Columbo

What do you think?

I think that I had better try and help you.

Would you? Oh, that would be an honor.

Detective Lucerne helping me.

Wait till I tell my wife.

You. Hands up. No noise.

We still think it was premeditated, don't we?

Oh, I don't know, sir. What do you suppose?

And here I thought you were in shock.

You thought I was confused.

You're right.

Perhaps scared.

You're amazing.

If you tell me that one more time, I'm gonna kill myself.

- That's ridiculous. - Is it?

Half-a-dozen people have already attested to the fact...

that I was nowhere near the Baker home...

on the night she was killed.

Not one of those six people realized...

he was listening to a recording.

Not one of those six people realized...

that vague illusion moving behind the screen...

was not you at all,

but someone else.

A fascinating theory.

You know, some people think you're the most brilliant detective of our times.

I tend to agree because, as it happens,

you're absolutely right.

Yes, I did kill Mrs. Baker.

But for all your vaunted brilliance, Lucerne,

there's no way in the world that you can prove what I've just said.

Ah, the other half of the team.

The gentleman whose silhouette impersonated you so well...

behind the screen. It's Joseph, isn't it?

It'll be a treasure to pill you, Mr. Lucerne...

I'm sorry!

"Treasure to pill you?"

He was all right up to there.

Replace him.

Clare, don't you understand?

The studio doesn't pick up one cent of this extra tab on Ward, we do.

You and I, we produce the show. We own it.

This extra money for Ward is coming out of our pockets.

Why don't you just let me handle that?

Now, gentlemen, may we continue?

Who does Ward Fowler think he is?

Now, look, Clare.

As representative of this studio I will not stand for this precedent.

There is no actor in the business who is irreplaceable.

Clare, Ward Fowler is not the first actor on this network to win an Emmy,

and he's already one of the highest paid performers in television.

If we give in to him now...

Now, say you don't give in to him.

He walks. Then what are you going to do?

Without Ward Fowler, there isn't going to be any next year for this show.

And because of Ward Fowler,

"Detective Lucerne" has the highest rating in television.

Sid and I have given you a show that has been a winner...

year in and year out. But,

Ward Fowler is the show.

As the other half and rather silent partner of this team,

I'm afraid I have to go along with my wife.

Try to look pleasant, Ward.

You're supposed to be pleased when you get a raise.

How many times must I tell you that?

Do you enjoy insulting me, Clare,

as much as you enjoyed making love to me?

Or more? You didn't use to think I was so bad.

Well, I, didn't used to think.

Neither did I, if I remember.

You do remember? What a tribute.

You know, I don't buy this hell-hath-no-fury act of yours.

I just think it's your way of blackmailing me...

and feeling wronged all at the same time.

And, you know, it's so wasteful.

'Cause I'd give you anything you asked for.

Just 'cause you asked for it. You know that, don't you?

I know you invented me and I'm still grateful.

I get a little bored with this kind of talk.

You give me what I want because there's nothing you can do about it,

and that's the only reason.

Otherwise, darling,

grateful or not, you wouldn't give me the sweat off your personality.

Joe! Joe, those were marvelous night scenes. Wonderful!

Thanks, Mrs. Daley.

Now, Ward, you just keep remembering that I invented you, all of you,

and I only take half for my trouble. Just half. Off the top.

Buy the silver, the usual way.

You're quite the little dictator.

You know, you sound like that show we did last August.

The one where we tried to make the murderer sympathetic.

Oh, yes. That was because the blackmailer...

was so dictatorial and vicious.

Well, I wouldn't dwell on it if I were you.

You wouldn't make a murderer, not even a sympathetic one.

That much personality you don't have.

Excuse me. There's a call for you, Mrs. Daley.

Where would you like to take it?

Mrs. Daley's gonna take the telephone call in my dressing room.

Thank you.

Where else would Mrs. Daley take her telephone calls?

No, that's all right, Cathy.

Yes, I can make the 9:20 preview.

But I... No. I'll have to leave from the office.

I have tons of work to do.

No. You thank Mark for me, but he is Ward's gofer, not mine.

And, besides, I don't like cheeseburgers.

All right, sweetie, I'll stop at Tony's on the way to the preview...

and get a sandwich. Yes, I will.

See, tell Sid that he's sweet, but he should leave.

I'd rather go alone. Okay, thanks. Bye-bye.

Sid is having an affair with his secretary.

It makes him so considerate.

It's boring to have so much attention.

Is there anything that doesn't bore you, Clare?

Mmm-hmm. Silver certificates.

I would paper my bedroom with them if I could.

I wouldn't put it past you.

Where would you put it?

The third inning already.

Yeah, I was held up in traffic, Ward. I'm sorry.

Look, if you have something else to do, just let me know.

Oh, but I don't, honest. I've been looking forward to this game like crazy.

Good. You know how I hate watching these things alone.

Here, I'll get you a drink.

Hey, I've been on the wagon for eight months, Ward.

That's a world's record for me.

Huh, Ward?

... back in Kansas City, you'll recall, earlier this week and...

One drink isn't gonna turn you into a pumpkin, you know.

Here's the wind, the pitch and the swing and a high, pop fly on the infield.

Settling under it, the shortstop, Jones, who makes the catch. One away!

Los Angeles with one out, a tie game at three...

and here comes first baseman, Tony Eberly...

Uh-oh. We're in trouble.

Eberly's up. Automatic out.

What're you talking about? He's a good kid.

Couple more years, he'll be right there.

No way. He can't hit in a clinch.

Are you kidding?

Wanna put your money where your mouth is?

Yeah.

Ten bucks says he gets a hit.

- You're on. - You got it.

Swings into the wind-up and here's the pitch.

Fastball, high. And taken by Eberly, it's ball one.

Ball one. If he gets a walk, no bet.

Eberly digs in.

Waves that bat back and forth. Brenner leans in,

gets his sign from Kowalski.

Here's the wind and here comes the pitch.

Swung on and a high fly ball,

foul and drifting into the stands in leftfield.

One ball, one strike to Eberly.

Here's the wind, here comes the pitch. Swung on and missed.

Ooh, he had his best rip at that one,

but he swung through a fastball, knee-high on the inside.

Brought it in under the fist, did Whitey Brenner.

And so the count goes one and two on Eberly.

One out, no one aboard for Los Angeles.

Brenner looks in, gets his sign. The outfield deep around toward leftfield.

Here's the wind and here comes the pitch...

Wahlberg sprinting around first...

and he comes into second with a stand-up double.

So we swing into the top of the fifth inning, and we're all tied at...

You gotta mix it up a little. You gotta live, sweetie.

Tony. Tony, for ten years you have been trying to corrupt me.

What can I do? I am a purist.

So will you please wrap up my sandwich and on the double...

because I have to be at a preview in ten minutes.

Ah, it is a pity m'lady.

Cast out these beautiful morsels from our life...

Tony. Tony!

You are auditioning again for me, Tony!

Please, I told you...

Let's play it simple. No noise.

You. Hands up.

- Hey, is this a joke? - Quiet, shut up!

What have you got? Cash.

- Hey, she's a friend of mine. - Shut up, I said!

Open the cash register.

I already made a deposit this morning.

That's all I got for you. I swear to God, take it.

The guy across the street...

Turn around. Put your hands up.

You, move ahead. Move around.

Hold it!

Put your hands up.

- My hands... - Up. Higher.

Walk to the door.

Please, don't.

I said walk to the door.

Ward?

It is you, isn't it?

Move to the door, Clare.

You're wrong.

I know you. You're not the type.

Keep your hands up. Higher!

Why should I do what you tell me to do...

if you're going to kill me anyway?