House of Lies

Previously, on House of Lies...

I want to buy you, Marty.

- We pay you to walk the fuck away. - Go fuck yourself.

Funny running into you outside the dungeon.

- I know. - Uh, the, wha-huh?

Doug and I play in a weekly

- Dungeons & Dragons game. - Right.

You think you might consider maybe going out with me?

- Who the fuck are you?! - Whoo!

Wait a minute! Wait!

I see you're getting acquainted with my friend, huh?

Hey, Pop, I got to catch a plane, okay?

Can you take Roscoe to school for me?

Well, maybe if you spent

a little less time on that driving range...

All right, I'll take him.

I think it's good

that you're getting all this practice in, Marty.

Can't have you looking like

a duffer if we ever get out there.

I think someone's angling for an invite to your private club.

- You think? - Oh, no, no, no.

I'm a woman of the people.

I play on the public course.

But I'll make an exception.

Uh, wait... Do they allow black people at your club?

That is so funny.

Hey! Look at Roscoe on fleek!

I'm launching my own vlog.

You know, me in fresh 'fits

- commenting on trends, you know? - Uh-huh.

Well, how's that fresh job hunt going?

You know you still got to get one of those

for after school, right?

Dad, I've been pounding the pavement... nobody's hiring.

All these businesses are concerned

about the slow rate of economic growth.

That's bullshit.

Hey, Pop, isn't this usually the time when you...

All right.

I really don't have time for this, okay?

Just talk to him.

What's up, my sexy bitches!

Roscoe Kaan here. I'm in the Kaan loft.

Today we talk about suit jackets and pins.

What?

Uh, don't be pissed.

I was trying to find a pen when I found your bucket list...

and read every word of it.

What?

Oh, my God.

Tess, how could you?

Doug, I actually think this is great.

You are a confident, ambitious person

who knows what he wants and sets very tangible goals.

- Well, yes, obviously. - I mean, you knew

that you wanted to go through the car wash

- with the windows open... - Who wouldn't?

And act in an episode of Bones.

Okay, when I wrote the list, it was

- the height of Bones. - Okay, no, no, no, I...

- Doug, I really do think... - Then they did this whole

- this is great. - London season...

Okay, "Send a message in a bottle."

- Oh, I keep putting that off. - Okay, "Witness a miracle."

Oh, I've done that one.

"Watch the movie The Bucket List."

- I got halfway through it. - Okay.

I'll tell you what, how about I help you

cross a few things off the list.

"Receive oral sex in a revolving restaurant."

I could be on board with that.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

I can also totally get you a TED Talk.

Wait, you can get me a TED Talk?

Thought the first thing

would at least be equally as exciting.

But yeah, the executive curator,

she's my friend.

Well, let's call her.

That's amazing. Let's...

go for it.

Do you remember when we were doing that

- economics problem set together? - Of course.

I got really frustrated and I shouted, "Fuck me blind!"

And then out of nowhere, Ken pops his head

out of some other room and is like,

"Get me a blindfold!"

Yes. Yes.

Lot of confidence for a bald 19-year-old.

Listen, I'm really happy you called.

- Yeah? - I don't know if you know,

but I kind of had... a little thing for you

back in the day.

That's not why you called.

Well, I mean, do a lot of girls

ask you out to a romantic breakfast?

So, what's up? What's, so, what's going on?

I'm working as campaign manager for Seth Buckley's mayoral run.

He's unhappy with the economic advice he's getting.

There's a meet-and-greet fund-raiser with the candidate

- on Thursday. - Ah, Thursday I can't do it.

I'm all packed up.

Look, before, I wasn't meaning to...

Not even a thing. Don't even worry about it.

Shit. You know what? I've got to run.

But Thursday, you should definitely come.

There's gonna be free food, free wine...

I mean, I'll be there.

Come on, it'll be fun.

Sorry. Sorry about that.

There was a miscommunication with the nanny.

There are lots of miscommunications

with my nanny.

Okay.

I have about five minutes, so...

So let's see the house.

Your daughter's beautiful, by the way.

Thank you.

We're thinking of adopting a black baby, too.

- Where's yours from? - My vagina.

Well, his board's pressuring him

to embrace the digitalization trend

overtaking the auction world.

Mm, but Daniel Hathaway thinks the Internet is tawdry

and commonplace.

Thank God he has high-class friends like us who get him.

Mm-hmm. Bend to the popular whims

of your less evolved cohorts.

Daniel, no, dear boy, perish the thought!

You simply must triple down on you, dear boy.

We insist. You must purchase huge lots

and conspicuous pieces.

Uh, buy out student art shows

and create new stars...

Ugh! Sorry, I don't have an ear for accents.

And while this exceptionally risky strategy

puts Hathaway's auction house and personal fortune

- in great jeopard. - Mm.

We will sleep easy at night

knowing that at the very least, we fucked over a dude

- who murdered his own wife. - Whoa.

Marty, I don't like what you're implying

- about our judicial system. - What do you mean?

Daniel Hathaway was acquitted, do you remember?

Mm. Their fights were epic,

and she stood to win a lot in that divorce,

but what reasonable person wouldn't conclude

she slept-walked off the balcony?

How amazing would it be to be so rich,

you could get away with killing your wife?

You know what I meant.

- Tell us what you meant exactly. - No, I think we know what you mean.

Just like to make it look like an accident.

- Okay, we got it, we got it, we got it. - In any case,

kiddies, kiddies, kiddies, Hathaway's has a market cap

of three billion, so what do we say?

Oh, wow! That's the politician girl?

- Yeah. - Yeah, no way she's interested.

- Hold on. I can... - Nope. I'm gonna seek other counsel.

- Okay. - We don't need you to do that at all.

Marty, do we have business out of town

on the 18th of next month?

I don't know.

Just have a thing back in L.A. that night, you know?

Yeah, if we have a road game that means

I'm gonna have to fly back in the middle of it.

It's annoying.

Yeah, I'll check with your assistant.

It's fine.

Unless you want to deal with it personally, I mean...

You know what? You know...

If I ask you what the thing is, will you just shut up

and let me finish answering this e-mail?

You were answering an e-mail, right then, when I was talking?

Oh, forget it.

- I'm sorry, no. - Okay.

It can wait. It's not important.

Good, good.

Do you know what a TED Talk is?

Does that ring a bell?

They've asked me to give a TED Talk, so you know...

No big deal. Who cares?

Sorry, hey. I'm sorry, Marty.

Let me jump in there real quick.

Doug, did you just say you're gonna give a TED Talk?

Oh, yeah, you heard that? Yeah, yeah.

It's called "Be the Dungeon Master of Your Own Destiny."

And you're giving it?

Yeah, should be pretty enlightening, hmm.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you...

Redfin has it as 1.8.

I know Venice Beach is desirable.

That's why I want to move there.

I-I can go up to three, okay?

Okay.

Venice Beach?

Oh, surprise!

Not a surprise.

We knew you were competing for the Hathaway's job.