Curb Your Enthusiasm

Damn! She's still here?

- Man. - Yeah, she's still here. And it's your fault.

Hey. - You screwed up her own electrical system.

What you're doing right now, is you puttin' bad miles

on your johnson.

You never heard of a car have highway miles

and fuckin' city miles?

I-- I never heard of miles on a johnson.

Right now, we got dick depreciation.

But you know what? It's worth it.

- Hmm? Okay. - It's worth it.

Oh, no, no, no, Leon.

- Oh, boy. Leon, no.

- We talked about this. Where... Oh, Here we go.

Where does this go?

It's recycling, right? So, it goes this side.

- Okay? - All this stuff is going

to the same place.

- No. No. - Fuckin' dump, a big pile

- of fuckin' trash and shit... No.

...with seagulls flyin' over that shit.

No. While I'm in a relationship with Larry,

this is how we do it. Okay? If you only knew the journey

a piece of trash takes in this city...

It's one plastic bottle's journey

- from Milan to Minsk. - Yeah.

You know what this can do? Look. It can choke a dolphin.

You wanna a choke a dolphin, Leon?

- Oh. - I don't think you want to.

No, he doesn't wanna choke a dolphin.

You don't wanna choke a dolphin.

-(CHUCKLES) You know what? What?

Bad miles.

Ugh. He's such a smart guy. It's just he's--

he has a lot of energy, but he kinda delusional.

Yeah. He has all of these

theories that just make no sense.

Ugh. I gotta go to work. I gotta get to the chamber.

You know the guy was here to, uh, give me an estimate

- on the fence around the pool. - Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

- yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he said it's gonna

- cost 5,000 dollars. - Oh, my God! Really?

Remember-- remember last week, I mentioned something

about repealing that law?

Y-- You mentioned something about repealing the law.

You don't stop talking about repealing the law.

But the more I think about it, the-- the more sense

it actually makes.

Larry, would it make you happy if I helped to repeal the law?

Really?

Would it stop you talking about this fence?

Absolutely, I-- I'll never mention it again!

- This is fantastic. - You need--

there's five council people.

- You gotta have a majority. - Five?

- You need a majority? Yep.

So you need three. Well, we got you, that's one.

You got me. Yes. - Okay, so two more.

- Okay. I will try. Wow.

- I'm gonna try, for you. - That's-- Okay. You know what?

You did something for me, and I-- I-- I--

I'd like to return the favor. I'd like to get you--

- Really? - Yeah, let me buy you something.

You wanna know what I really want?

Yeah.

Vaginal rejuvenation surgery.

What?

A tightening, a lifting, you know, the labial lips,

- I'd like them evened out. - Tighten. Lift and tighten.

'Cause you know something?

- Hmm. - I love my daughter, Larry,

but she destroyed me down here...

- Oh. -...when she was born.

And you know what they tell you to do? Kegel, Kegel, Kegel.

- Kegel, Kegel. Yeah. -(GRUNTS) Lifting, lifting up.

And I'm kegeling, I'm ke-- You know what? Does not work.

- Mm-hmm. - Also, when I get excited,

I jump up suddenly, like at a sports game or something,

a little, little, little, little pee-pee escapes.

I wanna be with you, courtside...

Yeah. -...watching a great game.

I wanna wear white pants with you,

so the whole thing is such a win-win for you...

- Yeah. -...for me,

sexually, you know, medically.

But, you know, it's not just for me.

It's for us, isn't it?

- Yeah, yeah. - It's for us.

Okay, okay. We'll get that done.

- All right, all right. - Yeah, yeah. We got it.

- We'll get that done. - Darling, I'm excited!

You're not gonna regret it. Oh, I gotta borrow your car.

What? - Yeah, I-- I'm out of gas.

Keys out on-- in the foyer, in the--

Yeah, it's in the... Okay. (EXHALES)

-(CHUCKLES) Yeah. - This area.

- Yeah. - Oh, fufu surgery,

a designer vagina!

- Where are the keys? - I told you they're in the bowl!

What? - The bowl!

- Oh, my God! Are you okay? Huh? - Yeah. Yeah.

- Stay still, don't move. - Okay.

All right. I'm gonna give you this sweater, okay.

Ow, my neck... - I'm gonna call an ambulance.

- I'm calling 9-1-1, okay? Am I bleeding?

Just don't... Uh, yeah, a little bit.

Okay. - I'm gonna call 9-1-1.

You're gonna be okay.

Hang in there. Hang in there. You're gonna be all right.

Oh, here it is. Here it is. Here it is. Okay.

-(SIREN WAILS) Thank you.

Here he is.

Okay, tell me what happened.

- What's your name, sir? My name is Ben.

- Ben, Ben Callahan. - Okay.

Did you see what happened? Did-- No? Does your neck hurt?

- Do you have any neck pain? - My neck really hurts, yeah.

Okay, try not to move it.

I-- I really-- I don't get the bicycle thing, you know?

Get the stationary bike in your house, you got the TV,

it's so much better than-- than going on the streets here.

Just try not to talk.

- Okay. - You'll be just fine.

I think even roller skates is-- is better.

I think roller skating is safer than a bicycle.

Can you just let me do my job? Who cares about roller skating?

Absolutely, absolutely, absolutely.

- Who is that? I don't know who he is.

Roller-skating's kind of fun, too.

- I think it's more fun. - Do you wanna help?

- Do you wanna-- - No, I'm helping.

You didn't see an-- - I-- I called, I made the call.

- Okay, Ben? Yeah.

Ben, everything's gonna be okay.

We're gonna get you in an ambulance, you're gonna be fine.

Okay. - Yeah! I told him that before.

Thanks. Do you wanna be a paramedic?

I don't know why you need to be a part of this anymore.

- Step back! Step back! - I'm stepping back.

Okay, buddy, we're

- gonna put you in an ambulance. Okay

All right, you're gonna be fine, Ben.

- Thank you. Good luck!

Wait a second. Hey! My sweater! Hey, my sweater!

My sweater!

All right, got it.

- Thank you. Okay, bye. -(INDISTINCT PA ANNOUNCEMENT)

Excuse me, I'm wondering if, uh, if a new patient

was admitted here today, Ben Callahan.

He was in a bike accident.

Oh, yes. He suffered a mild concussion.

He had to have a few stiches but he's gonna be okay.

- Oh, he's gonna be okay? Great. - Yes.

He's in, uh, room 406.

- Four-o-six? - Yes.

- And wh-- where's that? - Oh, it's right there.

Oh, oh, that's my sweater.

Excuse me! You can't go in there.

What-- what are you talking about?

- My sweater is right over there. No.

You can't go in and get the sweater.

What? Why? You don't understand.

I discovered him lying on the ground.

It was cold, I took my sweater off.

I did a nice thing for one of the few times in my life.

And now you're saying I can't get my sweater back?

How do I know that's your sweater?

Oh, yeah, that's how I got my wardrobe.

I go around to hospitals, and I look in rooms

and I say, "Oh, that's mine." And they give it to me.

Yeah, that's how I got the shirt

- and the, uh, and the pants. - That could be your hustle.

Okay, all right, how about this? Could you just tell him

that Larry David is here to get his sweater back?

He's resting right now, I can't do that.

- Is he resting or sleeping? - What's the difference?

Well,

sleeping, you definitely don't wanna disturb somebody,

and I completely understand that.

But if you're resting, and you're just laying down

with your eyes open, that's nothing.

Every day I rest. And I could talk to anybody

- when I'm resting. - I'm not gonna disturb

the patient just to ask him about your sweater.

How is that a disturbance? A person is laying in bed.

He's asked a question. He doesn't even have to say

yes or no. He can just nod, "Yes."

If go in there, I'm disturbin' him.

That's a disturbance? A human presence

- is a disturbance? - If he's resting, yes.

- Would you hand him a note? Yeah, I could do that.

By the way, where's plastic surgery?

Downstairs, first floor.

- Just hand him that note, okay? Mm-hmm.

It must be difficult being so mistrustful of everyone.

- It's sad. - It is.

- Hi, how can I help you? - Hi. Um...

I have a bit of a delicate matter to discuss.

- Okay. - Um...

Uh, how are we looking for the rest of the day?