Bert Kreischer: Hey Big Boy

Ladies and gentlemen... Bert Kreischer!

Yeah!

What's up?

Cleveland!

I took a shit in a gender-neutral bathroom the other day...

...that made the woman in the stall next to me question her politics.

She walked in progressive left...

walked out with a MAGA hat on, just--

In all fairness, I do shit fairly aggressively.

I shit on the underside of the seat.

You ever gotten that blowback where you...

Your wife lifts up the seat, and it's got freckles underneath it?

I'm a tough guy to live with.

I piss her off. She got mad at me the other day.

By the way, this will split the room. Some people will be like,

"I don't see anything wrong with it," and some will be like, "What the fuck?"

I put my dick on her shoulder. Now...

Ladies, ladies, ladies...

I'm all about progress.

But I don't want to live in a world where a man in his own house

can't sneak up behind his wife...

while she's reading a magazine,

take his dick out, put it on her shoulder,

and go, "Whoo! Polly want a cracker!" Now...

Dude, she called me out at a dinner party.

She told strangers about it.

By the way, I was in the hole at this dinner party, right out the gates.

This lady I didn't know was telling us the difference between a broom and a mop.

Yeah, I wish you had been there.

In the middle, I just started giggling,

"I can't believe we're talking about this right now."

She goes, "I bet Bert doesn't know the difference between a broom and a mop."

My wife held onto her seat, like, "You're not gonna like his answer."

I leaned into the table. I go, "No, I know the difference between a broom and a mop.

It's really hard to beat your wife with a mop."

You know when other men look at you,

like, "I would love to be on your team right now.

That's not gonna happen."

My wife then just chimes in, "He put his dick on my shoulder...

and pretended it was a parrot!"

I was like, "That's not what happened.

It was a cockatiel."

I live in LA.

People take getting offended in LA to an art form.

Dude, in LA, they get offended on behalf of people.

Bro, I go to the Starbucks by my house the other day, right?

I walk in, there's this young black kid working behind the counter,

and he recognizes me. Now, first off, I love getting recognized.

But I love getting recognized by black people.

It's so much better, the way they do it. It's more excited.

Like, "Oh, shit!"

This kid's working behind the counter, I walk in and he goes, "Oh, shit!"

I'm like, "Oh, this is gonna be a good one."

I walk through the line, and by the time I get up to the counter,

he's already bubbling.

He's like, "Dawg, dawg, dawg, you have no idea!"

I was like, "I have a little idea right now."

He's like, "No, my man, my dude. Oh, man!

I am the biggest fan

of Joe Rogan's."

I'm like, "Cool, is he here?"

He's like, "No, but you know him!"

I'm like, "Yeah, I do."

He's like, "That's so cool, man."

He goes, "Hey, the best comedians in the game right now,

Joe Rogan, Bill Burr, and Tom Segura."

I'm literally standing right in front of him, and I just go...

"What about me?"

And he's like, "Nah."

He's like, "Hey, man, I tried getting into your shit,

but see, the problem with you is you laugh at your own jokes."

By the way, he's accurate. I do laugh at my own jokes.

I've done it, I will do it. Fuck him, I'm having a good time. Anyway...

Now you can tell the conversation's not going the way he had planned on it.

And he looks at me, and he goes, "Hey, man,

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

I go, "You didn't hurt my feelings. Those are my three closest friends.

I'm gonna tell them about this interaction,

and they're gonna love it."

He's like, "You'd do that?" I go, "I'm definitely doing that."

He's like, "Aw, cool, man. What can I get you?"

I go, "I'll just have a Venti coffee."

He's like, "Room for cream?" I go, "No, I want it thugged out."

He's like, "Huh?" I said, "Black."

And he starts laughing, and I lean in.

I go, "I didn't laugh that time, did I, motherfucker?"

Yeah.

And then I started laughing too 'cause I laugh at my own jokes!

Both of us are laughing hard as shit, right? He hands me my coffee and goes,

"All right, I was wrong about you. You're funny."

I was like, "Yeah, I know."

I go home, I tell my wife about it. She thinks it's funny.

I come back the next day. Exact same scenario.

I walk in, kid sees me,

"Oh, shit!"

I'm like, "Yeah, it's Groundhog Day, baby."

I get through the line, but this time, when I get up to the counter,

he's already laughing hysterically.

He's giggling. He's like...

"How you doing, man?" I go, "Good."

He goes, "What can I get you today?"

I go, "I'll just have a Venti coffee."

He's like, "Oh!

Room for cream?"

I go, "No, I want it to be pulled over for no reason at all."

And the kid falls out laughing, right?

And I laugh too 'cause I laugh at my own fucking jokes.

But now we're laughing like a team.

Like two buddies who have an inside joke.

And what's making him laugh harder is watching me laugh.

We're matching each other's energy like two gay lovers in a steam room.

He hands me my coffee, grabs my wrist, and he goes, "Hey,

am I gonna see you tomorrow?"

I was like, "You're damn right you'll see me tomorrow."

I was up all night writing jokes for this kid.

Yeah, I fucked myself 'cause he already knows the structure to the joke.

He already knows the setup.

That's 90% of the work right there.

You know he's been guessing punchlines all day, handing out coffees,

like, "Here's your coffee. Taking a knee during the National Anthem. Enjoy it."

Yeah, I got to bring the thunder. I'm a professional comedian.

I owe it to this kid.

He just found out I was funny two days ago.

The thing about a joke... Not that you don't know this, but I'll reinforce it.

It's got to be the last thing you think I would say. That's why you laugh.

So I show up at Starbucks the next day, right? Starbucks is packed.

Kid sees me walk in and works his way over to the register,

like, "I got the next ten customers!"

I am nervous in line 'cause I'm watching him alert all his coworkers,

like, "Get Bradley out of the back. It's going down.

Cathy, stop making coffees. It's happening.

Fat guy, red hoodie. Fat guy, red hoodie."

I'm going over my set list in my head.

And I got these two older white women...

Not "older." They're my wife's age. Whatever, fuck 'em. Anyway...

They're... They're talking about rescuing whippets

or whatever white women talk about. I don't know.

All I know is I'm trying to focus because, by the time I get up to the counter,

the first thing I notice is all his coworkers

are clustered behind him...

just listening. No one's making coffee!

And the kid is in front of them, visibly nervous.

He's like, "Good day, sir."

Now I'm nervous. I'm like, "Good day to you."

He's like, "What can I get you today?"

I'm like, "Ah...

I think I'll just have a Venti coffee."

He's like...

"Room for cream?"

I go, "No, I don't want it to know its father."

And the kid falls on the ground laughing.

His coworkers are behind him, like, "Shit, he brought the thunder, man."

I start laughing.

And the white woman next to me goes, "What did you just say to him?"

"I don't want my coffee to know its father."

She's like, "What is that supposed to mean?"

And the kid gets up, leans over the counter and goes,

"It means he wants it black!"

I am crying laughing.

The kid has snot coming out of his nose.

And she gets offended.

"How dare you talk to him in that manner? I won't allow that. Not on my watch.

I'll take care of this, son."

And I lean into the kid, and I go, "That's the problem with cream."

That just...

Cheers.

Whoa.

That's a lot stronger than I thought it would be.

Whoo.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah, Bert, we love you!

I love you too.

- Whoo! -

I love my wife. I wish I didn't.

I do, man. She's a bad bitch.

She's an honest person. Here's the thing about women.

When women are honest... This is what sucks.

They get written off as bitches.

But when a dude's honest, they're like, "Savage, man, way to get 'em!"

My wife is brutally...

My wife is autistically honest.

Dude, I was getting undressed in the bedroom the other day,

and, through the doorway, I hear her go...

Like, is that for me? And she goes, "You do not look good naked. Like...

Baby, it looks like you're still wearing a belt.

When you get naked, it's like your body...

Oh, it looks like you outgrew your dick.

It looks like your body got bigger, but your dick stayed the same size, so...

It looks like a squatter in the middle of a bustling city.

Like, 'Hell, no, we won't go.

Hell...'"

Dude, I was in the grocery store with her the other day.

And I was getting this weird sensation in my dick.

It's going ice cold, then hot, then ice cold, then hot.

I started panicking. I go, "Something's going on with my dick, baby.

It goes cold then hot, cold then hot--" And she just cuts me off and goes,

"You have to lose weight."

I go, "Do you think it's my blood pressure?"