Unstrung Heroes

Subject: documentation

of inventions by Sid Lidz,

random samples, 1951-1962.

Test number 75. July 5, 1951.

Note: bottle showed excellent resistance...

To percussive impact from 1.1 kilogram stone.

That's me talking.

Subject was next given bottle to receive delivery of fluids.

However--

my dad's an inventor by trade.

He believes in the purity and power of science.

He would say there was nothing broken

that science couldn't fix.

Like the time he spent

an entire weekend making me

a flying purple people eater costume

without eyeholes

because he insisted flying purple people eaters

would have sensory antenna, and not eyes.

Tested by Steven Lidz,

age seven.

Note: subject was initially pleased with the appearance

and performance of costume.

However, a minor slippage of mirror

within periscopic antenna

obscured subject's peripheral vision,

resulting in non-injury accident.

Thanks to mom,

future development of this prototype was abandoned.

Test number 211, May 8,1958.

Perpetual motion baby jumper.

Subject: Sandy Lidz, age 22 months.

My dad believes

in documentation and recording the details

and progress of our lives.

...resulted in seizure

of right flywheel.

Subject was uninjured.

Test number 175.

May 15, 1957.

Mild monsoon sprinkler system.

Subject: Selma's Rose garden.

Note: slow motion macro photography

reveals even distribution of droplets

from watering heads.

Timed diurnal cycles should produce

significant increase in plant growth.

Invention performed according to specifications.

The gardener--

Even accidents

are important to document,

like when mom got too close to dad's sprinkler system,

and dad said he had recorded a serendipitous phenomenon:

The similarity between two American beauties,

the red rose... And my mom, Selma Lidz.

Test number 319.

May 5, 1962. Domedary--

Dad said science was the only heroic path.

Of course, his brothers didn't agree.

Uncle Danny and uncle Arthur had their own paths.

But it annoyed dad too much to talk about them.

It was mom who told me a hero

is anybody who finds his own way through this life.

She told me this would be the year I'd find mine.

Someday I'll invent a camera that'll last

more than 30 seconds.

Are your eyes closed?

Okay. happy birthday, honey.

Okay, here we go. Happy birthday.

A tent?

Now, the entire operation is controlled

by this remote which includes a surprise feature

which we'll discuss in a moment.

But before surprise comes what?

I have no idea.

Safety!

In the event the remote doesn't work,

which it will,

and you're trapped inside, and there's an emergency

and you need to evacuate immediately,

you can do so manually through this entranceway,

all right?

Come over here. Sit on the bed.

Selma... watch this!

I thought I was getting a Kodak Instamatic 500.

Yeah, an Instamatic 500.

Your dad had a brainstorm.

I want to show you the surprise feature.

- Go over to your dad. - Do I have to?

Come on, Steven, come over here!

Quick, quick, quick! Come on in.

Watch!

Now, sit on the bed. Hold on, okay, ready?

Damn it! Why isn't this thing working?

- Get the light projector. - The what?

The light projector! Right here, come on, grab it.

That's it, come on. Just give it--

give it a hard tap underneath, okay?

Oh! oh!

Oh, damn, Sid.

That's it, I blew the whole house out.

Steven, begin emergency evacuation.

Yeah! whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo! yeah!

Hey, first batch, Sid!

Dad, pancakes!

Steven, get the record.

It's gonna skip.

Excuse me, excuse me.

That should do it.

You know what Spinoza says:

The only graceful form is that of the circle.

Then again, he never met you, so...

Steven, turn out the lights, okay?

All right, here we go!

Blast off! Ha-ha!

There's Saturn.

Yeah, there's Saturn.

See? look on the Frigidaire over there.

Wow!

Look at that shooting star. It's kinda neat.

Look at all those!

Ooh, look at the wishing star up there!

Oh, yeah.

How was your day?

It was pretty good. How was yours?

Yeah.

Look, there's Venus.

Where?

Right over there.

Daddy,

how many stars are there, anyways?

That's a stellar question. But to be able to answer that,

you have to know the highest number.

What is the highest number?

Well, since time and space are unbounded,

everything starts with nothing.

Naturally, nothing begins and nothing ends,

and nothing can be created out of nothing.

And as Socrates says,

"as for me, all I know is that I'm nothing."

Sid, just answer the question.

I'm getting to it.

First I'll need to explain basic algebra.

Let's define the limit that a function "F" approaches

at "x" equals "a"--

- Sid. - Dad.

Infinity.

I know you're disappointed,

but don't worry we'll get you a camera next year, kiddo.

You have to admit,

you're the only kid on the block with one of these.

Mom, is dad from another planet?

Who told you that?

The kids say it at school.

Oh! well... He could be.

Although if I were from another planet,

I don't think I'd choose Roseman Avenue

as my place to land.

Does it bother you what they say?

Well, yeah. I mean--

listen, you are getting older.

And it's probably time that you know.

What?

- Your dad-- - Yeah?

Your dad's a genius.

A genius?

And most people don't understand that.

So... you shouldn't care if they laugh

or say mean things, you know?

You should just be proud of him like he's proud of you.

He is?

Oh, god, of course he is!

Give me a hug. Good night, birthday boy, mmm.

Sweet dreams.

Okay, let's see if this thing really works.

Wait. hey, mom?

Yeah, what, baby?

Mom, remember when I told you I was thinking of running

for class president?

Sure I do!

Well, I don't think I will now.

Well, why not?

Gosh, I thought that was such a terrific idea.

No one's gonna vote for me.

Gosh, how do you know until you give yourself a chance?

You know, I mean, we can make posters.

No.

And your dad, your dad could write speeches.

No, wait, what if I lose?

I mean, I'll be humiliated.

So what if you lose? Who cares? Big deal.

Look at Adlai Stevenson.

He ran for president twice, and he didn't win.

Do you think he was embarrassed?

Yes.

Oh, well--

Look, kiddo, I'm sure you'll work it out.

Your hands smell good.