The King of Queens

Are you guys thirsty? Yes, you are.

Would you like some nice cold water?

Yes, you would. Yes, you would.

Has the pecking order of the pack changed?

I usually get my water first.

Oh, I-I'm sorry.

Hey, Hol. Hey, Arthur. How was your walk?

Well, the first half hour was pretty smooth,

and then came the squirrel.

Hoo boy!

Here you go.

Um, Doug, do you have a second

to talk about something?

I guess that chicken carcass ain't going anywhere.

What's up?

Um, well, it's my car.

The transmission's shot,

and now it only goes in reverse, which is...

sort of terrifying when you're driving it,

and, um, I was wondering

if I can get an advance on my money

for walking Arthur.

Uh, how much?

Like say $700 worth?

$700?

I gotta be honest, Hol.

I don't think he's got $700 worth of walks left in him.

Oh, I think he does, and...

well, if it turns out he doesn't,

then we can certainly talk about some sort of refund.

You comfortable putting that in writing?

Why don't you put this in writing?

Carrie: Doug, you home?

Yeah, I'm in here.

Well, think about it. I mean, let me know as soon as you can,

'cause if I get pulled over again,

I'm gonna have to sleep with the cop.

Bye, Carrie.

Oh, bye, Holly.

Honey, I have some very exciting news.

You bought me my monkey.

OK, hon, you really gotta let go of that dream.

What's up? All right,

well, my firm has this giant civil case,

and Mr. Kaplan put me in charge

of getting all the documents and depositions

organized and ready for court.

Well, it's exciting, but...

it's not monkey exciting.

No, but it's big for me 'cause I'm gonna be the boss.

I'm gonna be supervising a whole staff of people.

I'm happy. That's great, sweetie.

Thank you. Congrats.

Except there is one little not so great thing about it.

Uh, Mr. Kaplan doesn't want to disrupt the office.

So we're gonna kinda be workin' late.

What do you mean?

Oh, from, uh...

8 p.m. to 6:00 in the morning.

What? Carrie, that's all night.

Look, I know, honey, but it's only for a couple of weeks.

But, Carrie, by the time I get home, you'll already be gone.

I'll never see you.

I know. It's going to be tough on the both of us,

but I really want to do this,

so can't you find a way to get through it?

Can I get a blow-up doll?

Sure, you can.

Hey, you can, uh...

put her in my clothes, make her look just like me, huh?

Yeah, that's where I was headed.

Carrie: Hello, everyone.

Hi. Let's gather around and introduce ourselves.

I am Carrie Heffernan, and I will be the project supervisor.

Just want you guys to know that my door's always open.

Of course, that's what happens when you don't have a door.

Good stuff. OK, um...

why don't we talk a little bit about ourselves

and what we hope to accomplish with this project.

Um, George Barksdale?

Present.

And what brings you to us?

Well, the firm is trying to force me to retire,

so they stuck me here to break my will...

but it ain't gonna work.

I hear that.

OK, Priscilla Stasna.

That's you, I hope.

Yes?

And what do you hope to achieve with this work experience?

Well, I'm in a pretty abusive relationship right now, and...

I just want to be somewhere safe at night.

Mmm, OK.

Great.

Uh, Neal Morrensy.

Yes?

Anything you'd like to say?

I was told I would be in charge.

OK.

Announcer: Maddux rocks and deals...

Oh! And Piazza got ahold of that one,

and if it stays fair, this could be the ball game...

and it's out of here!

Yeah! Yes! Final score: Mets 9, Braves 8.

Ho, ho, it does not get better than this.

No, it do not.

Good night, New York Mets.

Good night, George Foreman grill.

Good night, not brushing my teeth.

OK. You fall asleep now,

you still got a nice 5 hours.

That's plenty. Just fall asleep now.

I couldn't be wider awake.

I don't know. Maybe I should...

try that counting sheep thing.

Yeah, that's what I'll do, OK.

I got a nice meadow, got my fence up.

Let the sheep start jumping.

One sheep.

2 sheep.

Sheep are cute.

The paper chute keeps jamming.

Oh, well, George,

that's because you might be trying to put in

a wee too many papers in here all at once,

and you kinda got 'em going

in all different directions.

And is this the part where I'm supposed to say, "I quit"?

Well, you go back and tell them mucky-mucks

that George Barksdale didn't take the bait.

No. No, no, George. You're doing a great job.

I just think you might be more helpful

taking over sorting out the files for Priscilla,

and, Priscilla, I'm gonna take you off the files

and put you on the copier.

What?

Why? I'm working as fast as I can.

No, no, Priscilla.

It has nothing to do with you, OK?

It's George.

What about me? Nothing, George.

Nothing.

Once again, great job.

Great job.

I couldn't take over George's job.

He's become like a father to me.

OK, OK, how about this?

Uh, Priscilla, you take over for Neal.

George will do the files,

and, Neal, I'm gonna have you make the copies.

Make the copies?

All right. That degree in marketing's really paying off.

Neal, I just need you to do this for...

Look, I've made my peace with the fact that I'm not in charge,

but for God sakes, don't make me crawl through the mud.

I'm not trying to make you crawl through the mud.

I am just trying to figure out

the best way to get this job done.

Oh, so now you're yelling at me?

Relax! Relax!

Thank you. OK, all right, how about this?

Everybody just keep doing what you were doing.

Fine. Thank you.

Well, that's 5 minutes of my life I won't get back.

You heading out to work?

Yeah. I really gotta get going.

No, you don't

'cause you missy are taking a sick day

or, actually, in your case, more of a sick night.

See what I did there?

I got the whole evening planned.

We're gonna cuddle up in bed.

We're gonna watch TV

until we just drift off to sleep.

I didn't know where your meal clock was right now.

So I made you oatmeal...

and a salad.

Honey, that is so sweet...

and a little nauseating,

but I really gotta go.

Come on. It's one night.

Look, I gotta be there.

Carrie, you're the boss. That's the whole point of being the boss...

So you can screw off.

If I was the boss, I'd never go to work.

Not one time. Not ever.

Well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Look, come on!

Honey, look, you don't understand.

The people working for me are useless.

You know that guy who hangs out in front of Arby's

with the foil helmet?

I would kill for him right now.

But I need you. I can't sleep without you.

Got like 2 hours in the last 5 nights.

You're gonna be fine. Come here.

Oh, no.

You ain't getting any of this.

Candy shop closed.

All right. Good-bye.