The Crazy Ones

Hey, Lauren!

Think fast!

- Yeah, she's playing for the team. - Mmhmm.

Actually, I'm into dudes again.

Women are just too much work.

No, we're talking about the 16-inch softball team.

- What's 16-inch softball? It's basically

regular softball's fat sister...

same pretty face, just bigger and easier.

Oh, right, the big rivalry

between creatives and account execs.

Yeah. I started reading

about that in the company newsletter,

and then I stopped when I realized

I was reading the company newsletter.

You know I write that.

That is such a cute top.

Morning, Muggles.

Simon, are you playing?

No. Please. I'm retired.

Besides, softball is a young lesbian's game.

And I'm neither of those anymore.

Last time Simon played was ten years ago

when he single-handedly won the game for the Creatives.

God, I would have given

anything to have seen that.

Anything. Me, too.

Oh. That's why you should read the newsletter.

Because every year, I reprint the story.

That seems like lazy journalism.

Look at you in your sleevelessssop

and short shorts. It was my first game.

I didn't know what to wear, so I went Richard Simmons.

Simon's kind of a legend.

They say it was one

of the greatest sports moments of all time.

Please, no need to rehash my glory days.

Besides, we have to work on the Rice Krispies campaign.

Yeah. We have a lot of work to do, people.

Let's focus up, guys.

It was a late fall evening.

The last of the fireflies were winking in the night.

The air was crisp with a hint of warm brown sugar.

We had just landed the Bath & Body Works account.

And Simon Roberts steps up to bat

and, boom, hits four home runs...

Bitch, it was five.

If you're going to tell the story, tell it right.

This is is how it happened.

It all came down to the final play.

I was at home plate, bases were loaded.

And there on the mound

was my nemesis, my business partner,

Gordon Lewis, glaring at me like a Yeti on crack.

You're goin' down, Roberts.

It's a good impression.

- Thank you. - And that's when I did...

the point, a little move I borrowed from Babe Ruth.

- The point... - Sorry.

...halfway between the sky

and Gordon's Easter Island face.

And then, time changed.

It was like everything went into...

: slow motion.

And the fateful pitch

came at me.

Sydney, the fateful pitch came at me.

- Ah... - Shh, shh, shh, shh.

And I hammered it. Ah!

It went it up, up, up.

And a little more up. Yeah!

Straight over

the center field fence, exactly where I pointed!

And the crowd went wild!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Give me! Give me! Give me!

Oh, yeah! Yeah!

And I'll never forget the look on Gordon's fafa when he said,

Simon Roberts, you...

Lucky son of a bitch.

Um....could we have our ball back?

It's mine now, kid.

Fun's over.

I don't know. Do you think Snap and Crackle are too far apart?

Yeah, but Pop wants it that way.

See, he's secretly in love with Snap, and though

he appreciates Crackle's ideas, Pop's ready to move on.

Just he and Snap starting over somewhere fresh.

I stayed late last night, and thoughts came to me.

Gordon Lewis is bringing baked goods!

I call the ladies' room. Every man for himself.

What's the big deal?

It's just some rosemary shortbread

that my husband made.

Butter, sugar, suppressed rage for a directionless life.

Which is also the name of his play that went nowhere.

We see you with baked goods,

we think you're going to fire someone.

Well, in that case...

: you're right.

How did we lose the Pocket Motorcycle account?

We didn't lose 'em.

We dumped them.

Apparently, they overestimated the weight limit,

and a... a bunch of fat kids got hurt.

Dad, I'm sorry. I know how much that account meant to you.

Aah! Whoa!

Kids are going to love this!

Well, I know childhood obesity is a problem,

but why take it away from the thin kids?

They did nothing wrong.

Look, you know the deal.

We get an account, we hire people.

We lose an account, we got to lay someone off.

Well, we'll be sorry to lose you, Gordon.

But look at the positive side.

You and Timothy can spend more time together.

Maybe open a little dinner theatre,

a B and B.

I'm told it's a middle-aged gay man's world out there.

Yeah, everything's coming up Gordon.

Mm. All right, listen.

This is what we have to do.

We're gonna have to lose

one of your little baby birds on the creative side.

Why does it have to be our side?

Why can't we just lose someone in accounts?

Accounts lost someone in the last three layoffs.

It's creative's turn.

Absolutely not! We're not losing anyone.

They're like family.

Brad, Asian Brad, even Lazy Tony.

It's Tim, and he's not lazy.

He's in a wheelchair.

They're like my children.

Well, I'm not laying off one of Gordon's Guerrillas.

Then we're at an impasse.

Okay, there's only one thing to do.

Softball bet.

- Wait. A bet? - Mmhmm.

That's right. That's how we resolve

all of our major dilemmas.

Why do you think the urinals are now a foot higher?

Okay, so that settles it then.

Whoever loses the softball game

is gonna has to fire someone from their department.

- Done. - And be warned.

I have the best team yet.

Account Execs are going to destroy you, Roberts.

Destroy you!

In your dreams, Lewis. In your dreams.

I just feel like there's more to the story

of Snap, Crackle and Pop.

Where are you, lost lady?

I hate this. I don't want to fire anyone.

Nancy. Hey, sweetie.

Tell her I say hi.

Yeah, lunch sounds great.

I'll just do a search for a vegetarian restaurant

within a three-miles radius that doesn't smell like B.O.

Okay, I got to go. Byesies.

Why didn't you tell her I say hi?

Uh, she prefers the more formal, "Good Day."

It reminds her of a simpler time

when people arrived on time for dinner

and left before balling the help.

- And you're lying. - Yeah.

- I am. She hates you. - Wait.

- Well, why would she hate me? - Come on.

- What do you care? You hate her. - That's not the point!

You and I are friends. If she doesn't like me...

It's because of the kiss.

That? That was nothing!

So, you had a crush on me for, like, two seconds.

And why would you ever tell her that you kissed me?

Well, I said there was a kiss, that lips met lips.

Whose lips lunged first, I cannot say.

But you did.

I did. Yours lunged first.

Damn it, Andrew! You lied?

It was just easier to explain that way!

And I couldn't not tell her.

Even if it was a lie, I had to be honest with her.

I don't like this.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,

her jealousy makes the sex crazy good.

That is so good to hear.

All right, we have to optimize our chances for a win.

First thing we have to do is assign positions.

Okay?

What the hell is that? Oh.

Andrew wanted to introduce a female character

to Snap, Crackle and Pop.

You know, three bachelors living alone in a cereal bowl.

You know, people talk.

It's brilliant, but I don't have time for brilliance.

He has another one of those, right?

Yeah. Okay, good.

All right, who do we have?

- Um, me. - Okay.