The Fluffy Movie

I can't believe he did that.

Yeah. You know what, Carmen? I'm done. I'm done with this.

You know what?

This is the last time he pulls this on me,

'cause I'm not going through this anymore.

I deserve so much better, right?

You're absolutely right.

I have to meet him.

Esther. Esther.

What?

You're still married.

Consider these bruises a divorce.

Esther, I'm gonna need you to push.

What the... Is that a cigar?

It's not lit. It's just something I do for stress.

Hombre loco.

Why are you smoking a cigar, when you're supposed to be delivering a baby?

That's the kind of stress he's talking about, madam.

Have you been drinking?

If you want a sober white doctor in this town,

it's going to cost you a fortune.

Ain't that the truth?

Man, that is going to be a big baby.

I just hope I can pull him out before he pulls me in.

Is the father here?

Jesus!

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey!

Hey, sorry. I was just in the bathroom, man.

I just ate some spicy chimichangas.

- Oh. Okay. - Oh, man.

It just burned like you wouldn't believe.

I'm sure. Okay, I got to get to work.

- Yeah. - All right, Gabrielito, come on.

- Hurry up and pick a movie. - Okay, Mom.

Hey, hey, hey, where you going?

You got to have hair down there to go in there.

Huh?

I already have hair.

Where's your mom?

She's over there talking with some old man.

Some old man? Where's your dad?

I don't have a dad.

- Gabriel, hurry up. - Okay, Mom.

I can't let you rent this, kid. It's an R-rated movie.

Well, my mom said it's okay.

- Great. Ask her again. - Fine with me.

Hey, Mom, can I rent this?

Yes. Hijo, hurry up. We got to go.

Okay, thanks. Told you.

After your movie's over,

I want you to clean up and do your homework, okay?

- Okay, Mom. - All right.

And remember what we talked about.

I want you to think about what you want to be when you grow up.

- Okay? - Okay.

- For real. - For real.

All right. Give me a kiss.

- I love you. - Me, too.

- Have a good day. - You, too.

Fluffy, Fluffy, Fluffy!

Ladies and gentlemen,

give it up for Gabriel Iglesias!

Fluffy! Fluffy!

Fluffy! Fluffy!

- Bay Area... - Fluffy! Fluffy!

...I missed you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Section 215,

14, 13, 12,

11, 10,

nine, eight, seven,

six, five, four, three, two, and one.

They can hear you.

Oh, my God! I must look tiny up there?

Está chiquito. Está chiquito.

"He's so little, yeah."

Before I say anything else, you guys,

a big hand for Bay Area legend, Mr. Chuy Gomez!

The first man to ever put me on the radio in the Bay Area.

Thank you, Chuy.

And, of course, another big round of applause

for my friend, the man, the myth, the legend.

Give it up for Martin!

This is so cool how now you guys recognize him.

You see him, and you're like,

"That's him. That has to be Martin."

Seriously, with that crazy hair,

the tattoos, the goatee, you know exactly who it is.

Now in this building,

there was people freaking out over by the merchandise table.

I saw this girl lose it. She ran over to Martin, screaming.

And then started hugging him.

And then Martin looks at me. He's like, "Dude"

I'm like, "Hey, she's not pressing charges. Hug her back."

That's rare.

So then the girl turns around,

and she sees me, and she goes, "Hey!"

And then I was like, "Hey!"

And she was like, "Can you take our picture?"

"Yeah, all right.

"So that's what that feels like. Yeah, here we go."

I'm getting ready to snap the picture,

and she's hugging Martin, and she's like,

"I cannot wait to tell my friends that I met Machete."

I lost it. I was like, "Smile, 'Machete'!

"Smile, 'Machete'!"

He was so sad.

He was like, "Bro, she recognized me,

"but she thought I was someone else."

I said, "Hey, get over it. I was Operation Repo for three years, okay?

"Just be thankful you got recognized."

So let me tell you what's happened

since the last time we've been here in the Bay, you guys.

By the way, I hope you like our decorations here.

Oh, yeah.

Since the last time we've been here, a couple of things have changed,

one of which is I am officially down 100 pounds.

Yeah.

I know some of you here in the front are looking at me right now like,

"Well, how big were you?"

I know. "Hercules, Hercules."

Yeah...

Anyways, you guys, let me tell you what happened.

Basically I found our I was a little sick.

I was diagnosed about two years ago, type 2 diabetic.

Now, I maxed out at 445 pounds.

Yeah, that's way past fluffy, okay?

Let's be honest. That's not even, "Damn!"

445 pounds, that's borderline Discovery Channel fat.

That was like, "I couldn't leave the house." Yeah?

"He wants to go to the movies."

It was really bad, you guys,

and so I was waking up every morning with a 300-plus sugar level.

Now, anyone who knows anything about diabetes, that is super high.

And you do that enough times, and eventually...

"Clear."

It's so hard

To say goodbye

"They buried him in frosting.

"It was the sweetest funeral ever.

"Everyone got a cupcake. It was the shit. It was so nice."

Im at the doctor's office, you guys, and the doctor tells me.

He says, "Listen, Gabriel, you're 445 pounds.

"Your weight is out of control. "Your diabetes is out of control.

"You're 35 years old.

"You will not live another two years. I guarantee it."

And I got very emotional, you know, I was like, "Are you serious?"

He goes, "Two years tops."

And I was like, "But I just started making money."

"Well, it's going to be a nice funeral."

I was like, "What an ass."

So it took a lot for me to finally start doing something about it,

'cause it's not like this is the first time I tried to lose weight.

This has been happening for a long time,

but somebody tells you you're gonna die, you actually wake up.

So what it took was it took the support of my friends, my family,

and, you know, especially I got to give credit where credit is due.

Martin, you guys, helped me out so much,

because he's always encouraging me to go to the gym.

"Let's go work out, bro.

"Let's go do something."

And more importantly than, "Let's go work out, " is,

you know, we're on the road together 46 weeks out of the year,

so we eat together a lot, and he's always watching what I eat,

and if he sees me reaching for something

I shouldn't mess with, he checks me.

Especially breakfast. That's my favorite meal.

I love breakfast.

And they always put us at these nice hotels,

where they give us this continental breakfast

with the buffet, and, you know,

if I'm eating eggs and bacon and sausage, that's fine.

Yes, some of it's fattening, but guess what.

No sugar.

If Martin sees me reaching for muffins or waffles, he makes a scene.

He waits for me to get about 15 feet away,

and he starts yelling

in front of all the people at the restaurant.

Oh, yeah. He's still ghetto.

I don't care if it's a Ritz-Carlton. Guess what? "Machete" is here.

He starts yelling.

He waits for me to get 15 feet away, and then he starts.

"Really, bro?

"You're going to put that in your mouth, Fluffy?

"You know what that's going to do to your body?

"Hey! Have some self-respect."

And he makes me cry at breakfast.

I'm sad. I'm like, "I don't want the muffin.

"I don't want it. I don't want the muffin.

"I'm not a little whore. I'm not.

"I'm not a little whore."

But, see, that is a real friend

who would check me and remind me,

"Hey, bro, get mad at me all you want. I just want you to live."

And I got to respect that.

That's why I love that dude, you know,