Members Club

You're the man, Geoff.

You're the man.

Yes.

Do you mind turning that doll round, darling?

It's putting me off my stroke.

Okay, ladies.

Loosen up them bras.

And lay down that top pulling.

And please, put your hands together...

for...

Wet Dreams!

We've been Wet Dreams.

Happy birthday.

I enjoyed that.

I quite like a day time gig.

To be fair, we probably should have stopped after the first dance.

Lovely cake, though.

Alright, now listen, before you have a pop at me, I've got dyslexia, all right?

I thought it said it was a 21st on the ad.

Which 21st birthday party do you know?

Just starts at one in the afternoon and serves jelly and fucking ice cream.

Yeah, better than last month's wake, though.

I thought that one was all right, actually.

Only because you managed to cop off with a widow.

What can I say?

I'm like a mature, grieving lady.

Extra mature.

She was 85.

Hold up a minute, this is a bit light, innit?

Yeah, correct.

Look, I'm paying you out my own pocket, all right.

Lily's mum says she wants us off the premises

in 10, otherwise she's gonna call the police.

Charlene's gonna hit the roof.

The only thing Charlene's hitting, Neil, is your cousin's cock.

No. No, actually, we are back together.

She's coming round tonight.

She's gonna bring a special sexy friend.

- Yeah, your cousin. - Yeah.

Come on, lads, quick as you like, before we end up on a register.

Alright, I'll see you all the next one, yeah?

Uh, yeah, listen, about that.

I didn't want to do this today, but um...

I'm selling the company.

What?

I told you.

Let's face it, lads. It's time to call it a day.

Back to selling houses full time for me then.

Look, the diary is empty.

You boys aren't getting any younger.

It's not the 90s anymore.

Look, I think I speak for all of us when I say we ain't ready to quit yet.

Are we boys?

Yeah, well, nip round the office on Wednesday and I'll

sort yours out with some severance pay, yeah?

Vodka jelly!

What?

That's what they have at 21st birthday parties.

I had one.

You got a problem, son?

It's a real medical condition, all right?

Not exactly the Kebab Factory days, is it?

You know, it's still the worst name you've ever come up with for a stripper-gram?

You're kidding, then?

Should we be the most popular stripper duo in Zanty for three seasons?

The shows, the girls, the drugs.

Life can't get any better than that.

Ah, the good old days, eh?

Listen, I want to buy the company.

With what?

Well, I'm a bit short at the moment, but I thought once I get some gigs...

Did you not hear me in there, Al?

There ain't any gigs.

Plus, what do you know about running a company?

It can't be that hard, can it?

Come on, what'd you say?

Yeah, all right.

You want it, it's yours.

Really?

Company phone, keys to the van.

And they both need topping up.

Anything you get, I want 20% and if you haven't got anything

by the end of the week, I'm selling it to Jeff the Crab.

End of the week, how am I going to do that?

Well, you better get your business balls in gear, eh?

I mean, it can't be that hard, can it?

Evening ladies, welcome to another evening of pensioner passion.

I'll be your host, Brigadier, Big Rich.

If you want to get in touch, you know the number.

Whether you want to talk dirty, you'll just slag off your foreign neighbors.

I'm here to 6 a.m., so take those teeth out and let's party.

There we are.

Well's cleanest flat, mate.

Oh, sorry, mate.

I didn't realise you were working from home tonight.

Do you have the monthly?

I'll tell him to keep his voice down.

That's all right, cheers.

Can you close the door, please.

Oi! Shut the fuck up!

My boy's workin' in in there?

Can we head off soon?

I can't say I'm loving this flat.

Dad?

Daisy.

You...

living here?

We're leaving.

Just stay out of Daisy's life, okay?

She doesn't want anything to do with you!

Alright, Trish.

Maybe slow down on the xanax bars, yeah?

I'm so sorry.

Baby, wait!

- I ain't heard from you in a while. - I'm fine, just been busy.

I like your new heavy metal look. It's very black.

I thought you might give your old man a call.

Yeah, well, I haven't.

Oi, stripper man. Show us your winkle.

Come on, Trish, home time.

I'm so tired.

Oh, just leave her.

She was back on the beers in no time.

That's great advice. Thanks, Dad.

How's college going?

Other than not been able to pay third year?

Yeah. It's going great.

You should have called me.

I could help.

I just started this new venture.

Actually, what acts do you get down the old student bar?

- Daisy? - Yeah?

I think I've shit my pants again.

Okay.

Let's get you home, shall we?

Okay.

Just go, Dad.

I mean, that's what you're good at, right?

Leavin' when the shit hits the fan.

Come on.

Hello?

I mean, Wet Dreams, fulfilling fantasies since '94.

Hmm...

Right.

Amazing, George, you've made the right choice.

Yeah, a lot of competition, you've got in there.

Yes, I know.

You'll enjoy the property for many, many years, I'm sure.

Come and pick up the keys.

Nice by my friend.

Bye, bye, bye, bye.

Absolutely riddled with asbestos.

I've got some news that's going to blow your cocks off.

How does this...

641, can you confirm you're making the 10:45am drop off the Downing Road?

Over.

How does this...

...you lazy bastard.

Are you doing it or what?

Over.

633.

Sandra, can Fat Neck Gomb not take that?

I'm a bit busy, over.

Who you callin' Fat Neck? You chubby prick!

Shall I come back later?

Hempie, this Friday, at in Essex, one dance, 800 quid.

Well, that ain't gonna go far.

Each.

Each?

Now we're talking.

Oh, top man, Al.

You've checked they're adult?

No, the best part is, free booze, buffet and cash in hand on the night.

Oh, well, we're gonna go out.

We might as well go out with a bang, hey.

Let's do it lot, yeah?

Right, lads, shave your backs, clean your teeth,

and I see you at six at the office on Friday.

Take this receipt.

I'll have that 20% for you on the night, yeah?

How'd you get this gig, Al?

- Have you been over the contract? - Yeah, it's fine.

Look, there's nothing to worry about, it's all sorted.

- How are you getting there? - Well, apart from that.

- No, we need a driver. - Yeah, so now you come crawling back.

Oh, come on, mate, don't be like that.

This gig's gotta be a banger.

Like the good old days.

It won't be the same if you're not there.

Kebab Factory for life, eh?

- I'll chuck you another 50 quid. - All right, I'm in.

Lovely stuff.

Alright darling, it's me.

I'm just calling to say I've had a job coming.

It pays pretty well.

And I want to help with your college stuff.

Give me a call back, all right?

Love ya.

It's your dad, Alan, by the way.

I ain't going in there.