New Girl

- Hello. - I made you a cake.

Can't. Booked a car show for tomorrow,

and I have been so good this week.

- I lost four pounds. - Oh, come on, Cece.

It's your birthday. We're gonna eat cake,

we're gonna watch Clueless on VHS,

and we're gonna try to make prom dresses out of towels.

Obviously, just like we always do.

As if!

As if is, like, the funniest thing ever.

I wish I had a stepbrother to fall in love with.

I know, right? Paul Rudd.

You know, actually, I thought maybe this year,

we could go out, you know?

We go party tonight.

Let dogs out. Catch gypsy.

Yeah. Yeah, Nadia wants me to go to this last-minute thing

she found out about, so I thought

we could all, you know, just go out tonight.

- You, me, Nadia, the girls. - The models?

Yes, Jess, the models. Please?

You and I have never spent my birthday apart, ever.

Except for the one time in seventh grade

where you walked out of my sleepover because

- you claimed... - When you struck me in the breast.

But I didn't even touch boob, because you know,

- we all knew you were stuffing... - Oh, my God.

We were all stuffing. Stuffing? We all stuffed.

- You've seen my grandmother. I was not stuffing. - Yes, we were.

- It was seventh grade. - I've been like this since I was seven.

- You're... - Come out with us tonight!

- Please, please, please! - Okay.

- Okay. - I'll come.

Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

I so excited.

I shake this thing that my mama gave me.

YOLO!

The Galapagos tortoise,

- or Galapagos giant tortoise, - Unbelievable...

Is the largest living species of tortoise...

Spectacular.

Hey, do you think

Jess would be mad if I got a turtle and named it Jess,

even though I had that name picked out before she moved in?

- A turtle? - Thinking man's best friend, Schmidty.

In our home? Over my turtle-disease-ridden dead body.

Whatever, dream killer. What's this?

Got you a cookie.

What, you have, like...?

Have, like, an extra?

No.

So you just, like, got me a cookie?

Yeah, I was thinking about you.

What do you mean you were thinking about me?

What do you mean? I don't know. I was thinking about you.

Think about you a lot, bro.

Why?

I don't know. Because you're my friend, you're on my mind.

What, do you not think about me?

Of course not!

Oh.

Schmidt got me a cookie.

Oh. Very nice.

What do you guys think?

- Whoa!-- - Smokin' hot.

I'm going out tonight with Cece and her model friends,

and I'm going for "promising ballerina turned streetwalker."

You have too much joie de vivre.

Okay, you want to look a little bit more bored, tired.

Just altogether disengaged.

More tired-- more, like, sick-like.

Really let your bones prop you up.

Did you put shoe polish on your eyes?

I never understand you women-- God.

- Eye shadow, man. - That's...?

Oh, that's makeup?

I would take that off.

That looks crazy.

Can't believe I have to deal

with the models just to hang out with Cece.

Last time we hung out, it was awful.

I figure the best way to talk

to models is just point to objects and describe them.

The table is round.

It's also flat.

Yes, the table is round, and it's flat.

Oh, look, a lamp.

I love Cece, and these are Cece's friends,

so I should be able to get along with them.

I should be able to deal with the fact

that they think I look like a monkey...

from a Russian cracker ad.

Whatever.

It's Cece's birthday. It's her special night.

I can get drunk, point at furniture

if that means I can spend some quality time with my BFF.

Hey, is it totally obvious that I'm not wearing underwear?

And that makes two of us.

Hey!

- You made it! - Sorry I'm late.

They let in a lot of people ahead of me-- like, a lot.

Saving the best for last.

Monkey cracker.

Monkey cracker.

Monkey,

monkey, where you keep the crackers?

This is so much fun.

Schmidt?

So, it turns out

there's more than one type of turtle.

I could go Eastern Box, or spur thighed,

or nearsighted loner.

What was that? You just grunt at me?

- Wasn't a grunt. - That was a grunt, Schmidt.

- It was a "hurumph." - Hurumph.

I'm sorry if you took it the wrong way; it was not a grunt.

Serena Williams. That was a grunt.

It's all good, man, all right?

It's all "smoove in the groove."

Mellow, man.

Mega-mellow.

Okay.

Schmidt, what the hell are you doing?

You don't think about me?

- What are you talking about? - Earlier today, when I gave you the cookie,

I heard very clearly, "I don't think about you, Schmidt."

- Why would I think about you?! - Because we're friends, we're not animals.

We're men, Schmidt! The only time a man is allowed to think

about another man is when that man is Jay Cutler.

I don't know who Jay Cutler is!

Why are you saying "Cutler" like that?

And I also don't know what is allowed

in the Cold-Hearted Republic of Nick Miller,

but I do know how I feel.

- Ugh! - And I know how much you love cookies.

And I saw it there behind the glass,

and I thought, "Nick Miller-- I'm gonna buy him that."

If I could give you that cookie back, I would.

Nothing would make me happier than to throw it up,

mash it into cookie-shape, and shove it down your throat!

- You wanna mama-bird me the cookie? - No, that's not...

- You wanna mama-bird me the cookie? - No.

You're not mama-birding anybody any cookie.

Schmidt, I don't want to mama-bird you a cookie.

What is your problem, Schmidt?

No mama-birding here!

- Whoo. - You know what?

The dance is surprisingly sexual for a children's cracker.

- Do song again-- "Dance Monkey." - I don't want to dance...

"Dance Monkey."

- Dance monkey, dance monkey. - Cracker, please!

- Dance monkey. - Cracker, please!

- Monkey! Monkey! - No. You know what?

Monkey! Monkey!

Monkey! Monkey! Monkey!

Monkey, monkey, monkey!

- Dance Monkey... - You know what?

No! Stop it!

I don't want to, okay? I'm done.

You guys are the worst!

You're the worst. I'm sorry, but it's true.

All these racist in-jokes about Romanians.

Well, guess what? I'm one-eighth Romanian!

Monkey, no!

And I don't know why Cece would want to spend her birthday here.

It's like years of modeling have made her dumber.

- Nice, Jess. - No! Cece.

No, I'm sorry. I didn't...

It's official.

We got to turtle-proof this loft.

Schmidt cares about you so much, man,

and you don't even think about him.

Are you being serious right now?

Are you really taking Schmidt's side on this?

I am, because I know how you are.

I just don't know why he would run away.

All I ever did was love him.

This rock is so round.

I'm gonna go put it in a jar.

And nothing has changed. Nothing has changed, Nick.

You think Schmidt is

in the right, and I am in the wrong here?

You realize I say good night to you every night,

and you never say good night back?

- No. - What is the problem, Nick?

Do you not want me to have a good night?

I can't just go around saying good night to everyone,

and buying people cookies.

I am not a titan of finance, sir.

Do you know, once a week he goes into your room and cleans it,

and then returns everything the way he found it?

- And I'm weird in this situation? - The dirty old T-shirts, which he washes.

I didn't ask for that-- I like living in my filthy messes.

That's the point, man. You didn't have to ask.

Nobody buys people cookies for no reason.

You still don't get it, do you?

- Nobody. - That wasn't a cookie, damn it! That was a...

- What? - Man, that was a piece of his heart.

Now, if you don't mind, good... night.