The Mindy Project

They say being a stay-at-home mom

is the noblest and hardest profession

a woman could have,

but they're all lying.

It's the greatest scam on earth.

I never have to put on pants...

My boobs magically make baby food,

and I get to spend all day with my best buddy Leo.

Hey, Leo. Can you pass the chips, please?

Oh.

Hey, babe.

What the hell happened here?

Where's... where's dinner?

I was in surgery for six hours.

You didn't make any dinner?

How could I have done that? We just woke up.

What'd you do all day?

I think I taught Leo how to use a cell phone,

and we made this. Ta-da!

Baby's first enemies list.

There's Princess Charlotte, Silas Timberlake,

that noisy garbage truck

that wakes him up every morning.

Did you think about, maybe,

tidying up the apartment a little bit?

Oh, that reminds me.

The housekeeper didn't show up today.

I hope Sylvia's okay.

Plus, I have a garbage bag full of old Spanx for her.

Oh, I let Sylvia go.

I thought cleaning would be your job now.

Danny, I can't clean!

I was born in this country and I'm too lazy.

Min...

Look, if we're gonna be a single-income family,

we can't afford to eat takeout every night

and have a housekeeper wait on us hand and foot.

Ma did it with no help, and she had to work

cleaning hotel rooms.

That's a good point. I can do this.

That's the spirit.

You're gonna be a great stay-at-home mom,

I know it.

Stay-at-home mom.

Can you remind me what that job entails?

Cooking, cleaning, laundry, paying the bills,

waxing the floors, keeping the piano in tune,

stocking the pantry, raising our son,

and maintaining a positive attitude

that sets the tone for the rest of the household.

Oh... huh.

Wow, you're up early.

Is Miss Piggy co-hosting "The Today Show?"

No, she karate-chopped Savannah Guthrie

and got banned from set.

Danny, getting up early is an essential part

of being a stay-at-home MILF.

MILF.

A Mom I'd Like To French?

I like that.

This is my new job.

So, I just need to take the focus

that I had in my old job as a doctor,

and simply apply it to this.

For instance, my fiance's morning cup of coffee.

Wow.

And I found this really cool mommy blog

"Modern Mominista,

living a fabulous life one dirty diaper at a time."

You can tell it's a really classy site

because the banner ads are for anti-depressants.

We... got a little something in there.

Oh, no, you leave that in there.

That's the coffee.

You leave it in here?

Do you not like it?

I love it.

Good morning, Shulman & Associates,

and welcome to your new intercom.

I noticed that our morning meetings were becoming

interminable, because I couldn't seem to get through

a single sentence without interruptions.

- Dr. Reed, I need the day off. - Dr. Reed,

this chair hurts my butt cheeks.

However, with this new office-wide intercom,

I never need to be worried about

being interrupted ever agai...

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.

I have a query, and I warn you,

it pertains to matters of the heart.

Oh, you have a crush on me.

You're too old, I'm sorry!

Ah, don't tempt me, Beverly.

I have a hot air balloon ride with your name on it.

In that case, pick me up at six.

I live in the alley.

No.

This is about my sweet darlin' little baby sister, Colette.

I need to find her a man.

A man?

For what? To spot her at the gym?

I could do that.

No, a male suitor.

Our grandfather's wedding is coming up,

and I don't want her to be the only woman there

without a dance partner,

especially since she is so graceful.

Damn it, open up you dick!

So, if y'all think of anyone

who might fit the bill, I'd be greatly obliged.

Oh, and for your information,

Jewish is fine.

Hmm.

Colette's gay, right?

'Cause if not, I'm taking back the walking stick

I got her for her birthday.

No, definitely, I know gay when I see it, okay?

I was in prison

with Carson Kressley, who's a great guy,

and totally changed my sense of fashion.

- Look at that. - Okay, guys.

Let's stop gossiping about this.

If Colette wants to come out,

let's let her do it in her own way.

Richie came out during his tumbling routine

at the high school talent show.

Brought down the house.

And that is our new 40-digit Wi-Fi password.

For security reasons, I will never repeat it again.

- Come on, man! - Dang, man!

Leo, you better hold on to your pacifier,

because your mom is about to transform

into a Modern Mominista.

Take pride in your appearance.

Dress every day like you're on a date

with your special little guy.

Dress nice?

Bitch, you don't even need to ask.

Take advantage of the baby's nap

to clean the house.

But don't use the vacuum. That'll wake him up.

Hand clean the floor with all-organic products.

Hand clean?

I've never gotten on my knees

and not gotten jewelry out of it.

Take pride in your appearance.

Dress every day like you're on a date

with your special little guy.

Okay, back on track.

What's next?

By now, you should be back

from your five-mile run, and your duck

should be ready to come out of the oven.

What duck? What run?

Oh, screw you.

Ho! Ow!

Hey, Morgan, I need to talk to you.

Uh, you know I'm gay, right?

Yeah, I had a pretty good idea.

I mean, your Pinterest is all pictures

of steaks you wanna cook.

I made it my homepage.

My brother doesn't know that I'm gay,

and I'm not gonna tell him because

the dude is old-fashioned.

I'm talking, he's got a bullet in his shoulder

from a duel.

So you never tried to tell him?

It's easier this way.

Just pretend like it doesn't exist.

But the problem now is that he's trying

to find me a wedding date.

So... I wanted to see if you would play my boyfriend.

Just till this blows over, and then that's it.

Are you asking me out?

Yes, but as pretend, so don't get...

- This is my first ask-out. - Really?

Congratulations, because you got yourself

a boyfriend!

All right, yes!

No!

After a long day of being a Modern Mominista,

there's no better reward than your hubby's appreciation.

Welcome, my beautiful breadwinner.

Hey. Wow.

Place looks great.

- Doesn't it? - Yeah.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Let me, my prince.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

Baby's asleep, the house has been

spotlessly cleaned with useless organic products,

and for dinner,

Grilled cheese and tomato soup.

Wow, that sounds great, babe.

- Bon appetite. - Thank you.

Whoa, babe!

That's great. Thank you.

See you later.