Columbo

For those of you who read my new book, "The Courtesan Complex, "

and I hope you do, even if you have to get it from the library,

you'll find a big, fat chapter called...

"Sexual Fantasies and Fantastic Sex."

Patients I work with here...

at the Allenby Clinic,

listeners who write to us, people I meet around the country,

everyone thinks that his sexual fantasies,

or her sexual fantasies,

are unique and personal and perhaps even a little shameful.

We get a lot of call-ins about that.

And the fact is,

that those fantasies are as common...

and as healthy as rain.

The big secret is everybody's got 'em.

For women, one of the most common fantasies is that of being a courtesan.

A highly desired, incredibly beautiful prostitute,

bestowing her favors on her chosen lover.

In the few moments I have left, I wanna make the point,

that everybody dreams the same sexy dream.

So don't be shy about including it in your love games.

As long as they're just games, I give you my permission.

The book, again, is "The Courtesan Complex,"

and until next time, this is Dr. Joan Allenby,

suggesting that a rich sexual fantasy life...

is as important to good sex as choosing the right lover.

Bye-bye for now.

- Well, now. - Well, now.

Why did you ever leave me?

I give you three seconds to run into my arms.

Male domination.

One.

I hate your business trips.

Two.

I hate my business trips.

Three.

Oh, boy.

When do we really get serious about this?

Tonight in Chicago.

Mmm-mmm. Can't go with you.

No, David, you promised.

I promised you your own television show,

and the deal makes here, tomorrow, LA.

What's more important anyway, happiness or money?

The Dr. Allenby Clinic.

- Good afternoon. - I loathe those damn radio conventions.

The good old syndication boys.

Can't your meeting wait another day?

No. So you'll have to carry the flag in Chicago.

I hate it. Come with me.

Not a prayer.

She's crazy about him. I haven't got a chance.

Madge, did you call a car for Dr. Allenby?

Limo's waiting downstairs.

He may not be so crazy about her.

There may be hope yet, Doctor.

Joanie, believe me, one day in Chicago will do it.

You'll dazzle the buyers and head for the hills.

Uh-huh. You know what "fat chance" means?

Yeah?

Joan, I've done a new paper for the journal.

"Narcissism and Frigidity." You might take a look at it on the plane.

I will if I get time. Simon, did you enjoy my broadcast?

What makes you think I listened to it, Doctor?

If I hated a program as much as you hate mine,

I'd probably listen out of sheer malicious spite.

Cheap, shoddy commercialization.

Actually, Simon, there's nothing cheap about it.

Joan, you need to get a move on.

Plane tickets, itinerary.

- Limo will meet you at O'Hare. - Yep.

Hotel reservations, and Agatha Christie.

If nothing else, she'll help you sleep.

Cindy, how could I survive without you?

Oh, you can't. It's job security.

Bye-bye.

For a couple of lovesick kids, we sure do have a hard time getting together.

Oh, good. That sounds like guilt.

Where there's guilt, there's hope.

Did you call your mother today?

And when was the last time you made love to me?

I don't remember.

Oh, very good!

Does that make you feel guilty?

Just makes me wanna make love to you.

Wait for me, cowboy.

I adore you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we regret Flight 141 to...

Chicago O'Hare Airport is...

- still delayed. - Dr. Allenby.

Dr. Allenby.

We anticipate the fog...

- will be with us through the night. - Oh, we're finally boarding.

I'm afraid not. The airport's still socked in.

What about Burbank, or one of the other airports?

Dr. Allenby, may I make a suggestion?

Why don't you get a good night's sleep at one of the airport hotels,

and I can book you on the first flight in the morning?

If I'm going to sleep, I can do better than a hotel.

I appreciate all your help.

My pleasure.

I enjoyed reading "The Courtesan Complex."

I enjoyed writing it.

We regret all flights...

departing and arriving...

will be delayed until further notice.

Will Mr. Bruce Phillips...

please go to the white courtesy phone...

in the main lobby?

Good evening, Dr. Allenby.

Hello, Ozzie. Final exams?

Yes. In law school, every day is final exams.

You think so, counselor? Try a doctorate in psychology.

I'm hungry.

If I was a dessert, what kind of dessert would I be?

Bavarian chocolate cream pie,

laced with rare Napoleon brandy.

What about your Dr. Joan?

Rice pudding.

We're now landing at LAX.

Thank you for flying with us, and have a nice day.

Passengers from Flight 219 from Chicago...

may pick up your baggage at the first door.

Oh, hello again.

Tell me how much you missed me.

We made the TV deal.

That much?

Now give it to me, come on.

Gladly.

How was Chicago?

Like an all-day dental appointment.

David?

Yo.

How long we been together?

Business or pleasure?

Take your pick.

Three years.

You ever get tired of me?

Come on.

Does the sky get tired of the sun?

Still, I think it's time we took some of my professional advice.

Advise me, Doctor.

Fun and games.

What flavor?

Sultan and slave girl.

Headmistress and choirboy. Whatever.

That's some "whatever."

We've got the reception at the Music Center tonight.

Is that really what you wanna do?

What do I really want to do?

There's a cocktail lounge called Buckets.

Meet me there at 9:00.

Boy, have I got plans for you.

Joan!

Oh, Joan, thank God you've come. I've forgotten everyone's name.

Relax, Helen. It looks like a wonderful turnout.

Well, now comes phase two, the prying open of the checkbook.

Go. Circulate. Get money for music.

Married women circulate. Single women mingle.

Joan.

Walter, I didn't know you were going to be here tonight.

Well, I'm testing my agoraphobia.

If I can stand all this, I can stand anything.

Where's David?

Well, he had to work.

Oh. Well,

why don't the two of us find a quiet corner and share some hors d'oeuvres?

I'll protect you from the rabble.

I'd love to, Walter, but the committee members are supposed to mix.

Enjoy the concert.

- Oh, excuse me. - I'm terribly sorry.

Oh, what a marvelous hat! I love it!

Thank you.

I don't believe we've met. I'm Helen Hendrix from the committee.

Have you ever considered making a donation?

Can I buy you a drink?

Competition?

Never seen her before.

Did she buy the chair?

Not yet, she didn't.

I'll deliver this myself.

Drinks are on the house.

Hi. I'm Lisa.

- Hi, Lisa. - Matches?

That's for friendship and understanding.

Good luck, Lisa.

What?

Hello, sailor. You come here often?

You're playing games, Joan?

Yes, and I'm not Joanie. I'm Lisa.

Come on, David, loosen up. Play with me a little.

How do you like your Lisa?

Lisa has never looked more delectable.

Would you like to take Lisa home with you?

Say yes.

Yes.

Money.

Enough?

For starters.