

into the coveted Hall of Athletes.

Oh, is that different than the super lame

Hall of Athletes they had when we went to school there?

I'm just going to pretend that you said congratulations instead.

Oh my God. Thank you so much.

But, you know, I'm on the alumni committee.

I was going over the list of graduates and you're not on it.

I... I'm sorry. Are you implying that I never actually graduated high school

and I've been lying to my friends and family for years?

Um, no.

I was just saying you should probably call the school.

Ah, right. I will... definitely do that.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm in the middle of trying to run a kingdom.

I dub thee Annoying. Begone!

Hey, Mom, can I talk to you about...

Hey, did you hear?

Danny is being inducted

into the Westmore High School Hall of Athletes.

I am so proud. I made everybody T-shirts!

So, what'd you want to tell me?

I didn't actually graduate from high school.

Oh, yes, you did!

I saw you walk across that stage and get your diploma.

I even paid for your graduation trip to Cancun.

Kind of one of the reasons I didn't mention it before.

- It's not that big of a deal, right? - Wrong! Wrong, Ben!

What kind of role model are you going to be for your daughter?

When I walked across that stage and I got my diploma,

that was one of the proudest moments of my life.

Mostly because I managed to do it without going into labor.

I can't imagine another mother, ever, being more disappointed in her son.

Mrs. Wheeler, do I really have to wear this?

Well, except maybe his mother, but I'm running a close second.

Danny Wheeler!

Coach DiNardo! Hey, I didn't expect to see you here.

Neither did my lawyers, but here I am!

Hey, thanks for bringing in some of your stuff

- to help fill out the case. - No problem.

Here's the stick I used to make the

championship-winning goal my senior year.

Girls used to write their phone numbers on it.

You think any of those are still good?

- Danny? - Riley. What are you doing here?

I'm being inducted into the Hall of Athletes as Athlete of the Year.

Actually, it's Co-Athelete of the Year.

Okay. I see what's going on here.

Danny Wheeler, Riley Perrin... two star athletes

who made good and fell in love.

Great little human interest story.

But we're actually not dating anymore,

so if you could keep that on the down-low,

I think we'd both really appreciate it.

Yeah. No one cares.

The school board just coughed up enough cash for a couple of extra cases,

so we figured, might as well fill them.

It's still an honor.

Uh, where is my case, anyway?

Next to the girls' bathroom?

And not even the good bathroom,

the one where the skanks and potheads hang out.

Hey. Skanks and potheads need to be inspired too.

This... This is because I'm a girl.

You know, I get shoved in the back,

while you, a boy, get showcased up front.

If you replace "boy" with "New York Ranger"

and "girl" with "not a New York Ranger,"

then, yeah, I agree with you.

Oh my God. Oh my God!

Look. They're honoring Sam too?

Cheerleading is not even a sport.

She was head cheerleader and they won state like four times.

Oh, are you sure? Do you want to go home and check your diary?

Who's that kid with the huge nose?

Oh my God.

Oh my God!

It's Sam!

And she's hideous.

I can't believe the girl who bullied me every day for how I looked

looked like this.

Oh, thank you. This is going to be so good. I'm going to destroy her.

Or you can be the bigger person

and pretend like you never saw it.

Very funny, Danny, but I need real ideas here.

Dude, I seriously can't believe that you just forgot to take your biology final.

Let's just say an exchange student named

Inka might've had something to do with it.

Inka-Dinka, don't mind if I do.

- Hey, thanks for coming with me. - No problem, man.

You know, I've never really understood

why anybody would want to be a teacher, man.

You're under-appreciated, you're underpaid

and under my sheets if I'm lucky. Excuse me.

How you doing? I'm Tucker Dobbs. I'm a new teacher here.

Do you mind showing me where the teacher's lounge is?

And I wouldn't mind stopping for a drink on the way there.

- Mom? - Ben!

Hey! What am I doing here?

Well, since you brought it up...

Uh, you know, I...

just thought I would come down here and see if there was any way

that I could help you get that diploma.

Oh, thanks. That's why I'm here too.

I just I really want to be the kind of role model to Emma that you were to me.

There you are!

Found your file.

Bonnie Krapinski.

Only three credits shy of graduation.

Never got around to taking that biology final, huh?

What? You didn't graduate either?

After everything you said to me?

I was giving birth.

That's God's biology final.

I don't think those credits transfer.

Oh, hey.

I'd love to stay for any witty insults you want to toss my way,

but this is my last box, so, see you never.

Well, lucky for me,

a picture is worth a thousand snarky comments.

Look familiar?

God, give me that! I thought I destroyed all these!

Please, like I didn't make copies.

What is wrong with you?

I'm sorry I hooked up with Danny in high school,

but you have been a bitch to me ever since the day I met you.

I'm sorry, I was mean to you?

You never missed an opportunity to remind me that I was a fat dork.

Like I didn't already know that?

Look, I got a nose job so I could fit in.

But then, I don't know where God gave me these, and I stood out all over again.

Ever guy wouldn't leave me alone,

and every girl pretty much stopped talking to me

unless it was to make snide comments behind my back,

most of which came from you and your little jock posse,

so don't think that you're the only one who went home and cried after school.

Wow. I...

I had no idea. I'm sorry.

Yeah, well, so am I.

And for the record, I would've reacted exactly the same way

if I found out my boyfriend lied about sleeping with someone too.

- I mean, you flat-out asked him. - Thank you!

Hey, um... I have an open bottle of wine.

Do you want to help me finish it?

I'd love that.

Oh, oh. And you are never going to believe where they put our trophy cases.

Next to the skank bathroom.

And where'd they put Danny's case, right up front?

- Oh, you know it. - Men.

- (door closes) - Oh.

This can't be good.

So, all we got to do, is convince the

current teacher to let us take the final.

If it's still Mr. Roberts, I so got this.

Ben Wheeler.

I do not got this.

Ms. Gilcrest. Hi.

Great to see your eyebrow has grown back.

Bet you never thought you'd see me again, huh?

Oh, I don't know. I tutor at the prison, so I keep an eye out for you.

- You must be the mom. - Yes, Your Honor.

Look, I appreciate that you both want to do the right thing,

so I will let you retake the test.

By the way, it's tomorrow.

Do you happen to know if that was ever made into a movie?

Dude, this is impossible. I'm never going to pass.

What does biology have to do with life anyway?

Look, man, I'd help you out,

but I met the lovely Miss Jimenez in the teacher's lounge,

and I offered to help grade some of her students' Spanish homework.

- I didn't know you spoke Spanish. - I don't.

Which is too bad for little Tommy... C-plus!

Forty-nine!

Can you believe it? Forty-nine!

I could, if you put on a little more makeup and you dim the lights.

Tick-tock, smartass. Tick-tock.

Forty-nine is what I got on the practice test.

What the hell am I going to do?