A Sunburnt Christmas

(INSTRUMENTAL 'AWAY IN A MANGER')

38-year-old prisoner. Male. Caucasian.

Stab wound to the lower left abdomen.

We need an urgent fluid resus.

Blood pressure is falling. We need a trauma panel.

He is FASTing. Let's prep him for surgery.

Patient has no known family.

Corrections staff still investigating next of kin.

Be alert, everyone. The patient is regarded as dangerous.

Oh, someone's put a hole

through our windscreen, mate.

You better come check it out. Over.

Roger that. On my way.

Old mate's alright, yeah?

- He's out cold. - OK.

I gotta go sort this out.

Can't be sure, mate, but it looks like someone's

put their fist through it - over.

Ohh! (GROANS)

Ugh!

Oh, Dingo!

Shit.

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

Merry Christmas!

(INSTRUMENTAL CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYS)

You've been good, haven't you? Ho-ho-ho-ho!

Sorry, mate. They're just for the kids.

My daughter's in the bathroom.

- Got cancer. - What sort?

Um, kidney. Kidney, yeah.

- Why are you in the gown? - Gave her one of mine.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, he stole my costume!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON POLICE RADIO)

Requesting backup to Oakley Hospital.

We'll need another van.

We've still got a prisoner unconscious upstairs.

At the very least,

we'll need a windscreen repairer out here.

Tell 'em that.

We're supposed to be guarding him

- (CAR LOCK BEEPS) ..after his surgery.

Oh, piss off!

- Where's Daryl? - (MAN MURMURS)

- Arggh! - (BRAKES SQUEAL)

Look out, kid! You got a death wish?!

- I hate you, Santa! - (TYRES SQUEAL)

No, no! (WHIMPERS)

Where's your phone?

No, I would have seen a button, Maryanne!

There's normally a little latch sort of thing, you know?

Well, are there any latches?

No, there's no latches.

Whoop! Hello.

Loser!

Thank you, Leonard. Ha-ha!

OK.

Ooh, what have we got here?

- Nice. OK. - (PHONE CHIMES)

OK, um...

- Yeah? No. OK. - (PHONE CHIMES)

Um... Hmm.

Well, huh.

- (MURMURS INDISTINCTLY) - (CAMERA CLICKS)

- Ooh! - (PHONE TRILLS)

Loser! (LAUGHS)

Alright... (MUMBLES)

"Hattersley Homestead." Search.

And... OK.

There you are.

- (PHONE TRILLS AND BUZZES) - Shit!

Right.

I'm pushing on the thing. It's not coming out.

Well, are you sure? Yes!

Is there something else underneath it

or under the car or something?

Check on the right, Joe, under the...

Yes, I have, Maryanne! Just give me a second!

Don't snap at me, Joe! You chose the bloody car.

You guys having a bit of trouble?

- Oh, yeah. - Hire car, is it?

Joe wanted a hybrid.

Oh, right. You guys on holidays?

- Babymoon. - Babymoon.

Ah! Do you mind if I...?

- Oh, sure, man. Please. - Yeah?

Just underneath... Yeah, there it is.

It's just, um... just here.

Ohh! - Yep, there we go. Hah.

- Thanks, mate. - Hey, no worries.

Uh, busy time of year for you, hey?

Oh, yeah, but never too busy to lend a hand, you know?

Ooh. Ahh!

A little something for the newborn.

- Oh, thank you. - Thanks, mate.

Yeah, no worries. Merry Christmas, hey?

Yeah, merry Christmas. - Yeah, good onya.

- (GUNSHOT) - Oh!

I'm doing my best, Hazel, alright? You know I am.

But believe it or not, there are actually people above me

that I need to answer to at the bank.

We just need one more week, Clyde.

That's what you said last week and the week before.

Alright, fool me once, Hazel, but fool me seven times?

I'm not an idiot!

And I'm needing urgent medical assistance.

No, no, this is real this time.

- I told you to watch the stove! - No, no!

We sold another tractor, so I'll get you a bit now

and we can work out the rest later.

Later? There is no later, OK?

I... I've closed more farms in the past month

than the rest of my career, and those farms had sheep.

- We have sheep! - (BLEATS)

That's one sheep, Hazel. One.

It speaks volumes that you would come here this time of year.

Hey, that's not fair. You know me better than that.

- Come on. - (GUNSHOT)

Daisy! Again, you cannot make it rain by shooting the clouds!

- You know that's burning. - I'm sorry.

- Can we do this another day? - No, we can't...

- Say, a week from now? - No, Hazel.

We can't keep going on with this, alright?

I'm gonna have to get foreclosure proceedings st

Daisy!

If you're not careful, you're gonna shoot down Santa.

What? - Inside, now!

Look, we've just been really busy, OK?

Oh! Very safe.

Thank you for coming. I'll see you, say, after Christmas?

Two days and then I'm gonna have to...!

- (RADIO STATIC) G'day, folks.

You're listening to 107.3 Country FM.

And with only four sleeps till Christmas,

we're playing back-to-back Christmas hits.

You're on Outback Radio 97.3 FM.

It's been another hard year.

What we all need is a bit

of Christmas cheer, I reckon.

Enjoy this one, folks.

G'day, this is 101.7 Warragimbul Community Radio.

We're taking donations for farmers and rural firefighters.

But first here's another Christmas classic

for all you folks out there.

Enjoy.

('HARK! THE HERALD ANGELS SING' PLAYS)

Anything?

A weird dangly thing at the back.

You're not dying, Tom. Eat.

The doctor and Google says I have 'sye-phillus'.

You don't have syphilis,

you didn't have Ebola and you don't have smallpox.

- I had gonorrhoea. - That was diarrhoea.

Tom, can you Google if Santa's bulletproof?

Don't waste any more of Mum's data!

Mum! Dinner!

Come on. Eat before it's cold.

Mum's a better cook.

Is there coriander in this?

Come on, kids! Time for bed!

Should we call an ambulance?

Tom's fine, Daisy.

Not for Tom. For Santa.

You didn't shoot Santa. It was a stupid thing to say.