Grand-Daddy Day Care

"Jack Quartermaine knew he was a dead man."

No, no, no, no. "Jack Quartermaine thought he was a dead man."

No, no. "Jack Quartermaine feared he was a dead man."

Suspected.

Imagined?

Come on, Frank. Make up your mind!

What are you smilin' about?

Dad, Grandpa's here!

Welcome to your new home, Dad.

Smaller than I remember.

Sure got a lot of stuff, Grandpa.

I can do that, Jordie. I'm not an invalid.

Nobody thinks you're an invalid, Eddie.

- Just want you to feel welcome. - Eduardo.

- Huh? - It's Eduardo, not Eddie.

Right. But, you know, I could call you Dad.

Okay, Eduardo it is.

All right. This is the last of it.

Took you long enough. Oh, oh, whoa.

Uh-huh. Okay.

Boy. You know where I got this?

Judge Phillips, state supreme court.

He gave me this when I appeared before him on a federal case.

Said he never heard a more solid argument

from an attorney in his whole career.

Hmm.

Oh. Wow.

Well, I hope you don't mind bunk beds.

Nah. I got used to bunk beds, you know...

In the joint? I prefer "the slammer."

All right, I gotta get back to work, so I'll let you roommates settle in.

Dad. Dad? Yeah?

Exactly how long is Grandpa gonna be staying here?

I don't really know, Son.

Dad, I need my space.

Of course you do. Look... your mother and I are gonna work something out, okay?

But in the meantime, we're stuck with him.

So make the best of it, all right?

Whatever.

Potatoes are a little salty.

I just put a bit in the water, Dad. To give it some flavor.

Salt's no good for ya. It makes you retain fluid.

Weakens the muscle. You end up lookin' like your dad.

I still weigh the same as I did in the joint.

Here, feel that.

So, any plans tomorrow, Dad?

Ah, you know, the usual.

Meet up with a couple of friends...

have some coffee, complain about the weather.

Well, I'll be teaching tomorrow, but maybe Frank can drive you.

Mm-mm. Frank's gotta write.

You still keepin' up with that, huh?

Let's see... What was your last book?

The Copenhagen Conundrum.

That was, what, ten years ago?

- Five. - Oh.

Eh, close enough.

Thought you would've given up on that by now.

Bird's dry.

I don't think this is gonna work.

What do you mean?

Well, for one thing, I'm not sure I'm comfortable

livin' with an ex-con under our roof.

That is my father you're talking about, Frank.

And that was a long time ago.

He paid his debt to society.

He even got his law degree when he was in jail.

Doesn't that count for something?

Well, if he's such a hotshot lawyer,

why can't he stay in his apartment?

Because he almost burned it down when he forgot to turn off the stove.

Oh, that.

And then the neighbors complained

about him knocking on their doors at all hours

tryin' to get into the wrong apartment.

And when the landlord found him sleeping under the fountain...

he said it was the last straw.

Yeah. Well, if it's that bad, honey...

maybe it's time that we put him in a home.

He is in a home.

Our home.

Don't worry about Dad, hmm?

You probably won't even notice that he's here.

They workin' yet?

What? Your psychic powers.

You stare at her every day, but you never talk to her.

So the only way she's ever gonna know that you're interested is if she can read your mind.

Hey, I was just texting you. Meet you in the caf?

Hey.

Oh. Hi.

Jordan, right?

You know my name?

You're in my physics class. I'm Annie.

Oh. Nice to meet you.

Officially, that is.

You're trying out for the show? Huh?

The variety show. Let me guess, you sing?

Uh, uh... Yeah, sing.

Great. Me too. There I am.

There you are. There you are.

Well, I guess I'll see you at the auditions?

Maybe we can sing together.

Sing.

"Jack Quartermaine knew he was a dead man.

Central Command had inferred as much when he accepted the mission."

Implied.

Eduardo, you scared the crap outta me.

Yeah, but you used the wrong word.

Th-The word should be "implied."

The speaker implies, the listener infers.

Yeah. Okay. Thanks.

You know, funny thing happened to me once. Okay.

I was arguing a case in front of Judge Hightower, right?

Now every attorney in the district knows this guy is a class A moron.

Okay, okay.

He used the word "infer" incorrectly just like you did.

Yes, just like... Okay, listen, Eduardo.

I-I'd love to hear more about this,

but, you know, uh, the thing is I'm kinda workin'.

Oh, oh, yeah. You know?

Don't let me interrupt. Go ahead.

Okay. Good.

But you are.

Yeah. Okay.

I thought a man in your situation

might appreciate a little constructive criticism.

Wait. "My situation"? What's that mean?

Well, yeah, Frank, you know, you're not exactly Book-of-the-Month Club, are you?

No. You're like Book-of-the-Every-Five-Year Club.

Wow.

"Implied."

Five years.

Here we go, baby. Mission...

You gotta be kiddin' me!

Hey, would you turn that down, please?

Eduardo? Turn the music down please, would ya?

Eduardo.

Hey, hey, hey!

Watch out! That's a valuable record!

Do you have to play it so loud?

I like to listen for the subtle nuances.

It's polka.

Whoa! Here, hold these. Vinegar time.

What the hell is vinegar time?

Half a cup of vinegar, twice a day.

Better than any medication out there.

Want some? Nah, I'm good, thanks.

Hey, did you see some leftover Thai food in here?

I was savin' it for lunch.

Threw it out.

Got enough chemicals, enough salt, enough preservatives,

enough MSG to kill a water buffalo.

Yeah. Um... Okay, look, Eduardo...

I know this is a difficult situation for both of us...

...but irregardless of that, I think it would be helpful

if we set some ground rules right off the bat.

What do you think?

"Regardless."

What?

You meant "regardless."

Or, maybe, "irrespective."

But there's no such word as "irregardless."

Thanks, Eduardo.

Yo. Okay, good.

Yeah.

I thought we already paid the property tax?

Nah, nah. That one was for last year.

This one is for this year, which we didn't pay

because we needed the money for the mortgage.

All right, well, we'll figure it out.

We always do.

We'd be fine if I could just finish my novel.

How'd it go today?

Before the polka music or after?

Dad? Yeah.

He's either standin' over me correctin' my spelling,

or thumpin' through the house criticizin' my dietary habits.

Oh, he's just lonely, honey. Yes. Yes.

It's been five years since Mom died,

but I know he still misses her.

I know, I know, I'm sorry. I totally get it.

But, babe, I'm a writer, okay?

And I can't write if I have to babysit your dad.

Hey. I just got an idea. Hmm?

Why doesn't he invite some friends over here tomorrow?

What, seriously? Yeah.

What, you want me to take care of a houseful of Eduardos?

No, that's the point.

And they take care of each other.

They keep each other company, so you can get back to work.

Hmm.

What do you think?

Read 'em and weep. Straight to the king.

Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.

Arnold is already showing a flush.

A straight beats a flush!

You're full of crap!

What are you yelling for?

We're playing for matchsticks, for crying out loud!

Okay, we got you all set up. Snacks, beer in the fridge.