My Old Ass

Oh, no!

Ruthie, you're fine. I'm not even driving that fast.

It's your birthday, bitch! It's her birthday!

You're legal now. Now you got legal butt cheeks.

Oh, my god. You can't say shit like that, Ro.

Oh, now we gotta stop here so you can get with some,

- like, random girl, but whatever. - Yeah.

She's not some random girl.

We've been, like, flirting with each other since fucking grade eight.

I gotta at least shoot my shot before I leave.

Hmm, if this works, you've officially gotten every girl in town.

- Every single girl. - That's true.

That's not true. That's not true.

- Oh, shit! - I'm so sorry.

- Holy shit. - I'm so sorry.

- Are you okay? - Is my neck still there?

No, you're good, you're good, you're good.

I'm gonna be honest and I'm gonna tell her I'm leaving in three weeks.

If that leads to us banging...

...that must have been god's plan.

That's out of my hands, you know what I mean?

You gotta slow down. You gotta slow down.

Bro.

I'm sorry, I'm like, I'm so used to driving boats

that drive like this, not this twisty wrist shit.

Maybe you should actually, like, get your boating license.

I've been operating heavy machinery since I was eight, Ruthie.

- Are you sure... Oh! - Oh, shit, sorry.

You know...

- ...it's an idea. - Help me pull it in. Pull it in.

I don't think boating licenses are, like, a real thing.

It's like a formality.

- You guys got it? Okay. - Yeah.

Okay, grab that rope at the end.

Oh, my gosh.

Life and fucking death experience right there.

- Christ. - Okay.

- Made it. - It's go time.

You're alive. You got this.

- Have fun in there. - Thank you.

You be safe, kid. Wrap it up.

- Oh, bitch, my back is thrown. - Oh, my god.

I know. Like, my neck.

They're, like, they're a medical marvel, right?

- That's true. - They, like, cure our UTIs.

- That is true. - Right? We need them.

Yeah, you're welcome.

They fight for us, we should fight for them.

So...

You said you're leaving town really soon, right?

- Twenty-two days. - Okay, shit! It's like that?

You have to do a countdown? You're just so in a rush?

Oh, yeah. I mean...

There is one thing I'll really miss about this place.

Her hair is starting to melt.

It's going to ruin the surprise.

That looks like a sheep.

Took me an hour.

She'll be here soon.

No, so listen:

I had a uncle, 'cause my aunt married this guy

but then they got divorced, but he had a guinea pig.

The PetSmart that he bought it from,

he had... she had a kid, and the kid gave me the drugs.

So, a literal stranger.

No, I just told you...

No, listen, he said that they're super rare

and that they're from South America.

Africa.

Do you just chew them?

I'll look it up.

Yeah, yeah. These South America?

How do you spell "hallucinogenic"?

That's Africa.

I don't know. "Mushrooms."

I think you, like, chew them or, like, maybe,

I heard you can make, like, some type of herbal tea with them or some shit.

Finally!

No, we're not making tea with them.

I heard if you make tea with them, you can't control how high you get.

Look at you.

What were you doing?

- Not now, Mom! - Kathy, we're very busy, huh!

I'm trying to do drugs, Mom!

- I... Okay, wow, wow, wow. Okay. - Oh. Oh.

I mean, if you're driving like that.

Look, before we get too far into it, should we make, like, an emergency plan

in case, in case anything bad happens?

No! Nothing bad is gonna happen.

That's, like, the whole point of shrooms.

Nothing bad happens on shrooms.

What if one of us, like, gets too high and, like, says something fucked-up

and it, like, changes the fabric of our friendship forever?

- Ten! - Two point five.

No, not the whole bag. That's way too many.

That's why you gotta get your weight up.

To Elliott.

You old bitch!

May you experience a fucking, I don't know, like,

a new level of consciousness or some shit tonight.

- Ro. - Ro.

- Oh, my god. - You're burping.

- Oh, my god! - I thought we were...

- Don't you guys want to get there? - That's so...

- Yes, but... - All right, one, two, three.

Let's go, let's go.

I can't do it.

It's so bad!

Chug it, chug it, chug it, chug it, chug it.

Oh, I'm scared.

- Like, are you? - No, actually, I'm a little...

I'm a little scared, too.

I'm weirdly not.

Oh!

What the fuck was that?

- Okay... - There are bears here.

- Let... Shut up. - My mom told me.

Let's just be normal, guys, and talk about something normal.

- Something. - Let's just talk about something normal.

Can you, like, talk about your hopes and dreams or something, Elliott, please?

- My hopes and dreams? - Yes.

- Fucking yes. Hopes and dreams. - Word, word.

I've got hopes and dreams. Okay.

Well...

I'm... I'm just excited that my life is, like, finally about to start.

I don't know. Even though the world is, like,

literally on fire and... full of uneducated racists,

I'm just, like, trying to force myself to have hope.

And I just feel like moving to Toronto and, like, living in the city

and going to school, like, it all just feels right, you know?

Like, mad respect to my ancestors,

but I do not want to be a third-generation...

I can't be a third-generation cranberry farmer and, like,

live in a town with 300 people.

And I always feel bad every time I say that, but it's, like,

I've got energy, I've got hype.

Like, the world... the world is literally our fucking oyster.

Like, we've got to live. You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Holy shi...

Oh, my god.

Are you tripping? Are you guys tripping?

I don't know.

I feel like grooving, man. I feel like grooving.

What the fuck? Ru... Ruthie?

Oh, my god.

Ro!

They feel like grooving, man. Wow.

I don't feel anything.

You know, it's 'cause you don't tolerate drugs well.

What the fuck?!

- Hey, freak. - Who are you?

Oh, my god!

This is Maude Island.

My god, I used to love this place.

Damn, it's a shame some dickhead rich guy bought it all up.

That sucks.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

Oh, my god, I miss chemicals.

Who the fuck... are you?

Where did you come from?

You tell me.

You're the one that took a bunch of mushrooms and summoned me here.

Do you work for my dad?

Did he send you here to spy on me?

That is so something he would do.

That's funny. But no.

God?

I don't know how to say this.

Yes.

Elliott, come on.

Dude, I'm you.

Well, I'm... I'm 39-year-old you.

- What? - What's up?

What the f... What are you talking about?

You're me? Fuck off. What?

- You fuck off. - Your teeth.

- Those aren't my teeth. - So? What about my teeth? What?

There's a fucking gap in your teeth. I don't have a gap in my teeth.

Yeah, dude, fuck you. Wear your retainer.

And your hair. It's so dry and it's dark.

- Take it easy. - You have bangs.

I don't have bangs, I have no plan

- on getting bangs. - Take it easy, bitch. First of all...

And your boobs are saggy. My boobs aren't saggy.

Okay, you can't even see my boobs.

- I don't see it. - Oh, my god.

Forgot how fucking dense I was.

Let me show you something.

This...

Right? Nine years old.