Lucky Numbers

One, two. One, two, three, four!

Look, Debbie!

Oh, my God, hi! How are you?

We watch your show all the time. Good to see you.

Thank you. Thank you. All right. You have a good day.

: Bye!

They say the only luck is the luck you make.

In the winter of '88, I was the luckiest man alive.

I had it all-- fame, fortune and my own parking space...

at Harrisburg's trendiest bistro.

I would have done anything to keep it all.

And, unfortunately, I did.

Jack, how are ya? Good morning, Mr. Richards.

Did you get a haircut? Oh, yes.

Yeah, it looks good. Don't get too good-looking. I'll be out of a job.

: Oh, how about this winter weather, eh?

Farmer's Almanac sure didn't get it right this year.

"Caterpillar in June, cold winter soon." That's what they said.

Well, amateurs, jack. Hillbilly folklore, that's all it is.

You should write your own almanac, Mr. Richards.

Something people could believe in.

Maybe one day I will, Jack. Maybe one day I will.

Enjoy your breakfast. Good morning.

Wendy, how are you? Just fine.

Yeah. How's the cold? Oh, it's just allergies, I think.

Really? Oh, not allergic to me, are you?

No. ( laughs ) I don't think so.

You're so bad. Guilty as charged.

I'll be right back with your cantaloupe and egg whites.

Okay. You pick me a ripe one. Excuse me, Mr. Richards.

I'm sorry to bother you, but can I get a picture?

Well, sure. It's my son's birthday,

and he saw you walk in.

What's your name, Skipper? Sam.

Sam. Well, you're a big fella, Samarino.

How old are you today? Twenty-seven?

: I'm five.

Five? Well, how's the wife?

All right. Happy birthday.

Thanks for coming by. All right. Thank you.

Oh, you gotta love it. Wow.

You're Russ Richards, aren't you?

Last time I checked. Well, hello!

Hi. Here.

Let me guess. Mmm. It's a resume of some sort,

and you're looking for a job in broadcasting.

Yeah, just read it. Asshole.

You are Mr. Lucky today.

I found you the ripest melon in Harrisburg.

Live from Harrisburg and News Center Six.

Covering Harrisburg, York, Lancaster and Lebanon,

it's News at Five with Dan Shuff, Heidi Zimmer...

and Russ Richards with the weather.

This is News at Five.

Good evening. A Perry County teacher is behind bars tonight...

for allegedly locking an unruly student in a broom closet.

That story coming up.

But first, let's check in with the weather center...

to see if these beautiful spring-like temperatures will continue.

Russ? Yes, it's the middle of December,

and we still have more 60-degree weather heading our way.

Now don't panic, folks. You're not in the twilight zone.

( humming theme from Twilight Zone )

Now, on the downside, if the weather gets any nicer,

my Aunt Mildred could move back from Ft. Lauderdale.

Just kidding. A wonderful woman.

Anyhoo, I'll be back with a complete forecast a little later.

Take it, Dan.

Thanks, Russ. We'll check in with you later.

And now the fourth.

Eleven.

And the fifth number, please.

Hi, Russ. Thirty.

Hey, Dottie. How are you?

Oh, still struggling with the diet. Oh, yeah?

Don't get too thin. It's not good for you.

Eight.

And there you have it.

Tonight's Pennsylvania lottery number: 19, 47,

3, 11, 30, 8.

If you have it, come and get it.

If not, better luck next time. Back to you, Dan.

We gonna talk about this? There's nothing to talk about, cochise.

I told you no more loans. Penn Fed's down the street. This is not--

This is not--

This is not a loan, this is an advance. Stop acting like it's coming out of your pocket.

If you didn't piss your money away, you wouldn't need an advance.

Now what is it this week-- racquetball courts? Peewee golf?

Snowmobiles. You know it. I told you that.

Jesus Christ. It's exhausting with you.

Snowmobiles. How's business?

When this heat wave ends, I'm golden.

Well, you're the weatherman. End it.

Where the hell is he? Crystal!

How many times do I have to tell those guys about the cables?

I almost broke my fucking neck on live television!

Yeah.

Oh, sorry. I didn't realize you were in the middle of a meeting.

No, it's okay. It's okay. Calm down.

Calm down. You know--

Come with me. I have to leave, of course.

I talked to them about this thing. It's never gonna happen again.

All right? Just relax. It's not gonna happen again.

Hi, boss. Hello. How you doing, Bobby?

I can't do the Olive Garden tonight.

: My wife invited a few people over.

I've gotta eat at home. That's just great, Dick.

No, you know what? I am tired of this bullshit.

Hey, hey, hey. Easy. Come on.

Remember, we got that affiliates thing coming up.

Uh-huh. Six days in Hawaii.

Mm-hmm. Eating like pigs.

Christ, you got some body on you.

: Tell me something I don't know.

Do we have anything else to talk about? I think we're through here.

Unless you want to torture me about the fucking weather chopper.

Like that was a bad idea. Weather chopper?

Come on, I'm a weatherman. You know what the truth is?

I feel bad for you, Dick. I do.

Because one day you're gonna wake up, and you're gonna realize...

that you had a diamond in the palm of your hand and you let it slip away.

To where, Atlantic city?

Oh, that's what this is about. To be a big game show host.

That's right. I hear everything.

I'm like a satellite in outer space. Did you get your audition?

My agent is all over it. Right.

Mace Kornberg, please.

Yes, this is Russ Richards. Mm-hmm.

You know, this is getting a little ridiculous.

I've already left, like, five messages.

All right, your boss, Mace Kornberg, saw me on TV, okay?

He loved me, okay? He wants to represent me.

We-- we sat at my personal booth at Denny's...

for over an hour, and I told him all about myself.

And now for some reason, he's not returning my phone calls.

Well, what part of that was too long?

Well, just-- just tell him that Russ Richards called, okay? Thank you.

What's happening? Still not there?

Nah, but, you know, the whole agency is out for the week.

A retreat or something. What's a retreat?

Oh, I'm not sure, but I think it's a religious thing.

Hey, I got some great news for you. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, remember I told you about my brother's car, the one that was in a wreck?

For the sake of expediency, I am going to say yes.

Well, he's finally ready to sell it.

It's all pounded out, repainted, and ready to go.

Beautiful lime-green finish. Looks just like a popsicle.

Now, Larry, is there some reason that I should know this?

Well, just if you decide the Jag is too much of an extravagance, you know.

I'm not selling the Jag.

I'd sell my body parts to South America before I'd sell that Jag.

Okay. You're the boss.

Yeah, I am the boss. And here's another news flash for you.

I'm not losing the house either.

You know what you laymen fail to realize?

It's not about the snowmobiles. Come on.

It's about the weather, okay?

One cold front, a little moist air, and bam!

Yeah, I'm Rockefeller. I'm on Broadway. I'm doing the cha-cha-cha.

Yeah!

: Oh, God!

Oh, whip me forever! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Boy, whew! That is always such a treat.

Oh, with Dick, it's like having sex with a sloth.

Don't put that image in my head.

Here. Try this just one time.

No. Yeah, it'll help you relax.

No! I don't even want a contact high. It makes me nauseous.

You shouldn't even be smoking it. You're the lotto girl.

You practically work for the state. Put it out.

Okay, I'm putting it out.

I have a question to ask you. Yeah?

If you had an agent, and you tried to get him for two weeks,

you tried eight times and he didn't return your call, what would you think?

Um-- Huh?

I can't relate. I've never had a guy not call me back.

Oh! I just don't get it.

When I met-- I met this guy, he was-- he was gushing.

He wanted to do this for me, he wanted to do that.

I've had my ass kissed, but this was really special.

So, he is officially your agent, right? It's not like you just had that one meeting.

It's splitting hairs here, you know.

I mean, it was clear he wanted to sign me.

You know what he said to me?

He said that I delivered the weather forecast with a Shakespearean flair.

: Was he drunk?

No, he wasn't drunk. What's wrong with you?

Look. If the guy's not returning your calls, then fire his ass.

Just hire someone else. What's the biggie?

Do you know who Mace Kornberg is? Uh-uh.

Do you have any idea of the pedigree of this man? No.

Here's a little primer for you.

He only handled Gene Rayburn at the height of the Match Game.

That's all.

Wow. All right, so he is kind of a big shot.

Yeah, congratulations. You just won the Cutlass.

I wouldn't be caught dead driving a Cutlass, thank you. I'll trade it in.

Well, how about door number two?

Old reliable.