Frasier

It occurred to me I think we should try to keep this quiet from Daphne.

- Keep what quiet? - We got married.

Daphne, are you saying that you have feelings for Niles?

I think I do.

You can't tell Niles all this. He says he's happy with Mel.

She says she's happy with Donny.

But I'm not sure I believe either one of them.

Just remember, Fras, there are two marriages on the line here.

I'll get a divorce

- and you can call off the wedding. - I can't.

Donny is a dear and wonderful man, and I made a promise to him.

I'm sorry. My mind's made up.

Hello. I was wondering if you might be free for a date.

My God, yes.

There's plenty of time for that later.

Let's get this bloody boat moving.

What--?

- I can't believe this. - Neither can I.

- What made you change your mind? - My little niece Audrey, the flower girl.

She looked up and me and said:

"You're the saddest bride I've ever seen."

I figured who was I kidding if I couldn't fool a 4-year-old with an eye patch.

Remind me to give her a car for her preschool graduation.

The next thing I knew I was climbing out of the window of the loo.

You mean you didn't tell Donny?

I didn't tell anyone.

Can't you get this thing moving any faster?

Well, I would, but we have to watch out for speed... bumps.

I've never done anything this crazy.

Are you nervous?

Only that I'm gonna wake up.

Don't answer it.

It's probably your brother wondering if you've seen me.

Maybe it's Mel wondering why

it's taken me half an hour to put on insect repellent.

Good.

Here we are.

The end of the driveway.

Which way shall we go?

Well, to the right is Seattle and to the left, I guess, is Canada.

- Any thoughts? - What's left for us in Seattle?

Ex-wives and ex-fiancé,

a tangled mess of bitterness and hurt feelings.

Yes, but an excellent symphony and world-class dining.

Then there's Canada, a fresh start. A chance for adventure.

Grizzly bears.

I don't care. Just pick one. Let's go.

- Maybe we should-- - No. We can't think about that.

I've just ran out on my wedding. I can't go back.

I need you to be strong.

For you, I have the strength of Hercules.

I love you.

And I love you.

They're not going away, are they?

If you wanna keep going, I'll go.

No.

We better go back and face the music.

We should make things right.

Okay.

All right, all right. We're on our way back.

Excuse me?

No, there is no Wendell Fong here.

This is gonna be frigging awful.

Well, maybe.

Maybe not.

Sometimes you build these things up in your mind

and they turn out not half as bad as you thought.

That being said, I guess there's no easy way to tell you this.

I'm in love with Niles and I can't marry you.

Donny, are you all right?

Donny!

Mel, did you hear what I just said?

Say something. Anything.

Wow.

Wow.

Anyone try those little crab cakes?

- What? They were good. All right, Dad.

We've just had front-row seats

for what is arguably the most disastrous wedding in history.

We can't just ignore it with a lot of inane chitchat.

Did you try that mustard dip that went with them?

- It was good. - Niles.

Frankly, I'd prefer a little inane chitchat

to talking about what actually happened back there.

Poor Donny. I've never seen him so upset.

I just wish I'd broken the news to him in a carpeted room

instead of the rock garden.

I just can't help feeling that our happiness

has come at the expense of Mel and Donny.

Yeah, there was no easy way out of this.

You guys did the right thing coming back,

I'm proud of you both.

Thanks, Dad.

And thank you, Frasier.

As painful as it was back there, we owe you a debt of gratitude.

Daphne and I are here now because of you.

Please, Niles.

I didn't really do all that much.

Just a minor pluck of Cupid's bow.

Nonsense. You set this whole thing in motion.

Stop it. I'm blushing. Ha, ha, ha.

Just seeing you two kids together is thanks enough for me.

Although I wouldn't turn down a bottle of '82 Latour.

- He's not kidding. - I know.

Oh, look. Isn't that my Winnebago pulling out from the gas station?

I'd say so.

Dad, I'm amazed you'd let Simon drive that thing.

Oh, it'll be fine. I gave him a lecture about drinking and driving.

He did understand you were discouraging it?

Of course.

Uh-oh.

I just hope he gets my family to the airport on time.

I wouldn't want them to miss their plane, if you get my drift.

Yeah, it's them, all right. It's all your brothers waving from the back.

Hello. - Hey, how you doing?

- Hello. - See you.

- Oh, well, that's very nice. - Ohh...

Living up to the Moon family name, I see.

Did Simon get you home all right

after dropping my family at the airport?

Oh, yeah. He entertained the whole neighborhood

trying to parallel park the Winnebago.

The highlight was when he flattened a whole row of newspaper racks.

How many did he get? My record's five.

I suppose he followed that up with some sort of clumsy advance.

Oh, he tried, but I told him to get lost. Then he hit on my babysitter.

She showed him why she's the star of her JV soccer team.

You know, Mum claims he was dropped as a child.

I think he was thrown.

I can't thank you enough for helping me return these wedding gifts.

I've been dreading it.

Just reminds me of how many people I've disappointed.

Daph, you really outdid yourself on these corn muffins today.

They're light, moist, corny.

He's just being so sweet to me because of all of this.

No, I mean it. They're delicious.

He hates them. Watch this.

You know, if you finish those off, I'll make another batch.

I'll fill the freezer. We can have them with every meal.

All right, all right, I give.

I was just trying to do something nice around here.

Now, that's the last of it. Look sharp, Daphne.

Simon, you idiot.

Oh, don't get your knickers in a twist. I already dropped it in the elevator.

I think you've helped enough for one day.

- Simon, how about a little breakfast? - Oh, no, thanks, Martin.

I've already had a lovely, crispy, golden waffle

and a foamy cappuccino down in the Winnebago.

What? The Winnebago?

That doesn't have a waffle iron or a cappuccino maker.

Wait, these gifts look like they've been unwrapped and then wrapped again.

- Simon. - Know what that is, Daphne?

That's a bread maker.

Which you did not register for.

Some people are so bloody thoughtless.

That's stealing. These gifts are going back.

Never. Returning used merchandise is unethical.

And I, for one, would never be party to it.

So...

Returning wedding presents, I take it.

That's one problem Mel and I avoided by eloping.

No presents to return when, uh...

When you shag someone else's wife?

Simon.

- Would you like some coffee? - I'd love some. Here, let me help.

Ooh. Dad, those look good. What are they?

- Doorstops. - Thank you.

- How did you sleep last night? - I didn't.

- How about you? - Not a wink.

Um, you know, as pleasant as it was

riding up and down that driveway yesterday,

I think it hardly qualifies as a date,

so I have a surprise for you.

I made reservations for tonight at Au Pied de Cochon.

Then after, we're going dancing at the Starlight Room.

It'll be our first official date. You free?

This is awfully short notice. Can I get back to you?

Yeah, of course.

Of course, I'm free, you silly sausage.

- Well-- - It sounds wonderful.

Um, Daphne-- Uh--

-About us.

I think we shouldn't rush into anything,

like living together or even physical relations,

until I have the situation resolved with Mel.

Do you have any thoughts about that?

I'm so relieved.

I feel exactly the same way.

We need to get to know each other in this whole new light first.

- We're completely simpatico. - Yes.

Although, you know, in some respects,

we're much further ahead than most couples.

I already know how you take your coffee.

Cream. One sugar.

And two lips.

Good morning.

Mmm. Good morning. No, I don't see anything in your eye.

For God's sake.

I've got news for you, the cat is out of the bag.

Well, I'm sorry.