Santa Clarita Diet

Life has been so hectic lately. Work is crazy.

They gave us all new keyboards.

Oh, you're done. I thought you were gonna list more things.

I have more, but it would just stress me out to talk about it, so...

I know, my life lately is just...

The baby's teething, my sister won another award for bravery.

She carried two Navy SEALs to her helicopter.

"Julie has upper body strength, let's all give her a prize."

And somebody at work is stealing my breast milk.

I think it's Todd. He's the only one who eats cereal.

- So there were more things. - So how are you?

My life's been... a little intense.

What? Tell me. And be very specific.

Well, the other day...

- I misplaced my pen. - Aww.

- But then I found it. - Oh.

So with all that craziness going on,

tomorrow we're taking a family day at the beach.

There's this food truck that Abby loves near the pier.

They sell fresh oysters and you shuck them yourself.

- Oh, that sounds wonderful. - Oh, it's heaven.

You throw your blanket down, we listen to the waves.

- Not a care in the world. - God, I love the beach. It's so peaceful.

When I was a little girl, we'd go there and fly kites.

Oh, fuck!

I fucking love kites.

In the fucking sky, amongst the fucking clouds.

Boy, you're unusually passionate about kites. That's awesome!

How have we never talked about this? Do you prefer single line or double?

Whatever makes them go! Go!

Go that way!

- So exciting. We have to fly together. - Oh, my God, we do.

- But right now, you have got to leave. - What? Why?

Why? Because...

it's canning season and the peaches may already have gone bad.

- You like canning, too? - Get out!

- What happened? - I killed Dan.

I thought you were just going to talk to him.

Negotiations broke down, so I hit him in the head with a shovel.

- Oh, my God! - It just happened.

He was threatening to send you to jail and saying mean things,

and you kinda had to be there.

Come on, grab his leg.

- Let's get him inside. - Okay.

I really appreciate you wanting to protect me from him.

It's so sweet. It's so gallant.

Oh, but I can't believe you killed our neighbor...

- I know. I know. - who is a sheriff.

And it's just funny because you're always telling me

we won't survive it if I act impulsive and...

Honey?

- So sweet, so gallant! - Yeah.

Now lift his torso. I don't want him leaving a stain on our floor.

And knowing Dan, he's gonna want to leave a stain.

Mmm. That coffee smells great.

I love coffee. Think about it.

It's a bean that you drink.

- Are you high? - No.

I'm just feeling very grateful about coffee.

Now?

Okay... we need to get Dan out of here and into the storage unit.

Right. But we can't drag him to the car in broad daylight.

No.

If someone hadn't converted the garage to a home office

we could pull the car in, load the body without anyone seeing.

Well, someone uses that home office as much as I do.

I don't think someone does, but let's drop it.

- Fine, it's dropped. But they do. - Fine.

I'll go to the storage unit, get the trunk and dolly,

so we can load the body and wheel it to the car,

which will never again be in the garage.

You really want to criticize my decision-making

in front of our neighbor you just killed with a shovel?

Yes.

Easy, easy.

Would it be weird if I took his watch? It'd be weird.

Gary did that too. A dead woman would never do that.

- Ooh! I can't believe you eat this. - You eat meat.

Even after we saw that slaughterhouse documentary.

I cut out veal and I limited bacon to the weekends, that's all I can do.

Okay, on three. One, two, three!

Shit.

Shit!

Let's not answer it.

It's Rick.

He knows we're home. Our cars are out front.

- Because we don't have a garage. - Fuck you.

- That's helpful. - Guys, open up! I got news about Dan.

How can there be news? I just killed him an hour ago.

Well, now if we don't open the door we're really gonna look suspicious.

Plus, we should see what he knows.

Let's get him in the closet.

Oh, I forgot. This is where we keep all the stuff we used to keep...

Yes, I'm sorry, there's no room for the dead guy you came home with.

Hey. Oh.

Hey, Rick. You got some news about Dan?

I was just coming back from a run and... Are you guys all right? You look flushed.

- We were fighting. - We were having sex.

We were having sex and it turned into fighting.

- He tried a move I didn't care for. - Still learning.

You said something about Dan or something?

You won't believe this. I just ran into his partner outside.

Apparently, she came to pick him up for his shift this morning

and he's missing.

- Can I get some water? - Oh! No, no, no. No!

You may not. You are the guest. We are the hosts.

I will get some water, you stay here with Joel and finish your story.

Gentlemen.

Thank you.

So, what was the move?

- You were talking about Dan. - Right.

So get this: his partner finds the front door unlocked, but no Dan.

His car's in the driveway, his phone's on the coffee table,

his mini breakfast quiche is still in the microwave.

So sorry about that. All me.

I farted. I did that.

So Dan's partner called it in,

and now there's a couple of squad cars looking around the neighborhood.

Oh, I hope they find him so I can give him shit

about being too lazy to bake a proper quiche.

Ahh. Thanks for the water. I'll just...

Mmmwah!

You are so welcome!

Well, thanks for stopping by.

You take it from here.

Oh, by the way, that guy Anton you were looking for?

- I found his number. - Really?

Tell me the move.

You can't handle the move.

Oh, God.

Fucking top-heavy Dan and his narcing butthole.

This is great. Rick got that guy's number.

- What guy? - The guy with the Serbian book

that might have a cure.

- I'm gonna call him. - Maybe tomorrow's project.

- Right. Dan. - What are we gonna do?

We can't just take him out of here. Now there's a sheriff next door.

We can't leave him here. Abby's gonna be home soon.

Okay, we have to stash him somewhere, somewhere Abby would never look.

- A bookshelf? - I was gonna say a dishwasher.

Maybe in her trombone that cost us $600.

Or under the paddleboard she used four times.

- Master bath. - Good.

She hasn't gone in there since she walked in on us in the tub.

That was funny.

That's a five-hour solution at best. We need a plan.

I've always loved it in here.

The way the light comes in and dances with the colors on the wall.

This room isn't just a place I have to use, it's a place I want to use.

Hey, buddy. Focus.

All right? We're looking for a plan, not a blurb for Better Homes and Gardens.

- Seriously, are you okay? - Yeah, fine.

We'll wait for the sheriffs to leave, go get a new trunk,

- and move him to the storage unit tonight. - Yes.

County sheriff.

- Motherfucker! - Shit!

Try not to kill this one.

You've killed twice as many people as I have.

...as I have.

Wow.

So tomorrow, I'm going to the beach with my parents.

I'm actually looking forward to it. There's this oyster truck we always go to.

And the oysters are, like, okay, but the guy gave me a beer once.

Cool. Should we go get a coffee?

I feel like we should stop and get a coffee.

You're nervous about going home and seeing Dan, aren't you?

When I left this morning, he was going to plant his rosebushes

so I'm pretty sure the flash bang went off and it was a huge mistake

and he's gonna kill me and I want to try coffee before I die.

Worst bucket list ever.

It's going to be good, Eric. It's gonna force a confrontation.

Oh, I love those.

Look, what I mean is, what you have now obviously isn't working.

Dan's a bully. If you don't stand up to bullies, they just keep coming at you.

And take it from me, I was a monster in elementary school.

Maybe you're right. Maybe this will be a good thing.

Maybe it'll make Dan realize, you mess with this kitty cat, you get the claws.

Great. How married are you to that wording?

He's gonna see I'm not gonna put up with any more of his crap.

- There you go. - I'm gonna tell him,

- "I'm not afraid of you, Dan." - Perfect!

"And if you've got a problem with me watching Korean StarCraft tournaments

instead of football, you can just suck my..."

I mean, maybe don't push it that far, 'cause sometimes with bullies...

"dick! Suck my fucking dick, Dan."

I'm sure you'll find it in the moment.

Thank you. Anytime a sheriff's deputy doesn't show up for work,

we just wanna make sure everything's all right.

Oh... of course.

- So either of you see Dan this morning? - No. Wish I had. Great guy.

Wonderful guy. I can't get enough of him.

Interesting. He's been my partner for five years

and I've found that most people just think he's unbelievably repellent.

Well, we don't want to speak ill of the... missing.

- We love everyone, all of God's children. - Amen to that.

Mmm.

You know, there is one thing that strikes me as a little strange.

What's that, Anne?

You two are friends with the Palmers, and you know Dan's missing,

but you still haven't been over to check on Lisa.