Burying the Ex

Another bad dream, baby?

Just go back to sleep.

Yes!

Travis.

- Hey, what's up, Max? - Can I... talk to you for a minute?

Yeah, okay.

All right, up and at them, ladies. Up and at them!

Oh, God!

Sorry.

What are you doing here?

What do you mean? My first threesome. I owned it.

Actually it was a little more work than I thought it was gonna be.

- Congrats. - Thanks.

But what did I say about using my place for sex?

- I don't know. - I said use your own place.

And risk having these chicks know where I live? I mean, you know I can't do that.

Yea, but Evelyn slept over, man.

If she knows you are here she is gonna shit a Prius!

Come on, this should be cool with you. We're brothers.

Half brothers technically.

From the same sac. I can't believe you would say that.

I'm disappointed in you.

How do you get these girls to bang you, I will never know.

You see, it's not about banging. It's about love.

I love these girls with everything I got. I care about Leikeidra and Lashanda.

I care about them so much.

No, no, not... not from the bottle.

- Sorry, I lost electrolytes back there. - Oh, great. Now would you please go?

Just keep your voice down.

- Where are the eggs? - What eggs?

The eggs. I always down one raw egg after busting a night,

and right now I need three. Make that four raw eggs, stat.

I don't know. Evelyn doesn't let me have any food that's not vegan.

So, you're saying you got no eggs?

Oh, my God.

When are you gonna nad up to this broad?

I mean, first she makes you to sell your car because it wasn't a hybrid,

now she is screwing with your diet?

Yeah, well, when you meet a girl that's half as hot and intelligent

and concerned about the environment as Evelyn,

- we will talk. - I don't... think I want that.

- Yo! - Oh, shit!

Hey! Mary-Kate, Ashley, get your stuff and whatever is left of your dignity

out of the apartment, please. Thank you!

- Travis? - Hey, how are you?

- You can go to hell. - Yes, yes, ma'am.

Come on! Chop-chop ladies. Let's go.

You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.

I suggest go to the nearest church or Planned Parenthood.

- Is that... - I think you should probably wash this.

- Is that my sheet? - It's not mine.

Just... just take it with you.

Hey, whatever happens, I'm here for you, brother.

He is your half brother. Half!

That was a little harsh, don't you think, Ev?

No. I'm only trying to help him. Okay?

You're right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It's okay.

But you can make it up to me.

You know. Little bit of... breakfast sex.

I'm already late for work as it is.

Then you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

All right, okay. Alright, but it's gotta be a quickie.

Who said it was going to take long?

Who dare call Bloody Mary's?

Hi, Mary.

Yeah, I'm here. I'm sorry I'm late. Something... came up.

Yup, I'm gonna dress the windows right now and then I will clean the bathrooms.

- You better. - Okay, bye-bye.

Delivery!

Ghoul morning, Chuck.

I can't believe your boss makes you greet people that way.

Yeah, she says it adds to the ambience.

My condolences. Sign that.

Tell you what, though, when I own my own shop,

I'm going to greet the customers the way I want to.

Hey, that'll be the day.

Thanks.

And the last one.

All right. Thank you, Chuck, and go to hell.

You're welcome and go to hell, Max.

I didn't order you.

Satan genie.

"Make any want, wish or desire yours, the evil way."

Live Green or Blog Hard. Saving the world, one blog at a time.

I just got a shipping of costumes. You wanna play dress up?

- That depends on what you got. - Well, there is naughty nurse,

mischievous maid, slutty schoolgirl and hussy housewife.

My favorites.

Let me just finish up this blog and I will be there in a jiff.

That was fang-tastic.

Your boss needs to replace these incandescent tubes with compact fluorescents.

CFLs last up to ten times longer

and she'll be cutting her energy bill by more than half.

I love it when you speak green.

Well, I'm just trying to... curb your carbon footprint.

So when I open Max's Scare Shack, you can be my environmental consultant.

Okay, here we go again with that.

- Ev... - Look...

werewolves and vampires and zombies, they are figments.

- Max, they're not real. - And?

And why waste your time, hawking this crap

when there are so many real problems in the world.

And look at this, okay?

Satan genie.

"Make any want, wish or desire yours, the evil way."

It's a load of horseshit.

Yeah, but that's why this stuff is so important.

It challenges us to stop accepting the world and you know,

face our inner monster and find the strength to conquer it.

- It's a bit of a stretch, Max. - Yeah, well, you say that now,

but who will you turn to when the world is taken over by zombies?

You make me laugh.

Glad to be of service.

Serious.

Once I lost my mom,

a part of me just shut off.

Like a piece of me died with her and...

and I found you.

You brought me back to life.

Promise me we'll always be like this.

I promise we will always be together.

Always and forever.

Well, welcome to your new home.

Our new home.

Lugosi did kick the habit,

but I think there's a YouTube video of him leaving rehab. Which is great.

Yeah, that's great, but that's why you should never put anything unnatural

into your body, Max. I just wrote a blog about this.

I feel like a malted. Do you want a malted?

- Max, you know I don't drink milk. - Come on, Ev. Live a little.

This stuff in that kills you.

Oh, my God.

Hello. Welcome to Ice Cream.

Look at all these flavors, Ev.

Everything's home made by yours truly and everything truly kicks ass.

Ginger Gore, Walnut Warlock,

Caramel Cadaver.

- Wait a second, Fruit Brute? - Yeah.

- Like the monster cereal Fruit Brute? - Yeah, like the monster cereal.

- What's a Fruit Brute? - General Mills put out a...

Sorry, please, go ahead.

They put out a line of cereals based on classic monsters

like Franken Berry, Boo Berry, Count Chocula

and Fruit Brute was one of the cereals but no one bought it so it died.

Yeah, until I decided to resurrect it. It's alive.

How, retro!

I will have one Fruit Brute malted, please.

Excellent choice. And for the lady?

I'll take a Soy Oreo shake and we're in rush.

Actually I don't have cookies and cream. You know you can get that anywhere, so...

I've never met an ice cream snob before.

- Stop, Evelyn. - I didn't mean it like that at all.

Oh, no, you think that you're so great, right?

Because you work at some novelty ice cream shop where you serve flavors

based on pop culture artifacts that only cool people like you know about,

but do you actually know what they put in this stuff?

You're practically poisoning your customers.

What is your problem?

- You are my problem, skank! - Evelyn!

No, Max. We're leaving. We are going to Pinkberry.

- Are you coming or not? - But Fruit Brute!

Fine.

I'm so sorry.

That's fine, no worries. Good luck!

Enjoy Pinkberry. Has milk in it... also.

You mind telling me what that was about?

I don't know. Why don't you tell me, Flirty McGee?

Flirty McGee? We were talking about monster cereals.

Fine, go be with someone who knows about obscure discontinued breakfast foods, Max.

I just wanted a malted!

Max, I'm so sorry.

Please don't be mad at me.

I'm not mad,

I just want to know what happened back there.

I don't know, I just...

I freaked out, you know? It wasn't you, it was... that girl.

She just got under my skin.

It was just ice cream, Evelyn. Ice cream.

You're right. I'm sorry. I am.

I just get scared sometimes.

You're all I have and I don't want to lose you.

You're not gonna lose me, Ev.

Okay.

- Thank you. Go to hell. - Where do you get off?

- Who dare call Bloody Mary's? - Hey, sexy.

You think you can sneak away from work for a minute? I have a surprise for you.

I promise you won't regret it.

- Really? - Really.

On my way.

Surprise!

Max, not on the runner. It's hypoallergenic and I would like to keep it that way.

My bad.

So, do you love it or do you love it?

Yeah. It's... it's different.

Our apartment is now 100 percent green.

Literally.

Do you like the color? It's made from fresh cut wheat grass

so no solvents, toxic metals or volatile organic compounds.

Great.