Utopia (Atoll K)

'Who has never dreamed of knowing heaven on earth,

'of sailing away to a desert island?

'Well, here's a story about such a dream come true.

'A story that starts in London, at tea time.

'Which is not surprising since it's always tea time in London.

'On this particular day, at the house of The Honourable Mr Bramwell...'

Your tea, Mr Bramwell.

The heir from America is waiting outside.

The heir from America?

Oh, we can't keep him waiting. Eh, gentlemen?

Well, don't stand there gaping, Pringle. Show him in, immediately.

Will you go in now?

- Mr Laurel, I presume. - No, no, I'm Oliver Hardy.

I'm Mr Laurel's financial exchequer.

- But where is Mr Laurel? - Oh, right here. Mr Laurel is...

Ah, Mr Laurel, we've had quite a time finding you.

And now, gentlemen, let me introduce the two attorneys

who handled your late uncle's affairs in France and in Italy.

Mr Hardy, Monsieur Bonfois. Mr Laurel, Signor Paltroni.

How do you do?

Signor Paltroni, Mr Hardy. Mr Bonfois, Mr Laurel.

My name is Bramwell.

Mr Hardy!

Well, gentlemen, could we get down to business?

Oh, thank you, Stanley.

Now, just how much was this legacy?

Oh, you Americans! You never seem to believe in formalities, do you?

There's one thing about us.

We always believe in business before pleasure.

You see...

Pardon me.

Thank you very much.

Now, could we proceed?

As a matter of fact, we had better get right to business.

Your uncle was quite an eccentric.

He didn't believe in banks.

He insisted on keeping his money in cash.

- And here it is. - What is it?

It's money, I think.

Indeed, it is money, and a very large sum.

- Italian lira. - French francs.

And English pounds.

Stanley...

Mr Laurel, before we actually turn this money over to you,

there are, of course, some administrative charges.

These include overhead legal charges...

Deflation, amortisation...

Currency fluctuation, foreign exchange and a few other incidentals.

Gentlemen!

Here's your receipt, Mr Laurel.

Well, gentlemen...

My dear Mr Hardy, there is another small item.

- What now? - The taxes.

To save you time, we've had them all figured out.

Including, naturally, a slight fee for our services.

These deductions represent income taxes, state taxes, inheritance taxes,

death taxes and living taxes.

And a few other plain taxes.

Gentlemen...

Wish Uncle had left me the taxes!

Is that all we get?

Oh, but you also get an island!

- An island? - And a beautiful yacht.

- A yacht? - Yes, yes.

The yacht is tied to a dock right here, see? In Marseilles, France.

And the island is here, in the South Seas.

Gee, that sounds wonderful, Ollie!

Well, that sounds swell, but...

How much are the taxes on that?

Oh, none. The island is absolutely tax free!

- Here's your money. - The papers for the boat.

And this is the deed to the island.

Well, now, that cleans out, er... I mean, that cleans up the estate.

Gentlemen, I bid you good day.

Come, Stanley.

Why don't you be careful?

Take a look. Here's your little boat, gentlemen.

- And here's your port clearance. - Ah!

Boy, we'll need a crew for this one.

A crew? What do we need a crew for?

- I'm running this boat! - Well, let's get on it.

- Oh, I beg your pardon. Dock fees. - How much?

- 19,000. - Lovely!

Thank you, sir, and bon voyage.

- Merci beaucoup. - Good day.

- Bon tomorrow! - Thank you.

It's a good thing he didn't take the taxes. We'd have had nothing left of that.

Pardon me. Thanks a lot for reminding me. I forgot about it.

- Thanks. - Er, Monsieur...

Thank you. It's much too much, sir. Much too much.

What did you have to open your big mouth for?

- Well, I didn't know he was going to take it. - Come on and let's take a look at the boat.

We've got plenty of gas!

Let that thing alone!

Put that down!

- Look, there's a tunnel. - Look.

See? Let's go down.

- Why don't you watch where you're walking? - Well, I couldn't help it.

Oh, never mind that. Let's see what we've got here.

Shh!

- I didn't know they were living underneath. - Well, they've moved now!

- What'd he say? - I wouldn't care to repeat it.

Come on!

- What happened? - Mind your own business!

Oh, look!

What is it?

Well, that's an emergency life raft for four people.

- You can't get four people into this thing! - You don't understand.

Inside there's a compressed air cylinder.

When you release the valve, it blows up large enough to carry four people.

Well, what about me?

You don't have to be insulting.

Haven't I always taken care of you?

You're the first one I'd think of.

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, Ollie.

Ollie.

Ollie.

Yoo-hoo!

Take that snake skin off and get that cargo aboard!

"What about me"...

What about me?

Don't waste time like that. Throw them to me and I'll put them there.

Look at that!

- What goes on here? - There's a man in the cage!

- I bet it's Antoine again. - But the guy must be mad.

I'm a monkey, I tell you!

- He's a stateless man. - A what?

Somebody who has no nationality.

Oh, he's not a bad guy, really. But no country seems to want him.

He'd do anything to get back on land. Let's go, Antoine.

Don't you know it's against the law to land here without a passport?

Arrest me, punish me, teach me a lesson, put me in prison!

But remember that to put me in prison you've got to let me land.

How long has he been on your ship, Captain?

Oh, months.

He tried to get ashore at Tetrokovac, Nagasaki, Caracas, Sydney...

- Brooklyn. - Brooklyn, Salonika...

Everywhere we stopped.

- All I ask for is a country. - Well, get a passport.

Oh, that's easy to say.

How can I get a passport if I have no country?

And how can I get in the country if I have no passport?

Sorry, I didn't make the regulations.

You're not allowed to land in this country. That's the law!

Fine laws!

You land monkeys without a passport, and not human beings!

Take him back on board.

Let's go!

- Canned food, one crate. - Canned food, one crate.

- Six sheets, plywood. - Six sheets, plywood.

Six sheets, plywood.

- Six sheets, plywood. - Six sheets, plywood.

- Sugar, one sack. - Sugar, one sack.

Oh, all right.

Sugar, one sack.

Won't you ever stop playing hide and seek with us?

- Go on. Beat it and quick! - But you two always stop me.

Now, see here. You're probably a good stonemason.

- Why don't you go and work in Italy? - But I'm an immigrant!

- That's just it. Immigrant in Italy. - You kidding or something?

How can you immigrate to a place you've left already?

Well, maybe.

But one sure thing, you're not going to leave Marseilles without paying your passage.

- It's a funny world, huh? - How come?

Well, here we are, catching a man who tries to sneak off a boat

and catching another man who tries to sneak on,

when they could settle it so easily with one another.

Oh yeah? You borrowed that without asking me.

Well, I wouldn't have minded losing it if your trick had finally worked.

It's tough, eh, Antoine?

- Oh, I'll find another way out, don't worry. - Don't tell me about it, huh?

Good morning, boys.

What'd you say?

I haven't opened my mouth!

Good morning, boys!

- Going on a vacation? - We're going to the South Seas.

- That's a long trip there and a long way back! - Yeah, but we're not coming back.

You see, we own an island out there. Don't we, Ollie?

Uh-huh.

- Say, how do you start an engine? - With a mechanic, of course!

We can't afford one. We haven't got any money.

- We did have, but they took it all for taxes! - Well, don't worry.

I'm going to send you a mechanic and he won't cost you a cent!

- Well, everything's arranged. - What is? My execution?

There are two characters alongside.

They own an island in the South Seas. You're invited.

And you won't need a passport to get ashore. (Whistles)

- Thank you. - Thank you.

- Look out. - Thank you.

- Good morning, Stanley. - Good morning, Ollie.

- Er, where are we? - We're here. You see? Right...

Well, we shouldn't be. We'll have to change our course.

Keep her on course. You can eat later.

- But I'm hungry. - So am I! Selfish!

- Your hat. - Oh, thank you.

Forgetting your manners when you get on a yacht...

Stanley, this is wonderful. The sea, the sky, the sun...

And you and I alone on the bounding main.

What do you mean, alone? He's with us.

Oh, of course, Antoine. He's our very, very good friend.