The Lavender Hill Mob

Ah!

- Is this your first visit to South America? - Yes.

I wish I could stay longer. It's a pleasant place.

Senhor, congratulations.

- A wonderful party. - Thank you, senhora.

The president himself told my husband it was the occasion of the year.

Oh, senhora.

I was going to send you this for your subscription list.

The, uh, victims of the revolution.

Perhaps I may be allowed to give it to you now.

Thank you, senhor. Always so generous.

The wife of Martin Gallardo, the frozen meat king.

Very decent couple.

Oh, excuse me. Manuel?

Pity you can't stay till Sunday.

I've got a horse in the Jockey Club stakes.

You... rode... a very good race.

A very good race.

Racing's not quite straight out here.

Still, I do believe I've helped to raise the standard a little.

Ah, Chiquita! Chiquita!

I hoped I'd see you. Mm.

You run along and get yourself that little birthday present.

Oh, but how sweet of you. Thank you!

You seem to have accomplished quite a lot in one year.

One superb year.

Just when I was beginning to believe I'd never achieve it.

For 20 years, I've dreamed of a life like this.

For 19 of those years, fate denied me the one contact

essential to the success of all my plans.

Still, I never quite lost sight of the goal.

Inaccessible as it often seemed to me...

When I was merely a...

Merely a nonentity...

Among all those thousands who flock every morning into the City.

Most men who long to be rich know inwardly

that they will never achieve their ambition.

But I was in the unique position of having

a fortune literally within my grasp.

For it was my job to supervise the deliveries of bullion,

from the gold refinery to the bank.

- Lucky I saw that. - Yes, very lucky.

Mr Richards, with gold at 240 shillings per fine ounce,

that particle, estimating its value at, uh, .025,

would entail a loss of approximately six shillings.

Well, I've got a bit more out here for you to check.

One hundred gold bars,

weighed to the value of £495,987!

Well, Mr Richards, your deposit

will be returned in the usual way, as soon as the gold enters the bank.

You are both armed?

I was well aware they all ridiculed me

for the way I fussed and worried.

That was precisely what I had striven for years to achieve.

Here we go again.

There's a car been following us.

- That one, sir? - No, of course not.

A black Chrysler, THX-375. It's gone on ahead.

No sign of it now, sir.

It's probably waiting for us around the next corner.

Go and have a look... and leave me your gun, meanwhile.

Nobody could say that my precautions were not fully justified.

Many a rascal would have risked his all for half a million,

not realizing that gold, in the form of bullion,

is useless without a method of smuggling it abroad.

To find that method was my last remaining problem.

Come in.

Meanwhile, I gave the bank their gold.

Oh, thanks, Holland. Everything quite in order?

Yes, sir.

Silly question. Twenty years, and nothings ever been out of order yet.

Er, that will do, Holland.

Why don't you give that poor old devil a chance?

Surely, after all this time, he deserves a leg up.

Oh, I'm afraid it wouldn't work, sir.

His one and only virtue is honesty.

He has no imagination, no initiative, sir.

I was a potential millionaire.

Yet I had to be satisfied with eight pounds, fifteen shillings, less deductions.

A weekly reminder that the years were passing,

and my problem still unsolved.

Until my ship came home, I was obliged to live

at the Balmoral private hotel in Lavender Hill.

Ah, Holland! The man of millions.

What did you get away with today?

Got any spare ingots for an old pal?

You'll be the death of me, Holland!

I sincerely trust so.

Ah, Mr Holland. Always punctual.

- I smell oxtail soup again. - Oh, dear.

Now, let's see. Where did we get?

Duke Milligan was about to take a gander at Nicky the Greek's hideout.

Oh, yes. Now, here we are.

"I handed my fedora to a hat-check girl

"with all that Venus de Milo had got, and then more,"

"and I was admiring the more when I glimpsed something"

"in the back of this frail that set my underwear"

"creeping up on me like it had legs."

I know that feeling well.

"A guy had soft-shoed out of the door from the gaming room"

"as quiet as a snake on tip-belly."

"And I didn't need my case history of smiling Ed Montana"

"to know that Sonny Boy was his number-one triggerman, Ricci the Filipino."

I thought it was Little Boy Schultz

who carried the rod for Mr Montana.

It was, Mrs Chalk. But surely you remember?

Montana found Schultz taking liberties with that redhead.

Yes, yes. They took him for a ride.

Only last night, wasn't it?

Oh, I must be getting old. Read on, Mr Holland.

"If ever I felt like putting up a new high for the mile of the century,."

"This was the time."

"And then I thought again of those 10,000 smackeroos..."

Yes?

Mr Holland, you're not concentrating.

So sorry.

Evesham must be upstairs.

- Good evening. - Good evening.

Tricky business, this moving, isn't it?

- You've got a lot of stuff here. - Yeah.

Can I give you a hand?

Oh, that's very civil of you.

- My name's Pendlebury. Yeah. - Holland.

If you wouldn't mind taking "motherhood"...

Good evening, Mr Pendlebury. Welcome to Balmoral.

How very nice to see you.

Oh! Mr Pendlebury!

I knew you were an artistic gentleman, but really!

- Take all this. - Oh! Thank you.

I thought I'd made myself quite plain when I phoned, miss Evesham.

I'd... I'd no idea it would mean...

But there's no place to put it all!

- What about the stable? - I suppose it could go there.

Mind your toes, miss Evesham.

Back shortly, Mrs. Chalk.

Oh, this is capital. Capital!

A ready-made studio!

A thing I wanted all my life.

Why, it's even got a north light, too.

Mr Pendlebury, just one moment. The terms of my lease...

Oh, I say! Steady, steady, steady.

So sorry. Oh, it's all right.

I had to g... Had to cast her in gilding metal.

- It's a little delicate, you know? - Mr Pendlebury...

I did it in my factory.

Interesting process. You must see it one of these days.

- Mr Pendlebury! - Ooh, these walls!

Oh, an admirable background for my canvases.

Mr Pendlebury! Let me inform you here and now

that no business occupation may be performed on these premises.

Oh-ho, my dear lady.

This is not my business occupation. I wish it were.

No, these are my wings.

My escape after the cares of the day are over.

My business occupation is something unspeakably hideous.

I'm in the "Presents from" trade.

You know, "Presents from Brighton," "Souvenir of Tunbridge Wells."

Yes, if tourists only realized,

they could save themselves a lot of luggage space

by applying to us direct for their holiday memories.

And the irony of it, Holland, the irony is...

I must design them all myself.

I propagate British cultural depravity.

Look at this.

Anne Hathaway's cottage for keeping string in.

Wouldn't you infinitely prefer the comparative purity of an old biscuit tin?

Southend Pier!

Oh, I... I've thought for years to cut loose from it all,

but I never had the courage.

"Of all sad words of tongue or pen,"

"the saddest are these:"

"'It might have been" '.

Forgive me.

Come and see the casting room.

We're busy at present on one of our export lines. Paperweights.

We ship a thousand a week over to France.

Here's a little... speciality.

Quite a simple process, really.

Pour the molten lead into the mould, allow it to harden.

As soon as it's cool, it's sprayed with gold paint...

And then it's ready to be shipped to France.

"Slave, I have set my life upon a cast."

Richard III.

I believe it's turning into a self-portrait.

I shall call him "The Slave."

Oh, my dear Holland, I'm so sorry. You're still feeling bad.

The heat of that place. I always forget.

No, it wasn't the heat. I'm used to that in my job.

Oh, really?

Your place is very similar to the refinery.

Really? I had no idea.

We turn gold into bars, you turn lead into Eiffel Towers.

- That's the only difference. - Only! If I had gold to deal with...

- Yes? - Ah, an idle dream.

- Must be a big responsibility. - No, not really.

If anyone did rob our van,

well, it's virtually impossible to dispose of stolen bullion,

in this country, at any rate.

Yes. Oh, yes, I imagine so.

But if it could be smuggled abroad...