Team America World Police (Team America: World Police)

Oh, hello.

Jean Francois?

Jean Francois.

You in the robes. Put down the weapon of mass destruction

and get on the ground. You're under arrest.

Put down your weapons now!

Why can't they ever do this the easy way?

World Police. Get down on the ground!

Hey, terrorist.

Terrorize this.

All right, let's make this interesting.

You lose.

-He's getting away with the WMD! -I got him.

Damn, I missed him.

Sarah, he's got the bomb. You got a fix?

I got him, Carson. He's heading for the Louvre.

Your plans are over.

-All right, Sarah. -Yeah, all right, team!

Nothing to it.

All right.

Bonjour, everyone. Don't worry. Everything is bon.

We stopped the terrorists.

I was doing a lot of thinking on the ride over here.

Oh, yeah? About what?

I was thinking that I want you to marry me.

-Don't joke about that. -Who's joking?

Joe to Sarah. Looks like we may need to order up a wedding cake.

-He finally popped the question? -Lisa, you're an amazing woman.

And a damn fine cop. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Oh, Carson. Carson...

Carson!

No!

Carson.

-Feel so cold. -You have to hang on, Carson.

Sorry, babe. Looks like this was a one-way ticket.

No.

Lisa, you have to live on.

Find someone else who will love you. Find someone else and be happy.

You deserve...

No!

Everyone has AIDS

AIDS, AIDS, AIDS

AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS AIDS, AIDS

Everyone has AIDS

And so this is the end of our story

And everyone is dead from AIDS

It took from me my best friend

My only true pal

My only bright star

He died of AIDS

Well, I'm gonna march on Washington

Lead the fight And charge the brigades

There's a hero inside of all of us

I'll make them see Everyone has AIDS

-My father -AIDS

-My sister -AIDS

My uncle and my cousin And her best friend

AIDS, AIDS, AIDS

The gays and the straights And the whites and the spades

Everyone has AIDS My grandma and my dog Ole Blue

-AIDS, AIDS, AIDS -The Pope has got it and so do you

Come on, everybody We got quilting to do

We're gonna break down These barricades

Everyone has AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS

AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS

AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS AIDS, AIDS

-Great job, Gary. -Thanks. You, too, Steve.

That was the greatest acting I've ever seen.

I just don't know how you do it, Gary.

How do you make yourself so somber and emotional

to make everybody cry like that?

It's not that hard, really. I just think about the saddest moment in my life.

Man, wow. Gary is such a great guy.

Gary. Oh, no. Help me! Help me!

Get off of me! Get this thing off of me! Gary!

Hello, young man. Congratulations on a terrific performance.

Oh, thank you. I don't believe we've met, Mr...?

The name is Spottswoode.

-Well, nice to meet you. -And you are Gary Johnston.

All-American actor who graduated Iowa University summa cum laude

with a double major in theatre and world languages.

You've been at the top of every acting class since you were a child.

Top-gun actor.

Hey, hold on a second, are you from Hollywood?

I have an incredible offer for you, Gary. If you're interested, follow me this way.

Please, Gary, step into my car.

Oh, I get it.

I'm supposed to get in your car and let you put your finger inside me.

Then if I go down on you, I get a movie part.

No, I just want to show you something.

Yeah, I'll bet you do.

Please, Gary, I'm not from Hollywood.

I'm not going to fuck your mouth, and my time is extremely valuable.

-Jesus, this is a nice limo. -Yes, it is.

Now, suck my cock.

Just kidding.

All right, just what the hell is this about?

I hate to break this to you, Gary,

but some people out there want you dead.

-Dead? -They're called terrorists, Gary.

And they hate everything about you.

Why? What did I do to them? I'm just a Broadway actor.

It's not who you are, Gary, it's what you stand for.

And every single minute of every single day,

the terrorists are planning new ways

to kill you and everyone else who lives in a free country.

The only thing standing in their way is us.

You?

Baxter, I think we can valmorphanize safely now.

Okay, a limousine that can fly. Now I have seen everything.

Really? Have you seen a man eat his own head?

-No. -So then you haven't seen everything.

And neither have we.

Last week in Paris, we caught four terrorists

with a weapon of mass destruction.

The terrorists are planning something very big.

And just what does this have to do with me?

Our only hope is to have somebody act like a terrorist

who wants to help them carry out the attack.

An actor convincing enough to make the terrorists think he's one of them.

This is crazy. I'm an actor, not a spy.

That's all spying is, acting. And they say you're the best.

An actor with a double major in theatre and world languages?

Hell, you're the perfect weapon, Gary.

Look out!

Right this way, you maverick renegade.

Welcome to Team Base.

Gary, this is Joe, all-star quarterback from the University of Nebraska.

He's a natural-born leader.

I've heard a lot about your acting, Mr Johnston.

Hope it's as good as they say it is.

And this is Sarah,

the top empath from Berkeley's School for the Clairvoyant

in San Francisco.

I sense that you're slightly confused right now.

That's supposed to be Carson's replacement, a fucking actor?

Don't mind Chris. He may be lacking courtesy,

but he's the best martial-arts expert Detroit has to offer.

That's right, actor. Just stay the fuck away from me.

And finally, we have our psychology expert. Where's Lisa?

Right here.

Gary, this is Lisa. She specializes in how the terrorists think.

Usually a case of malignant narcissism brought on during childhood.

We've been doing our best to keep the world safe, Gary.

But now somebody has supplied the terrorists with WMDs.

And intelligence tells us they plan to use them.

Isn't that right, I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.?

-That is affirmative. -I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.?

The most sophisticated computer in the world.

I've intercepted communications that several terrorist groups

are being organized for one massive worldwide attack.

From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. has gathered,

it would be 9/11 times 100.

9/11 times 100? Jesus, that's...

Yes, 91,100.

Basically, all the worst parts of the Bible.

So now you see why we need you.

We will disguise you as a terrorist and take you deep into the Middle East.

If your acting is successful, you'll be able to get us the information we need

to stop this whole thing from happening.

Of course, if you're not interested,

there's the door.

All right. Thanks.

Gary. Hey, hold on a second.

Don't you understand? Every country in the world is in danger.

How is it my responsibility to do something?

Because like it or not, you're the one with the power to do something.

I can't fight terrorists. I don't know anything about guns or jets.

That doesn't matter. If you want to help people,

all that matters, Gary, is what you have here.

Just think about it, okay? Here, take this.

Baxter will take you wherever you wanna go. Just remember,

your freedom's at stake, too.

What do you think Spottswoode sees in him?

I don't know. But I think I see it, too.

Hey, Baxter.

I wanna take a detour.

What would you do

If you were asked to give up your dreams for freedom?

What would you do

If asked to make the ultimate sacrifice?

Would you think about all them people

Who gave up everything they had?

Would you think about all them war vets

And would you start to feel bad?

Freedom isn't free

It costs folks like you and me

And if we don't all chip in

We'll never pay that bill

Freedom isn't free

No, there's a hefty fucking fee

And if you don't throw in your buck-o-five, who will?

Buck-o-five

Freedom costs a buck-o-five

Our dear leader, Kim Jong II, says the weapons of mass destruction

you requested are ready for you to take.

I am still in the process of recruiting

and training new terrorists for the attack.

We take weapons later.

He asks what part of the deal you did not understand.