Broad City

Oh, I guarantee I can identify my own butthole in a line up. 100%.

- Even if it's just a close up line up of buttholes? - Yeah.

- No way, dude. Come on. - Completely, I can identify yours.

Each one has a soul, an ass soul.

Hey, mamis, where you going? A bra store?

I bet you got those big boobies to feed all your babies.

Excuse me?

You can't talk to us like that.

Yeah, we're your elders.

How did he know we were going to the bra store?

Why don't you come over here and let me touch 'em.

Jesus.

The only way that you're gonna get to touch these boobs

is if they graze the top of your head

as I'm slam dunking your skinny ass!

Whoa! Whoa!

So you wanna ball? Let's go.

Ooh.

No.

Aah!

Ooh!

Tell your mom you got schooled by two women.

Aw, yeah, bitches!

And reminder, I'll be by later to fuck the shit out of her.

What?

Oh, what about this, huh?

Oh... kay.

- No, no, no, no, no. - Oh, no, no, no, no!

Hello? Good morning, everyone.

We open in five minutes.

This month's churron flavor is anise,

but there is a limit to three churrons per customer,

so please maintain decorum.

Thank you.

You know, I'm not even a huge macaroon girl,

and churros are just, like, you know, hit or miss for me,

but the combination of...

Too early.

I'm being nice.

Okay.

Your total is 28.45.

Here's my co-op card.

Ooh. It looks like you haven't completed any of your work hours.

Just throw 'em on my tab. I'm gonna knock 'em all out at once.

Okay, well, today's actually the last possible day

you can complete your shifts for this moon cycle.

Um, I really can't today.

Could I speak to the manager? I'm sure I could work something out.

Um... sure.

Just, um... one second.

Hi.

We have a slight, um, issue.

Yeah?

Hi... Lori.

I haven't worked any of my hours.

And I have a really intense doctor's appointment in Long Island.

There's something more important in Long Island than organic produce?

For the privilege of membership,

you just have to work six hours, you cooperate.

I am feeling this.

But it just also happens to be the very last day

I can have this... procedure.

Well, either you complete your shifts today

or you're banished from the co-op for the rest of your body's life.

Your choice.

Ha ha! There she is.

Ugh, gorgeous, come on.

- Wow, how 'dat? - So worth it.

Ugh, love your leggings.

And your legs. And your butt.

- Thank you so much. - Really cute.

You just made my day. Do you want one of these churrons?

- Sure. - Thanks so much.

Later, line buddy.

That was sweet.

It's okay.

- I would have eaten that. - Okay, so down to biz. Business.

You know how I joined that food co-op a few months ago?

Uh, yeah, your meals have given me like the healthiest shits of my life.

It's like, dump out, flawless,

dump out, flawless.

So, I haven't worked any hours yet, and I need to do them today.

- Obviously, I would do them, but... - You're going to the doctor.

Oh, wowee, yeah, whoa, whoa...

Dude, I just said you're going to the doctor.

No, I can't think about it. Lifestyle.

Oh! Almost forgot.

- Oh, yes, Gaga. - Yes.

Oh, my God.

So obviously, the three of us can't lose my membership,

- so I need you to cover my shift. - I can cover for you.

But here da damn 'tang.

Not for me. As me.

Co-op members cannot share shifts, so technically you need to be me.

How's that gonna work?

Well, no one knows me there yet.

I... haven't worked any of my hours.

But I need you to make the right first impression

so that when I do work, no one will know the difference.

You know what, I would love to live a day in your shoes.

That sounds really fun and very easy.

Not literally in my shoes, 'cause I'm a size five and...

Yeah, I understand.

Okay. I'm gonna just end it there.

Squished 11!

More, more. More, more, more!

Yas, queen.

Yas, queen.

- Yas, queen! - Yas, queen!

Again! Yas, queen!

- Yas, queen. - I smell a duke!

Smell... smell a duke!

- Nice pussy boot! - Nice pussy boot!

I love you, Abbi!

I love you, Abbi!

Do it!

There you go, you're getting it!

There you go, you're getting it!

Aww, what up, my babies!

Mami Lani in the hizzy-lee!

Rape culture sucks!

Recognize!

Lincoln, hey, woo!

My Lincoln Towncar.

But this is a... A Prius, right?

Yeah, but I call it that because my name is Lincoln.

And I'm gonna drive around town in my car.

You okay?

Sorry. I'm so fucking nervous.

- Me too. - You are?

About something else.

I brought you some comfort food. Turkey jerky.

Organic fruit leather and some Tuscan nut mix.

I'm not really that hungry, though.

I never understand when people say that,

but I anticipated it.

That's why I had Jaimé make you a... ginger blunt man!

Oh, my God! With real honey!

While I thought an extraordinary blunt would probably do the trick,

I knew I had to take it to the next level.

Aww. That almost makes me feel kind of okay.

Okay, Ilana Wexler?

- Uh... kyuh. - Great.

Somebody groomed their dreadlocks in the bathroom.

You can get started by cleaning those hair stumps.

You know what, Martha?

It's Kristy.

Exactly.

I feel like you really get me.

And you know why? Because you're a "kween".

And you know who else is a kween?

She's a kween.

And we queens, we cannot be in the back of the bus,

cleaning up white dude's dreadlocks.

"Ja-feel"?

- Do you want another assignment? - Yas, yas, yas.

Okay, why don't you just go help out Craig with setting up the bulk bins?

Okay, Craig...

Wow.

I mean... kyuh.

Since when do you bite your nails?

I didn't even notice. I do it when I'm nervous.

You can't be nervous, you're my rock today.

Oh, God.

Ilana, what are you doing?

This is dangerous! Prisons are safe, but they're not that safe!

I need to be swaddled!

Come on, if you're not gonna swaddle me,

at least let me drive and give me road head.

Well, do you want to die and how does that even work?

Road hand, whatever.

Just quit the pillow talk and get me off!

I'm driving!

All I'm saying is that we are on the fast track to, like,

caramel and queerdom.

Huh?

Sexuality is on a spectrum.

It's like, we are just dancers in the dark,

we're just shards.

"Shweet" ink.

"Shweet" ink, brah!

Sweet tat.

Thanks, it's inspired by a Bukowski poem.

I actually drew it.

- You drew this? - Yeah.

I'm an artist.

I mean, not that I pay the bills with it.

That is amazing, me...

Me... me friend is an artist that does not pay the bills with it, either.

So I get that. Uh, her name is Abbi.

Oh, cool, what's she make?

Well, she's actually mostly an illustrator.

I can actually show you.

She sends it to me.

She has this new series called "Where Are They Now?"

And it's, like, popular toys and stuff from the '90s

doing, like, office jobs.

They're hilarious. I love it.

- Really? - Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, I knew you would.