Preacher

It's just near the bank on the left.

You can't miss it.

They got some good ice cream there, too, son.

much obliged, sir.

Have it ready for you tomorrow.

Tonight.

Morning, first thing -- it's the best i can do.

[up-tempo piano music plays in distance]

$100 for a brave, $50 for a squaw, and $10 for a child.

Comanche warrior.

This ain't injun. This is mexican.

Injun scalps ain't near so greasy.

Mexican's half-price.

Hey! Take it to the back.

I need a room.

Whore room or sleep room?

Sleep room.

Only got whore rooms.

Or a free chair.

Comes with a $5 bottle of whiskey.

This one's for you

Since you wasn't in church on sunday, all right?

So noah, now, left that ark after 40 days and 40 nights.

We all know that.

And god asked unto him, he said,

"noah, now, why is it you release all the other animals,

But yet you refuse to release that rooster from your grasp?"

And noah said unto god,

"after 40 long nights on that ark,

Forgive me, o lord, but i cannot stop stroking my cock."

Amen? Can i get an "amen," boys?

Mom, no.

Make the kid watch.

I know you.

I do.

Where was it again?

Come on, preacher.

Man #2: Down some red eye with us. We're still drinking.

All right.

You have yourself a good morning, now.

Hey, mister! Hey! Howdy, cowboy!

We're headed to ratwater.

mom, no.

Make the kid watch.

Hey. I remember you now.

...39, 40, and 41.

Hey, mister.

Come on, son. Let's leave them be.

Gettysburg.

Third day -- pickett's charge.

You were with the 4th virginian.

I was with the 8th ohio.

I never seen a man more in love with killing than you.

We lost a lot of good men that day.

Lost a lot of horses, too.

Don't.

Who's back there?

Come on out, now.

Just go to bed, eugene.

You went to tracy's, didn't you?

[sonny james' "heaven says hello" plays]

Need to pay that off by the end of the month.

Which reminds me -- i need to pick up the donation money

From your place later.

Where's your mate with the van?

I don't know.

See? I knew that was a bad idea.

He'll be fine.

I'm worried about the van, not cassidy.

Why worry at all?

Jesse, what's going on? What do you mean?

Quincannon on sunday -- what was that?

Well, you were there. What'd it look like?

I don't know what it looked like.

Preacher, powerful service the other day.

We're all talkin' about it. Thank you.

See? Hmm.

The people have spoken.

Did you know quincannon was gonna be there?

Well, i didn't know...

But i guessed.

Odin quincannon in church? How could you guess that?

i made him a bet.

What?

I bet him if he wasn't a christian by the end of the service,

He could have the church.

Are you insane?!

You bet your father's church?

It's my church now.

Besides, you said so yourself --

I have a gift.

How could i lose?

Sorry to bother you, preacher,

But we're ranking the gospels.

Some of us say mark is the best by far.

I say, "no way. Gotta be john."

Help us out and break the tie?

Well, that's a little like asking me to choose my favorite ice cream.

Come. Sit with us.

Can we finish this later?

Jesse.

This doesn't feel like you.

It's not me.

It's god.

I think the gospel you like

Really depends on the mood you're in.

To me, you can't go wrong with john.

All right. Well, go on, then. Ask me.

Fangs? No.

Turn into a bat? No.

Sleep in a coffin? Not if i can help it.

Afraid of the cross?

It's a 2,000-year-old symbol

Of hypocrisy, slavery, and oppression.

But it won't burn me face off.

Silver bullets? That's a werewolf.

Sunshine. Oh, yeah. That's legit.

You'd die? The invention of sunscreen -- that was a nice bonus.

But i just -- i've got to be careful.

I can't just go wandering out.

Got to bundle up -- sleeves, hat, shades, and that.

Otherwise, it's trouble.

You kill people?

Not if they don't deserve it.

But you drink blood?

Yeah. Helps me heal.

All things bein' equal, i'd rather have single malt.

So, you never, like, crave human blood.

No.

Not really.

Hmm.

Hmm.

You can leave now.

Uh, listen, before i go, a couple of things --

One, i'm lookin' for some drugs,

Possibly something in the opiate family.

Is there a direction you might point me in?

That's a "no." that's all right.

All right, question two --

Don't know where there's a hardware store nearby,

Do you -- any chance? There's one just outta town.

Take main to route 14.

Opposite the strip club.

I'll find that. Yeah.

This is a nice place you got yourself here.

I see linoleum's hip again.

As a bonus, there's an old feller passed out in the back.

So, the other night, huh?

Crazy, eh? It's quite the moment for --

There was no moment.

Well, you kissed me. I thought you were dying.

Yeah, all right. Maybe so.

Look, i don't know exactly what's happenin' here,

I don't know what to call it,

But i do know that i'm too old to be playing games, so...

I-i've fallen for yeh, tulip.

I have. I've fallen hard.

Really? Yep.

I have a boyfriend.

What, the old feller passed out in the back?

That's my uncle!

Well, i'm just getting up to speed.

So, where's this boyfriend, then, eh?

He's at his job. At the whorehouse?

He doesn't work at the whorehouse.

Does he know you work at the whorehouse?

I don't work at the whorehouse.

And i don't give a shit what he thinks.

Yeah, right. Who cares?

So, you and this boyfriend, you gonna get married --

White picket fence?

Is he coming home soon? I'd love to meet him.

he doesn't live here. I don't live here.

I sleep here sometimes. I hang at the whorehouse.

And i'm just waiting for this asshole to ditch his job

So we can both get outta this shithole.

So when are you and this asshole going to leave? I don't know.

God, you ask a lot of questions.

So, hang on a minute. Wait.

You're waiting on him to leave,

Only you don't know when it's gonna be?

Soon, okay?!

When he gets sick of his stupid job,

We're leaving town, and we're gonna go get someone.

Get who?

This guy.

He screwed us.

Carlos.

We lost everything 'cause of him.

Took two years to track him down.

Now i have. Now i found him.

Alls that's left to do is go over there and get him,

Tie him to a table,

Cut his freakin' balls off,

And, over and over,

Stab him in the face with a screwdriver.

And your boyfriend said "no" to this?

Do not wind me up, asshole.

No, no, no. I'm not takin' the piss.

This feller, this carlos, he took everything you ever had,