Orange Is the New Black

I'd butter your toast.

I'd feed her dog.

I'd zip his sweater.

See?

It doesn't matter what you say,

as long as it's "I'd blank your blank."

It all sounds dirty, always.

I'd disembowel his cat.

That is not sexy.

No, she did not say that right.

I'd scratch that eczema.

Oh, she is killing your theory, here, doggett.

Well, her exception proves the rules,

'cause you guys got to know, my boyfriend, Arlen...

Whew, he was the master of it. Ah.

He bed you, whispering, "I'd light your crack pipe"?

I didn't smoke crack.

Crack's for coloreds.

Oh, is it, now?

African-Americans. Crack is for African-Americans.

Maybe you should just drive.

I am driving.

Got to say, these cup holders are nice.

The air works.

Seats don't smell like hot-dog juice.

Maybe we should get all of our terminal inmates

to drive our outdated crap into a quarry.

Got to give it to the baldy, though.

She had some set of balls.

You know, a man went bald.

And he bawled. He said, "wah, wah."

Then he met a really nice lady who...

She liked a clean head, right?

So he balled her real good.

So you got "bald," "bawled," and "balled," right?

They all sound alike, but they're all spelled different.

Isn't that wild? My mom taught me that.

She taught me so many cool things.

Come on, hon. Get it all down.

That's right. Chug, chug, chug.

Hey! All of it!

Finish that bottle.

You can see for yourself she ain't right in the head.

Never had all what belongs to her, poor thing.

But we take what the Lord gives us.

Anyhow, so's I understand it,

supplemental security income benefits

for little bessie bugs like mine is $314 a month.

That right?

How many kids are coming for Mother's Day?

A lot. Some of our ladies, they have three, four, seven.

I would have five... or six,

if you count the one that fell out

after the night in the caves.

Huh. Would have been a miracle baby, like Tim Tebow.

Based on the state of your mouth when you came in,

I'm gonna say your baby wasn't on the star-athlete track.

Oh, yeah? Well, neither was Tim Tebow.

You know, when his mama was pregnant,

she had the sickness.

And the doctors told her not to have the baby,

but she had it anyhow.

And she was on dysentery medicine and in Filipino Town.

He wasn't such a great quarterback.

Oh. Like you so great at football.

I may have kids one day.

One day? You got a time machine?

The women in my family have very young ovaries.

My mother had me at 49.

Her mother had my Uncle Chess at 52.

I got plenty of time.

We believe what we believe.

You guys, look at this... look at this sale stuff.

We should just bring back all this Cinco de Mayo.

I mean, look.

"Fiesta like there's no manana."

Seriously.

You know most of the kids are gonna be Mexican,

so make them feel at home.

Just get them one of these red chili pinatas,

a bunch of these green candies from St. Patrick's Day,

and we got a party.

Doggett, enough.

The only reason why you're in here

is 'cause we couldn't leave you in the van.

Let's go price the helium tanks.

- You all right? - I'm fine.

Are you having a panic attack?

I'm breathing mindfully.

I'm supposed to do it to 108

and then do it again if I'm not feeling any better...

Even though I never feel better.

Now I lost count. Shit!

Where did you learn this?

Some magazine. I don't know.

I'm just trying to find some fucking peace.

- Holy shit. Look who's back. - You missed me, right?

Like a bulldog misses his balls.

You're in that bunk.

- I can't sleep on the top bunk. - You're not the top.

Oh, no. Uh-uh.

That's Rosa's bed. Back it up.

DeMarco, she's been assigned to that bunk.

Show some respect for the dead.

Red, I know you from the first night I spent in this room,

but you take one more thing down,

I'm gonna re-open your head wound.

You want to build a shrine to Rosa?

Build it somewhere she had joy,

Not on this miserable bed where she lay dying of cancer.

The woman went out like a champ.

Tough fucking broad.

- You want any of this? - Yeah, the playing cards.

She was a good card player.

- How you doing, Red? - Strangest thing,

ever since the assault, I speak with this Russian accent.

You still having headaches?

Yeah.

Trying to wean myself off the pills.

I can't stand feeling foggy all the time.

Got any on you?

A few. I've been cheeking them.

- Here. - How much you want?

Nothing.

You don't give anything away for free.

I've turned over a new leaf.

Wait. That's been in your mouth?

Briefly, yes.

Ugh. Skeeve. No offense.

I only share spit with my man and my babies.

I'll take it.

Mother's Day fair... expanded visitation.

It fosters the inmates' connection to the outside world.

These women forget they have lives on the outside,

it affects how they behave in here.

Maybe they forget for good reason.

Well, that's your job to worry about now. You're the expert.

Not really.

My degree's in cosmetology. My whole résumé's a lie.

But you would be amazed what ladies will reveal

while you're bleaching their arm air.

You... I don't know you that well.

You're joking, right?

'Cause I just got everything square around here,

and it's been an uphill climb.

So I heard.

Now what did you hear?

That you got caught in a shitstorm,

but you put up a sturdy umbrella.

Yeah, well, it's starting to leak.

Now I'm doing madame shitstorm's job,

along with doing my old job,

which the powers that be have yet to fill.

I'm doing two jobs.

Do you resent that the administration hired me

before finding a replacement for your old job?

You analyzing me?

No. I just don't want any shade

without having been given a shot.

My beef's not with you.

What'd you hear about me?

That you're smart and you're qualified

and you said yes.

Does my saying yes maybe cancel out the smart part?

How's this?

Welcome to Litchfield, where your services are needed

in both the counseling and hair-removal arenas.

These are complicated ladies in a complicated place.

Yo! Mr. Caputo!

That your girlfriend?

I had a feeling you had a thing for the darker berries.

Jefferson, this is Counselor Rogers.

Counselor? What about Mr. Healy?

He's still here.

Huh. This is gonna get interesting.

Is it? How so?

Jefferson, why don't you go help set up?

Yes, sir, master.

Mr. Caputo, sir.

What do you want, Bennett?

Uh, sir, all the lights in C dorm went out,

so I sent some of the girls from electrical down

to take a look at it.

They're not girls, Bennett.

They're inmates. Or women.

Or electricians.

What's your point?

Um, well, the lights are back on now.

It's a great story. Thank you for sharing.

- Berdie Rogers, new counselor. - Hi.

Officer Bennett, is there anything else you'd like to tell us?

Nice to meet you.

What's going on there?

Nothing. It's nothing.

How about we go on a tour

of the dorms in all their well-lit glory?

Everybody says she's got magic.

Did she touch it, too?

I want to know that she touched it.

Mm-hmm. She touched it.